Thinking Out Loud

Sunday, October 31, 2004

happy halloween

This one's short. Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween.

Beware of the flying eggs!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

it's official, now give me a damn job!

So this is what 7 years of schooling looks like. Ain't you proud of me momma?

After a couple months of doubting I'd ever get my's here!!! And yeup, it's already been framed too. Now it sits atop my head board, a testament to the last seven years of my life. Oh the memories.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words...

...words can scar a lifetime. Do you remember chanting as little kids, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."? What a crock of shit! I wonder who was the genius that came up with that saying. I've been hurt by words and I've hurt others with my words. I've been hurt with sticks and stones and...yes, I've hurt others with those too. And I have to say that the verbal beat downs hurt worse. So much so that I still bare some of those scars from years ago, some even from early childhood.

We assume that what we say doesn't carry as much weight as our fists, but I offer that the weight of our words is far more powerful than that of our fists. Words, whether spoken, whispered, shouted, or sung play on our deepest emotions. They have the potential to invoke love from the ones we admire and conversely invoke hate from the ones we despise. The most powerful leaders of the past have understood the power of words. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s Civil Rights movement drew strength from his words. Words that have forced a nation to see passed blurred color lines. Passed misplaced hate. Adolph Hitler's charismatic use of words inoculated his hate into the minds of the impressionable, starved peoples of his country. In so, creating blood-soaked zombies of his pure, blue eyed "Christian" Reich. The power of words is undeniable.

Yet we use them everyday without restraint. As though we could simply erase or take back what we say without anyone being the wiser. Not realizing that once expressed our words are seared in time forever. Especially if those words hurt someone we care about. They can never be erased or taken back, because they no longer belong to us. I have hurt people I care deeply about with my words and so I apologize. I can't take back those words now, they're yours to do as you please. But I acknowledge that I hurt you and so I hurt too.

run away with me tonight

Run away with me tonight,
Lets hold up the World and steal this one night,
We can run to the ends of the world,
And rest where the grains of time meet the sea,
Just you and I,
Just this one night.

Run away with me tonight,
Lets leave this very instant as we are,
We can leave our baggage behind,
All we need is eachother,
Just you and I,
Just this one night.

Run away with me tonight,
Lets forget what's happened and what's been said,
We can start anew,
Create the world as we see fit,
Just you and I,
Just this one night.

Run away with me tonight,
Lets escape civilization's judgement this once,
We can roam our desires together,
Under the radiance of the moon,
Just you and I,
Just this one night.

Run away with me tonight,
Lets pretend that we will,
We can lie to ourselves about it,
Envision how it will be,
Just you and I,
Just this one night.
--"quiroz" 2004

Monday, October 25, 2004

if life hands you lemons, make lemonade

Well, what if life hands me a great big pile of shit?! What I'm I supposed to do with that?! For those of you who have braved my recent self-pity posts, I apologize. A self-pity blog is not exactly what I was going for, really it wasn't. It just so happens that right now alot of things seem to be going...well, not in the direction I had hoped they would. And it's fine, I can handle adversity, only lately everything has seemed to be going wrong. So, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what it was that I did to deserve such bad luck. Now, I'm not a very superstitious person, but just in case I don't remember breaking any mirrors, walking under any ladders, spilling any salt, having a black cat cross my path...or whatever the fuck else summons bad luck. However, with my recent run of luck you'd think I'd had all those things happen to me on the same day. Oh, listen to me going on again. Enough with the self-pity posts "quiroz", they get it! I guess it's just time to setup my little corner lemonade stand. Hell, Lord knows I need the money.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

interesting question on love

My friend asked me an interesting question the other night at the Fall-tini event. She asked me if I would be in a relationship where the other person loved me more than I loved that person? I was dumbfounded by the question, granted I'd had about 5 martinis then, but I'd never really thought of that. Her thought was that in a relationship it's always the case that one of the two always loves the other more than is loved in return. This got me to thinking and I think with my ex, I was the one who was in love more.

Thinking back on the relationship now, that was so obvious. And thinking back on the relationship, I can't help but to think how stupid I was. I was so blind, or I allowed myself to be blind so that I could live in this fictional relationship, which now obviously only I was living in. I wanted so bad to just be loved that I overlooked alot of things. Like the fact that I always seemed to be the one compromising my end to make things work out. I was always the one going out of my way to see my ex. I had even planned my shit, so that my schedule would be clear for my ex's days off from work. And I justified it by thinking, "Oh they have a busy schedule, I'm sure they would do the same for me." The truth is they really didn't. There were so many times where the tables were turned and still I would have to make the move to share some "quality" time together. You might be thinking, "This fucker was really sprung." I was, I'll admit it. I was so sprung that sometimes I even put off seeing my family, my own family, if it meant I could spend some extra time with my ex. And it really hurts to think of that now. But I was sprung, it was my first relationship and I allowed myself to fall hard. Again, I was blinded by my own hand. But isn't that always the case, you let the good qualities overshadow the others? That was the case with me anyway. I had this idea of what a relationship should be like, I don't know where I got it from I'd never been in one. I guess growing up, seeing alot of disfunctional relationships my siblings had been in I knew what I didn't want a relationship to be like. I had this idea that everything should be equal, a give and take situation. However, I was wrong 'cause that wasn't always the case. I also had this fantasy notion that the love would be equal, perhaps I was wrong there too.

Maybe it is the case that two people could never actually love eachother with the same intensity. I wonder then, if that intensity switches between the two throughout the relationship? I mean, is there a point in a relationship where one person stops loving or caring about the other as much and the other person starts loving more? Perhaps when one person starts sensing a lack of interest from the other the natural reaction is to start being more interested in a scrammble to salvage the relationship. And so I guess it's person will always love the other more. So, would I be in a relationship where the other person loved me more than I loved them? I would be in a relationship where I was loved as I deserve to be loved and I know now to accept nothing less.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

one martini, two martini, three martini, more?!

A friend and I attended Fall-tini today. For those of you not in the know, Fall-tini is a martini, wine, and cigar sampling event held every fall, hence the name. Now I must admit I've never been a big fan of martinis, just have never craved them. When I think martini, I think grey haired man, in a house robe (a la Hefner), with a smoking pipe in one hand and a martini in the other. However, my friend really wanted to go, so I decided to go with her. Just as I suspected there were quite a bit of older people there, though I must admit there was a surprising amount of young folk there too. The event was held inside the exhibit hall at the Convention Center downtown and it seemed like a martini fair. You know like them informational fairs where groups set up tables with flyers or reading material about their group. Only here they were restaurants from around town who set up shop with their specialty martinis. The admisstion ticket was good for 6 martinis and appetizers. At first the bartenders at the different tables were marking off our tickets, but then after my second stop no one was checking them off. So, it quickly became a free for all and the liquor flowed freely. I lost count after about my 6th martini and some of them bitches were strong. I think it was after about the 3rd one I was feeling a little warm. After the 4th I was buzzing. And there were so many gay guys there. I'm thinking so many gay guys and middle aged women and so little time. I say that, 'cause I was getting the most attention from those two groups. Had I had a few more martinis I don't know who I would've went home with.

pick your brain

You ever notice how people have a tendency to pick their nose while they're driving? It's almost as if they don't seem to realize that the glass they're surrounded in is completely see through. I don't know how many times I've pulled up along a '49er, you know mining for that one perfect nugget in that cavernous nostril. This morning for instance, as my friend and I were driving to our morning jog destination we pull up along this guy and he's just really into it. Twisting his wrist this way and that way trying to get that perfect angle, but that boogie was putting up a great fight...what a trooper it must've been. I imagine it wasn't long before this guy started breaking a sweat trying to wrestle that boogie out his nose.

So now I'm on my computer and I can stare out my window as I sit at my desk. My window outlooks a busy intersection. So I'm sitting here and I'm staring out my window and so far I've counted 5 nose miners. I'm thinking wouldn't it be hilarious to start up a show, on MTV of'course, that nabs these nose offenders in the act. I saw a commercial the other day for a new show on MTV called Motormouth, where hidden cameras catch people rockin' out and singing along to their favorite songs while they're driving. Wouldn't it be funny as hell to have cameras set up spying those nose pickers. Then while they're in the middle of their desperate mining routine have a camera crew run up to their window, camera all in their face, "What you got there, haw?" Talk about money shot! I just might pitch this idea to MTV before someone else does. I'd call it Pick Your Brain and I'd watch it, definetely!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

not my booty call

(House phone ringing)
"Bueno?", sarcastic tone.
"Yeah, yeah, yeao wassup homie. Listen hear, I have the music and the wine, yo what time can I come over? She holla'd at me in the afternoon, said it was all cool so wat up, she said 'bring the strawberries and the cream'."
Pause...laughing my ass off.
"So holla back at yo' boi, I got the blanket and i'm bringing the pillow, aight peace." Click.

What the fuck?! That shit was funny. Stupid call made my day. Someone had called in a booty call to a wrong number, 'cause that shit wasn't my booty call. Yeah I know, but right now I'll take the laughs from wherever I can get 'em. Actually, today wasn't such a bad day, but it had the potential to be worse. Luckily, I made the smart move to brave the rain and leave my place. After that the day just breezed by. So, it wasn't that I was having a bad day or anything, I was just feeling indifferent and numb (might've been the cold). That one call made my day just as it was winding down.

Monday, October 18, 2004

the rain gods must be crazy!

The rain is here, it is, it finally is! I love the rainy season, I always have. I look forward to it all year long. Just the other day I was telling a friend that I couldn't wait for it to start raining. Only, now that it is actually raining I don't know if I can handle it. See, I become very introspective during the rainy season. I lay in bed with my window open just listening to the drumming of the raindrops on the earth and I'm able to focus my thoughts. However, at this very moment in my life, my thoughts are the last thing I need to be focused on. I enjoying being with myself when I'm happy...lately that hasn't been the case. And it isn't any one thing that I can say is making me feel this way, it's a combination of things. I guess I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I'm not a person who deals well with change, and lately all that I've known has been thrown out the window. I feel as though I'm at one of them low points in life and I'm wondering how long it'll last.

I awoke this morning to find a very meloncholy world outside my window. It was as though I were watching a picture show lacking it's technicolor. The clouds were dark and heavy with rain. The usual hustle and bustle of traffic was slowed to a painful procession. Pedestrians proceeded to their destinations with heads bowed as if in shame. And the rain, the falling rain adding the old film grain effect to the scene that unfolded outside my window. I almost went back to sleep so that maybe I could awaken again to a different scene. A brighter scene. Instead, I decided to deal with reality today as hard as that was. I think I could've used a couple more weeks before the rains came, to prepare mentally. But obviously the rain gods thought differently and so they must be crazy.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

is it all you had hoped it to be?

Has it gotten better,
Now that you're on your own?
Do you now know happiness,
Now that you're not by my side?
Does your life seem easier,
Without me in your way?
And have you strenghthened those relationships,
You said felt strained because of me?
Do you now sigh a breath of relief,
That you can do whatever it is you please?
Well I hope you're enjoying your new found life,
And that it is all you had hoped it to be.
--"quiroz" 2004

Saturday, October 16, 2004

wishful thinking

I wish I could say I don't think of you throughout the day,
Or that I don't long to hear your voice when alone in my bed I lay,
I wish those happy memories wouldn't flood back all the time,
You know, memories of when I was yours and you were mine,
I wish I could wake up tomorrow beside you,
Profess how much I love you and hear how much you love me too,
I wish to awaken one morning and realize it was all a dream,
I in your arms,
You in my life,
And all as happy as it once seemed.
--"quiroz" 2004

broken smile

Lost in love I used to smile alot,
Now this broken smile is all I got,
A false illusion of the real thing,
Uncomparable to what you are used to seeing,
But these days it is all I know,
To hide these emotions I am afraid to show,
And I will myself to never frown,
Lest they know I am feeling down,
So I still smile and smile alot,
But with this broken smile because it is all I got.
--"quiroz" 2004

Friday, October 15, 2004

i don't wanna grow up

I don't wanna grow up,
I'm a Toys 'R Us kid,
'cause Toys 'R Us has lots of toys that I can play with,
From planes to trains to video games,
It's the funnest toy store there is,
I don't wanna grow up,
'Cause maybe if I did,
I wouldn't be a Toys 'R Us kid.

Truthfully, I was never a Toys 'R Us kid. My parents had 6 children. Could you imagine that family trip? No, my parents were smart. So I was deprived as a child. In fact the very first time I set foot inside a Toys 'R Us store was when I was in college...and I didn't feel special. Now, I'm not saying that my siblings and I never had toys growing up, we weren't that deprived. I mean my sisters had their potatoes with twigs for limbs and mop strands for hair and my brothers and I had our milk cartons with push-pop know, we had fun. Seriously though, we never had the cool toys. You know the toys that were popular at the moment. While the kids in the neighborhood were playing with the latest Star Wars action figures, I was playing with the finest collection of mexican wrestling action figures. While others were playing with their Voltron, Thundercats, or Transformer sets, I was playing with my army of generic little green men. But I was a little kid, I didn't know any better. While I might have wished for the cool action figures, I had just as much fun with my toys. My parents did their best to try to afford my siblings and I a happy childhood and I love them greatly for that. We might not have had the coolest toys we wanted, but we never wanted for food, clothing, or a roof over our heads.

But I think life was much easier when I was a little kid. We found pleasure in the smallest of things and were satisfied with far less than kids these days. It's almost as if our own "grown up" greed of always wanting something more, better, and faster than our neighbors has leaked down to children these days. It's apparent when I observe my nieces and nephews at Christmas. Or when I happen upon that child at the store who's thrown himself on the floor in a full-on rage, changing colors, convulsing, foaming at the mouth, sputtering obcsenities, 'cause he's not getting his Fisher Price farm animal set. And I'm thinking, "Fuckin' ey, 'cause you're hold old, two?" I mean these kids are in diapers and their having these violent temper tantrums. When I was a kid, my friends and I would spend all day playing in the corn fields across the street from my house. That is until the Children of the Corn movie came out, then we said, "Fuck that!" But even then after awhile it became a game of seeing who was too chicken to wander into the fields in the middle of the night. We rode our bikes all over town, granted it was a small town, but still. We played in the trenches of the new housing tracks, had rock fights. Life was definetly much easier. Adults have too many responsibilities, too many expectations. I mean we're expected to pay bills every month. What's up with that? I'm like, "Didn't we just pay the cable people last month...damn, do they expect a payment every month?" Oh, to be a kid again. For now I guess I'll just go play with my Mr. Potato Head "action figure".

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

traffic, and industry, and cows?!...oh my!

It's suggested that if you want to exercise outdoors, you do it in the early morning before the traffic pollution fills the air. I guess that's sound advice...if you live anywhere other than the Central Valley and specifically Fresno. For those of us who do happen to live here we're pretty much screwed no matter what time of day we decide to exercise outdoors.

This became apparent to me as I was jogging this morning, sans my jogging partner, and I realized I haven't been able to see the foothills in weeks . The trail I follow overlooks a cattle grazing field, a recycling plant, an industrial rock quarry, and is supposed to offer a grand view of the foothills and the Sierra Nevadas. I've been jogging along this trail for nearly a month now and only once have I had that grand view of the Sierra Nevadas. Instead, my usual grand vista is a light curtain of haze, which hides away the foothills making them seem like ghosts at a distance. So as I'm jogging I realize, "Fuck me...and I'm inhaling this shit!" So I start holding my breathe so as not to inhale that toxic air...okay not really, that would be stupid. I was jogging. But the thought did surprise me and I lost my concentration on my breathing, which caused me to start huffin' and puffin' violently just as I was jogging passed this middle-aged couple. They looked at me with concern on their face as though they feared I would kill over at any second. Embarrassed, I smiled and grunted out a, "Good mornin'." They reciprocated and I continued on my way, regaining my breathing concentration. During my post-jogging stretch session my lungs felt taxed and I kept coughing. Maybe it was just my mind, or maybe it was my lungs doing their job of expunging (is that a word?) all the junk I had just inhaled.

The other day on the news they were talking about how local cattle ranchers had their undies all in a twist, 'cause a study found that the increase of dairy cattle in the Central Valley was contributing massively to our air pollution. Apparently dairy cattle emit tons of bovine gas daily, in fact, they produce as much smog as daily traffic does. I say, "Stuff a pipe in it!" Rig them cows with emission control devices. Hell, if the horse I ride is required to have one, why not the cow that provides my milk?!

People wonder why the air quality is so bad here. Well, we have car exhaust, pesticides, industrial plants, and now cow farts...go figure. We live in a valley, so all this junk in the air just stagnantly settles over us with nowhere to go but in our lungs. Maybe it's a conspiracy by the very expensive health clubs to get us to pay to exercise in their facilities and not outdoors. Those bastards! They won't get my money though, I'll just invest in a dust mask.

Monday, October 11, 2004

it's not how it appears on t.v....really it's not!

It's taken me 7 years to calm my parents' nerves and convince them that Fresno isn't the crime ridden, gang infested, L.A. mini-me that they once thought it was. I have to admit though, initially I had my reservations about even coming to school in Fresno, because I watched the nightly news stories on crime in Fresno. I mean at one point Fresno with a population of roughly 500,000 people held the record for most stolen vehicles in the nation...the nation, little ol' Fresno did.

So, understandably it was a little nerve wracking for my parents who watch the late night news every night to send off they're youngest child to this war zone. At least twice a week I would receive the worried phone calls, 'cause they had just watch a news story involving a shooting, stabbing, mugging, or nose picking incident. To make matters worse my freshman year, about two days after I moved into the dorms a university student was beaten nearly to death right across the street from the dorm facilities by a couple "white supremacists".

Fresno isn't a sleepy town, that's for sure, but it's not what they make it out to be on the news either. Maybe it's just that I've lived here for so long that I'm starting to sound like those poor souls who actually grew up here and are always denying that Fresno is ghetto. I remember a few years back my roomie and I gave a friend a ride to her house clear across town. My roomie and I had already lived here for a couple years, so we were familiar with the rosy garden vs. bullet-proof vest boundaries and we were clearly deep in the bullet-proof vest territory. My friend however, was adamently denying that she lived in a ghetto neighborhood. So we're driving along and as we're nearing her neighborhood we notice that the ghetto bird is up in the sky beaming it's ray of light onto her neighborhood, still she denied. As we turned the corner onto her street what do we see, but a car which had apparently jumped the curb surrounded by squad cars and a couple manicled men sitting on the curb. But it isn't, not at all.

Although, I have been a victim of crime here in Fresno. Okay, actually my Purple Passion car was. A couple years back I took a road trip with my buddies down to Southern Cali. I left my car behind thinking it would be okay, "Who'd wanna break into my car?", I thought. At this point it had already lost it's pimp juice or "mojo" as it were and so it was simply getting me from point A to point B. I was rockin' a pull-out stereo in the dash, you know the kind that you actually "pull-out" the entire unit from the dash. They were cool back, back in the day and it was normal to see someone walking around carrying a car stereo. Well anyway, people were always thinking that it was a CD player for some reason, but it was a cassette player to boot. Yes, ghetto-fied pimp ride. So, we were gone out of town for the weekend and when we returned I noticed that one of the rear side windows was missing, not broken, but missing. My doors were unlocked and my stereo was laying on my floor board. Yeup, it wasn't even worthy of being stolen. I can't blame them, I mean I could only imagine the response they would've gotten had they tried to sell an old school pull-out stereo on the street. The only thing missing was that back window. They must've figured, "Hell, we broke into this bitch, we gotta take something." I actually appreciated their consideration in not breaking a window to get in, 'cause I would've really been pissed had I had to clean the glass from out my car. After that my car was never messed with again. But aside from that...Fresno isn't that bad.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

r.i.p. superman

He died...can you believe that?! I was shocked at the news, 'cause I was really pulling for him. Honestly, I really didn't expect that he would ever walk again, but you had to admire his determination. Just the other night during the second presidential debate, Kerry referred to him when talking about embryo stem cell research. I'm not a religious person, but he and his family will be in my thoughts.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

drown my sorrows in the great blue sea

At the edge of the sea, that is where I need to be at this very instant.

I awoke this morning to this overwhelming feeling of sadness and I need to runaway from it, if only for a few hours or a day. Just when I think I'm doing good and I'm strong and I'm dealing, I get stuck with this feeling again. The last time I felt completely happy, calm, and collected was on a trip my ex and I took to Monterey, CA. Being an Aquarius (the water bearer) I truly feel a connection with the sea. The vastness of it makes my problems seem miniscule in comparison. I could drown my sorrows in it for the remainder of my days and still leave room for 1,000 more sorrowed lives. I wish for the waves to break upon my being as they do the bluffs and carry away with them these feeling that are weighing on me. Carry them away to be lost at sea and that they never wash ashore. Or if they do, that they wash ashore many years from now after I have lived many happy, calm, and collected days from which I can draw strength. Then they would serve as memories of battle scars. And on my death bed they'll be a confirmation that I existed, that it wasn't all a dream, and most importantly, that I lived.

Friday, October 08, 2004

she's hot and they're awesome!

I watched the Rock Steady Live dvd that I bought last night and I got to say that No Doubt is fuckin' awesome!

I only wish that I could actually see 'em in concert live. A couple of years ago they played the Centennial Gardens in Bakersfield and I wanted to go see 'em so bad. My friends from back home went to see them, but ditched me...those bastards!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

my universal twin is living my life

I'm always getting confused with other people. I guess it's 'cause I'm a dark complected Mexican. My friends joke that I'm black and you know we all look alike. In any case, today for dinner I went to Port-o-Subs. I swear I eat there so much I'm gonna hit 'em for an endorsement deal, hell Jared did it. Today though, I decided to go to one I don't frequent that often 'cause I was on that side of town.
I go up to the counter and ask the girl, "Do you guys have the chicken teryaki?"
"Sorry, that's the one thing we don't have. We're all out."
"I know, every time you come here we're all out of it."
I'm thinking, "Okay...'cause I don't come here that often and when I do come I never order the chicken teryaki." But I decided to play along.
"Yeah, every time I come in here you guys never have it."
"You should come in a little earlier next time", she said with a smile.
She was totally hitting on me, she wanted me I know she did. I saw it in her eyes, she was cross-eyed. So anyway, I decided to go with my usual...a small tuna on wheat with swiss cheese and everything on it. I can never go wrong with that.

Then a little later on my way back from Best Buy (I had went with my roomie "the hoebag" to kill time and I bought the No Doubt Rock Steady L*I*V*E dvd.) we stopped by Jamba Juice 'cause I was craving a smoothie. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a very indecisive person. So, I walk in and i'm looking at the menu and they just have so many options and they all sound so good.
I walk up to the counter still trying to decide when the overly perky cashier asks, "What could we make for you tonight?"
"We don't have that!", she says with a very matter of fact face.
"Damn it!", I exclaim pretending to pound my fist on the counter.
"Yeah, damn it...what else could we make for you?", she asks with a huge smile.
"Where do I know this girl from? Is she that perky chick from that one dance class?"
"I'll have the original size pick-me-up peach."
"I thought she worked at the one in Riverpark and the last time I saw her there she was pregnant."
"What's your name?"
"Do you work at (blah, I couldn't make out where she was saying, but I'm not working right now, so I knew she was confused.)"
"No, I don't."
"Oh, you look like this guy that works at (blah)."
"I get that alot."
And she was that perky girl from that one dance class I remembered her name and it was on her tag.

But this happens to me all the time. At school people were always confusin me with someone else. This one time this guy stopped me, shook my hand like he knew me and said, "Hey, wassup man, are you going to the meeting tonight?" My confusion must've been apparent on my face, 'cause he quickly apologized said he thought I was someone else and ran off. So I'm thinking I have to find and kill off this imposter, 'cause it seems like he's a little more popular than I am.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

a friendly reminder to vote

"20 Million Loud!"
"Declare Yourself"
"Vote or Die"
"Rock the Vote"
"Choose or Lose"

What are you waiting for?
A formal invitation?
It's in your face, it's all around,
Almost as much as sex, violence,
You can't protest you didn't know,
No one will buy into your stupidity,
Unless your initials are George W. Bush,

And fuck you if I'm being unpatriotic,
My patriotism is in my freedom of speech,
So that they know in war they didn't die in vain,
And even after "Mission Accomplished" they haven't died in vain,
Unpatriotic would be to not exercise our rights,
Rights they have given their lives for us to enjoy,
Fathers, mothers, sons, daughters
Brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors
Co-workers, husbands, wives, lovers
Dead, dying still everyday

And at home the colors of the rainbow represent our level of alert,
Our level of stress by which to function with throughout our day,
Keeping us freightened, keeping us controlled,
With the help of the conglomerate "free press",
As they turned our losses on the battle fields into ultimate reality TV,
And they blame the difficulty of success overseas to bad luck,
Not wanting to admit to the grand American mind fuck,

And still you don't care,
You have children and still you don't care,
You pay taxes and still you don't care,
You're of draft age and still you don't care,
You're about to retire and still you don't care,
You're black, you're white, you're brown, you're yellow, you're red,
You're green, you're gay, you're straight and still you don't care,
Soon you'll be stripped of you rights and guess what?
They won't care!

on governor mcgreevy...'member him?

I was going through my files today and I came across this poem I wrote a while back. It's old news now, but I thought I'd share

Fall From Grace

Soon I will be forgotten,
Become a memory of what once was,
A fleeting glimpse of a lost soul,
Roaming his empty life to find himself.

Searching in the arms and lips and sex of unknown men,
To find a piece of that lost dream of what I was to become,
And trying to loose this skin of my actual becoming,
This shameful, guilty skin that squeezes me lifeless as I sleep,
Beside him, beside her, beside myself as I watch in disgust.

I tried to find solace in the Big City speak-easy's, sex-easy's,
But instead I cruised Solitude in the shadows of the night,
And he and I elicited our affair on our backs, on our feet, and on our knees,
Begging for forgiveness for a life I have failed to escape,
And a life I have failed to keep pretense.

Now my crystal castle has come crashing down,
The shards of it leaving their scars on my face for all to see,
Shame, guilt, anger, sadness, relief...
As I declare, "I am a gay American".

boston marathon here i come!

Aight, aight...maybe the marathon at the Special Olympics, but those fuckers better watch their backs! It's been about 3 weeks now that my friend and I have been walking/jogging about 4 miles daily at Woodward park. I gotta say I'm feeling 10x better than when we first started. Now, I've never really been in physical shape my whole life. Unless you count round as being in physical shape. Round is a shape right?

Anyhow, when we first started walking I tried joggin, but couldn't jog too far before I was gasping for air. Slowly I increased the jogging and now I'm able to jog over a mile non-stop without calapsing. That's good right? I'm siked, though I'm not able to take my usual mid-afternoon naps anymore, 'cause I have a little more energy than usual.

I started this workout routine, 'cause I just was always in a funk. You know when you just feel unhealthy? Mentally and physically I was just...yuck! About a year ago I was in decent enough health, I was taking a kickboxing class, fitness walking class, and a dance class all in the same semester. So I was pretty much working out all week long. I kept up the working out even after the semester was over and my roomie and I would go play raquet ball in the evenings during the summer. But then I started my last year of college, I was the president of an engineering society at school, and I started a relationship (what the fuck was I thinking?). So needless to say I was hard pressed for time. Between the studying for exams, meeting project deadlines, trying to keep an organization afloat with an uncooperating e-board, and making time for that significant other, working out just didn't fit in. So fast forward to about a month ago and I found myself with a few extra pounds, a little less hair on my head, alot of stress on my mind, no job, a failed relationship and an overall unhealthy feeling. Fucken ey, I was doing fantabulous!

So I started to work on the physical first, 'cause I had alot of stress to relieve and so I started the walking/joggin routine. Once I got into that groove I figured I should start working on the mind, 'cause it was doing cartwheels, handsprings, throwing up, taking a shit, then doing it all over again. I thought...hmmm...maybe this isn't too healthy. I tried to keep a journal, but it just felt like I was talking to myself, 'cause I mean who's gonna read my journal, but myself right? I know what I'm going through, I'm living it. Then this blog was created and though no one might be reading I feel like I'm venting to someone and that's helped lately.

Now my physical being is being improved, my mind is getting clearer and I'm finally finding focus...though I still have no clue what I'm doing. Maybe I will start training for a marathon. Though I'll probably still start with the Special Olympics to build my confidence, you know.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

i'm here to see a man about a horse

My Mustang is ill again! I enjoyed my car for a few days, now it's back at the shop. If you remember from an earlier post(I like to amuse myself by thinking people actually read my shit), anyway so it had been in the shop for over a week while it was getting major work done. Well, recently I started noticing a knocking noise coming from the engine when I was driving around town. I thought, "Oh fuck no, I just dropped 2G's on this muthafucka." So I finally took it in today to get looked at. It was only supposed to be there for a couple of hours, but of'course now it's staying there over night. It's for the best I suppose, I'd like for it to be running like new.

I was thinking the other day that I should name my car. My old car was named Purple Passion. I forget how that name came, actually it was a few friends from my college dorm days that came up with that name. The "hoodrats" I called them, but it was all love. Hell, they probably were hoodrats, but I'm not one to pass judgement. But I digress from my point. My old car was an '84 Chevy Cavalier, and it was purple, yes purple, and it had racing flag pinstiping, and a purple diamond on each of the tail lights. No joke, that car was pimp! Well, that's what I told myself so that I wouldn't be embarassed driving it around. I only bought it because I was in the market for a cheap car and was tired of looking around. In it's prime, when I first got it it turned heads. It was pimp I'm telling you, it was definetely unique. It didn't have a muffler, it had a straight pipe running from the exhaust to the tail pipe and it was loud. You could hear me coming down the road. And at every stoplight I got the people reving their engines wanting to race me. Mind you this was a four cylinder, 2.0L, auto-transmission, 20 year old Cavalier and people wanted to race me. I guess it gave the deceiving appearance that it might be suped up, but come on a Cavalier. It was a good car though, I kept it for about five years. I got rid of it, 'cause I didn't want to put any money into repairing all it's little engine problems and ironically ended up dumping two grand into a car I had but 5 months. I'm hoping that after this it'll be just like new, 'cause I love my horse. Now if only it ran on love and water, 'cause these gas prices are killing me again.

Monday, October 04, 2004

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I'll Always Remember

I've tried to erase you from memory
Erase the pain within
I've tried to forget the way you held me
Forget the safety of your embrace
I've tried to not remember your voice
Remember its calming effect over me
But no matter how hard I try
I can't erase you
Much less forget you
Because I'll always remember
I'll always remember you

I'll always remember that initial conversation
the first date
the first kiss
the night we made it official
the first sleepover
when you first said, "I love you"
when I finally said, "I love you too"

I'll always remember meeting your daughter
meeting your mother
and when you first doubted our love
the trips out of town
the times you said that you loved me and meant it
the nights I slept by your side
the many days I looked forward to seeing you

I'll always remember
And sometimes all I want to do is forget
Still I remember how much I loved you
and know how much I love you still.
--"quiroz" 2004

no doubt


Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes its hard to keep on running
Work so much to keep it going
Don't let me want to give up

That's a little lyric excerpt from the No Doubt Rock Steady album. It's a great album. If you don't already have it in your collection I highly recommend it. For some reason I am feelin' this specific song today.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

love life, what love life?

My sister "M" asked me recently, "So, how's your love life going?". Innocent enough question right? Well, I guess it would be had I not just recently come out of a relationship. And not just any relationship, but my very first relationship at that. So, that little innocent question was pretty much a kick in the ribs while I was down. "Non-existent, that's how my love life is going". Then of'course I had to go through the whole explaination of what happened, 'cause of'course last we had spoken of my "love life" everything was going great. So I bullshitted through my explaination of why it didn't work out. I wish I could've given her a better explaination, and I would have had I had one. Truth of the matter is hell I don't even know why it didn't work out. You ever get asked a question you feel you should know the answer to, but don't so you just start pulling shit out your ass? Well, that's how I feel everytime someone asks me, "What happened, you guys seemed to be doing so good?".

Apparently looks can be deceiving, 'cause fuck I thought we were doing good too, also, as well. And recently my ex confirmed that we were doing good, though we're not together anymore...very confusing. So anyway, the reasons I was given for the breakup were that they just weren't ready for a relationship, that they had too much on their plate right now, and the final twist of the knife...that they just simply weren't feeling the relationship anymore. What do you say to that?! What can you possibly say to someone who basically tells you, "You know, I'm just not feeling you anymore. I still love you, but I don't wanna be with you. Now that the honeymoon is over it's just different." What the fuck!? "Fuck, okay." I even got the, "It's me, not you", line. But I'm not bitter, no really I'm not. Hurt, sure of'course, but not bitter. We're still friends, my ex and I, I mean there's still love there. And they are a great person, so if friends is all we're meant to be as hard as that is to come to grips with, then so be it.

Funny thing is that I used to think that love was all it took to make a relationship work. I know, I know I was so naive, but now I'm learned. I know now that it's not enough to simply love someone. There also has to be a mutual desire by both parties to put in the work to make a relationship successful. It's all about working to keep it fresh, working to be willing to compromise, working through conflicting schedules, working at putting in the work. I can rest assured that I held up my end of the bargain, I was willing to put in mad work, I gave my love unconditionally and expected nothing but the same in return. Unfortunately, that still wasn't enough. At least I can't be accused of holding back. Maybe that was the problem. In any case I have but one regret...that it didn't work out. And as cliched as it may be, "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I'm still living and therefore will love again. But for now..."love life, what love life?"

Friday, October 01, 2004

it's alive!!!

Okay, so one week and a couple grand later my ride is back on the road. About a week ago as I was minding my own business driving back into town (Fresno,CA) from my parents' (Earlimart, CA), my car broke down along the highway, not fun. Had to have it towed into town, then to Pep Boys to get it repaired. Turns out the motor got so hot that the head gaskets burnt out. Now after Manny, Moe, and Jack had their way with me my wallet is hurting, but at least I'm not stranded at home anymore. That's not to say that I was always out and about before my car took a shit, but it really sucked to know that even if I did want to go somewhere I couldn't.

I shave my head, otherwise my hair would have been falling out. Stress is a horrible, horrible thing. Funny thing is that I thought I was over and done with stress, being as how I'm done with school. Silly, silly little's only just begun.

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