Thinking Out Loud

Monday, November 29, 2004

mother's intuition

Strangest thing, I was thinking all morning long that I should call my mom to ask her what I should be taking to get over my sore throat (which I think might be tonsilitis). I decided to check out webmd before calling my mom, 'cause she worries alot. So, I'm online checking out the webmd website and my self diagnosis is tonsilitis. As I'm online my cell phone starts ringing and it's my mom. Now, my mom rarely ever calls me. I always give her a call every Friday to check in with her. So when she calls me I kinda get nervous that something might have happened. Turns out she was just thinking about me and decided to call me to check in. Coincidence, I think not. It's happened a few times before. I'll be feeling really home sick and all of a sudden she or one of my siblings will call me out of the blue. Or I'll get this overwhelming feeling to call home and my mom will tell me that she was thinking about me. I wonder sometimes how much of that stuff is coincidence and how much of it is intuition. In any case, she gave me a few home remedies I will try. Mother's know best...most of the times.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

it will hurt if I swallow...

Remember that cough syrup commercial where the little kid is in bed and is having a hard time drinking her juice? "It will hurt if I swallow." Well, that's how I have felt all weekend long. I woke up Friday morning with a nagging feeling in my throat. By Friday night that nagging feeling turned to pain. So much so that I didn't get a wink of sleep Friday night or last night for that matter. I thought it was a cold or the flu coming on, but it's just a really bad sore throat. I think my tonsils are swollen...that's never good. It's just pure pain trying to drink anything, especially eat anything. I'm taking so many drugs and popping them damn halls like crazy, but nothing seems to be doing the trick. I've spent all day in bed today, trying to get some rest, but that hasn't helped either. And I swear my apartment is a fuckin' ice box...I think I'm gonna have to break down and turn on the damn heater. My walls seem paper thin and I swear I can feel a draft flowing straight through my shut window. These old apartments...gotta love 'em. So, of'course the coldness of my apartment isn't doing me any good. Which is why I've spent all day under my blankets watching movie after movie. I think I'll go through my entire DVD collection by tomorrow night. I'm just really hoping to get over this sore throat before I have to go back to work on Tuesday. That would suck! Times like this I miss living back home. I'm sure my mom would have me some warm chicken soup ready to go. It's barely 6 pm and I'm ready to go to bed now. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. I can already see the black bags forming under my eyes. Well, enough of my woe is me story...i'm sure I'll be just fine.

Friday, November 26, 2004

why fridays have lost all meaning

It used to be that every Friday my friends and I used to get together and either go watch a movie, have dinner, or both. Now, we're all on totally different schedules or doing our own thing, so it's rare that we all can get together any day of the week for that matter. But for a time it was a regular routine, come Friday we would call eachother up throughout the day to get our plans together for that night. No matter how busy shit got throughout the week, there was always that to look forward to.

Then for a minute there, Fridays were one of my favoritest days of the week, because it was one of the two days of the week that I got to see my ex. Thursdays and Fridays were reserved just for my ex and the occasional outing with friends. The whole time we were together only a couple Fridays did we not see eachother or do anything together. But then of'course that was over and I found myself spending Fridays at home...just chillin'. I hadn't done that for such a long time that it just felt weird...and it still does.

When I was in school, Fridays were my saviours from classes and homework and all the other shit I dealt with throughout the week. I knew that if I could just get to Friday I would be good. No homework or studying got done on Fridays, needless to say. Fridays were mine and they did not involve anything school related.

Then when I was done with school, Fridays of course meant the end of the work week. My job was soooooo boring throughout the week that I began my count down to Friday as soon as I sat in front of my computer Monday morning. Fridays never came fast enough, but when they arrived I had those next two sweet days to sleep in if I so chose. But the weekend was never long enough and my count down to Friday started all over again. It was a vicious cycle.

When that job ended I went a few weeks without a job. So Fridays were, well just Fridays. Hell, everyday was a weekend for me. There was no looking forward to Fridays, 'cause everyday was a Friday. That got boring really quick. It's no fun having everyday be Friday, when it's just you and you.

Now...well, now I work Saturday mornings and that sucks a big one. I don't even bother getting excited that it's Friday anymore. Sometimes I don't even realize it's Friday. Today for instance, I was under the assumption that it was Monday and I don't even work Mondays. I tell you, nowadays all the days are just a jumbled mess to me. I can tell you the date on any given day, but ask me what day of the week it is and more often than not I'm just clueless to it. Perhaps it's because I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I've noticed that the days just fly by when you are clueless to them. I was at work today and in my mind I was going over the things that I would have to do tomorrow (Saturday) at work and I couldn't help but feel like I had just done that shit yesterday. I started trying to retrace my week to make sure I had been here all week long. You know, to make sure I didn't black out for a couple days or get abducted by aliens. You just never know.

So anyhow, T.G.I.F is merely a restaurant name to me now. Fridays have lost all meaning to me, for now. That is until something else comes along that will have me looking forward to the weekend once again. I'll keep you posted.

stuff your pie hole!

Okay, so like most people yesterday I ate more than my share of Thanksgiving turkey. There was no mercy! Over the years my family has grown, I have three sisters and two brothers, but between them I have about 19 nieces and nephews, and 19 hungry nieces and nephews at that. It has gotten to the point that my ma' now has to cook two turkeys, yes two and this year one of my sisters cooked a ham too. Now, you might be thinking damn that's alot of food...and it is. But we're talking about 12 adults, 7 teenagers, and a grip of small hungry mouths to feed. After saying grace, which I swear my mom stretched far longer than was necessary (she had us go around the table and each and every one of us give our thanks. Note to self: next year mom doesn't say grace.), anyway after saying grace I had to drive my mom to the store, 'cause we had no disposable cups. When we got back from the store about 10 mins later, the first turkey had no breasts, and only one drumstick. Vultures I tell you, vultures! Luckily, there was that second turkey still untouched, viginlike if you will. Well, not so much I guess since my mom had her hand all up in there. Anywho, after eating so much I though I'd pass out for sure I was really glad that I had to work today, 'cause I did not want to be back home with all those leftovers. I'm trying to watch my girlish figure don't you know? It's okay to stuff your pie hole once a year though, right?

Monday, November 22, 2004

'twas the night before christmas

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse

Mom at the Whorehouse
And Dad smoking grass
I Had just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my place
To see what was the matter

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick

He came down the Chimney
Like a bat out of Hell
I knew in a Moment
The Fucker Had Fell

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all

back at it again...for now

After being woken up early as fuck this morning I noticed what a beautiful day it was outside. So, I decided I would go for a jog this morning. I have not been out joggin in over a month and I am beginning to feel it. So today, I said fuck it, get your lazy ass up and go for a jog. That was my little inspirational pep talk to myself. But wait, before I get to my jog...who the fuck calls anybody at 7:30 in the damn morning?! Sundays and Mondays are my days off and on those days I like to sleep in, but unfortuneatly I have a friend who always insists on calling me as she's getting ready to head off to work. She must figure since she's up everyone else is up too. I suppose I could put my phone on silent at night, but I always forget to do that. Besides I'm always afraid I'll miss an important call in the middle of the know you just never know. I like the voice messages she leaves too. Always starts off with, "Hello Quiroz (key-ross, nobody calls me Edward anymore, but that's another story) I know it's really early in the morning and you're probably still asleep, I'm sorry if I woke you up yadayadayada...". It's 7:30 in the fuckin' morning, ya think I'm still asleep?! I can't get upset though, 'cause when she does call that early it's to check up on me and make sure I'm doing okay. But damn, can you call me at a descent hour...say noon or something.

Breathe...sigh...okay, I'm good. I got that off my chest. So joggin. Like I said I hadn't been jogging in over a month and I had really been feeling dissappointed in myself, so today I decided to take advantage of the nice weather out. When I got to the park I decided I shouldn't work myself too hard today, since I haven't jogged in such a long time. So I jogged the short trail, two miles. I like jogging the short trail, because it's always lonely. Not that I was trying to be anti-social, but I'm trying to get back on the ball and I didn't need all them professional joggers to hurt my confidence. Anyway, as I jogged along I had the cool breeze blowing against my face and it felt good. I enjoyed the view as I was jogging today, because on this specific day the snowcapped Sierra Nevadas are clearly visable. The usual dried up grass along the trail was now lush and green due to the moist weather we've been having. The sky too was crystal clear, despite the smog visibly forming on the horizon. There is a wildlife refuge along the short trail I jogged this morning. And today, a hawk followed me along most of the trail. It must have been hoping I killed over as I jogged so that it could have itself a good meal. It lost interest after awhile. When I was done jogging my sinuses went haywire. That's how bad the air quality must've been, because I had major pressure in my sinuses and my eyes were all watery. I drove home squinting all the way. Damn smog! Well, I'm being optimistic and hoping to be able to continue the joggin. I'm pretty sure I can keep back at it...for now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

Okay, so most people don't know this about me, but Christmas is my most favorite holiday of the entire year. So you can imagine my excitement when I walk into any department store and I'm reminded that Christmas is almost upon us. At work, the "entertainment party central" business across the street sets out a speaker everyday and they blast Christmas tunes all day long...and I'm in heaven. On TV everything is Christmas and I know it won't be long 'till I'm able to watch A Christmas Story, which so happens to be one of my favorite movies (hint, Christmas present anyone?). "You'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out...", God I love that movie.

Christmas trees, Christmas lights, holly, poinsettas, wreathes, mistletoe, tinsel (until I have to pick it off the tree), Santa Claus, Snowmen, ornaments, reindeer, Rudolph, candy canes, angels...all of it, I love it all! A guilty confession...I tune in every year to PBS's presentation of the choirs and symphonies performing all songs Christmas. I don't know why, but Christmas is my holiday. I'm telling you just thinking about it now is making me excited. I guess it's because growing up, my happiest memories are at Christmas time. I have clear, fond, twentysome year old memories of happy Christmas'. The one gift I vividly remember receiving is a red bucket of Legos when I was about five years old. I remember it, because my parents had placed it next to my pillow at night so that when I woke up I would think Santa had left it for me. And I did, I bought it...I was five years old. Oh man, I cherished those legos. I still have that red bucket to this day...minus the legos of'course thanks to my little nephews. I remember waking up extra early on Christmas day in my PJ's with the footsies, you know the ones, don't make that face 'cause you wore them too. You know the ones our parents cut the feet away as we out grew 'em. I have three sisters and two brothers, so Christmas has always been loud, lots of people, lots of energy and now that we're older, lots of "spirits" to warm our bones. Last year for instance, my bar tending skills got my sister Griselda tore the fuck up! Had her praying to the porcelain gods and laying on the bathroom floor, hilarious! I have the pictures to prove it too.

I love the temperature out at Christmas time, I love the cold. It means family gatherings around a crackling fire reminiscing and bullshitting. The smoke from the fire penetrating our clothes as we huddle around the fire to keep warm. The wood burning smoke...a smell I instantly associate with Christmas and family. Sweaters, long johns, beanies, gloves, jackets,'s Christmas and it's almost here! This year I'm going all out and I'm decorating my place for Christmas. "Like last year?", sarcastic comment from the roomie. No, not like last year little biatch, this year I'm actually gonna do it. See, Christmas is my favorite holiday, but for the past few years I hadn't really been feeling it. My parents decorate their house every year for Christmas, but I've always had to be here in Fresno till Christmas eve because of school or work. So, I hadn't really been able to get in the spirit since I hadn't been surrounded by all the Christmas decorations. This year I decided will be different, this year my home will bring me that Christmas cheer that has been missing in recent years. Even if I have to buy myself a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.'s the most wonderful time of the year.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

the usual suspect

I accompanied the roomie to the mall last night on his never ending quest to find his gf a birthday present. Needless to say we left empty handed. I wasn't feeling the whole shopping thing last night, so I wasn't much help. Plus we got there about 20 minutes before the mall closed so the few stores we hit up seemed to be in a hurry to get us the fuck out. We had to walk through JC Penny to get to the car. So as we're walking through I noticed a couple colognes I like were on display. Naturally I stopped to inspect the gift sets that were set out. Well, I must've lingered too long, 'cause when we turned away to leave the sales lady pretending to sweep the floor made it a point to stare at my hands to make sure I hadn't taken anything. What the fuck bitch...damn! I felt like I should have rolled up my sleeves and shaken my hands to show her I hadn't taken anything. I don't think I look suspicious, but I must because that was not the first time I got that from someone. One time, at band camp...oh no I was at Wal-Mart, yeah I know that was my first mistake, anyway I was walking down an isle and in the opposite direction a woman and young child were headed toward me. The child must've been about 4 years old and she was seated in the shopping cart holding her mother's wallet in her hands. The lady was telling the daughter to make sure to hold the wallet tight so that she wouldn't lose it. Just then she noticed me walking their way and said, "Speaking of which.", and quickly grabbed the wallet from the child's hand. I could have been an asshole about it and made a comment, but I said fuck's not worth it. Really, it was funnier than it was insulting. I don't know what it is about me, I mean I have hair now kinda, okay I am a dark complected Mexican, and I do have the eyebrow piercing. So fuck I guess I do look like the usual suspect.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

wedded bliss

I attended a couple friends' wedding today. Well, okay I attended a couple friends' wedding reception today, 'cause I didn't quite make the ceremony. Hell, I was even an hour and a half late to the reception. I can blame my roomie (the hoebagg) though, 'cause I waited for him to get home from work so we could go together. Otherwise...well, I probably would've been late anyway. Plus the fact that the reception was held over an hour away and literally in the middle of nowhere didn't help our tardiness. I have a problem with always being late. I don't know why it is, but I'm rarely ever anywhere on time. I guess it's something I have to work on, because I'm sure eventually I'm going to have a job where I can't just waltz in whenever I want. Not that I do that now, but I'm always a couple minutes late to work.

Anyhow, so I've known the bride and groom since my freshman year in college. Oooohhh, let's just say it's been awhile. Yet it seems like only yesterday. But I've known them both for quite some time and they've been together pretty much since I've known them, still it was weird seeing them all dressed up in their bride and groom costumes. I say costumes, because it seemed surreal. Almost as though I were watching a play and all these people in the wedding party were the cast. I guess it's hard to realize that my friends will soon start marrying off and start doing their own thing. I used to think that I would never take that leap into ultimate coupledom. I have always been independent and too I guess a bit selfish. Once I went off to college, I had to do everything on my own. Not because no one was willing to help out, but because I felt I had to be self-sufficient. So I had grown accustomed to fending for myself and being on my own, though it got lonely many times. However, the very thought of settling down scared me. That meant I would lose my independence. I would no longer be able to do as I pleased. Then I fell in love and that all changed. The thought of spending the rest of my time with the Ex didn't scare me. It actually made me happy. I thought I had finally found what I was looking for. Unfortunately, as I was contemplating giving up some of my independence the Ex was contemplating gaining some independence. And so we had inadvertently embarked on two opposing paths leading to two distinct destinations or perhaps the same one.

For now, atleast I know I'm no longer put off to being tied down. In fact, I look forward to it. I look forward to having someone know me too well. Having someone think of me throughout their day. Having someone to watch over me when I'm sick. Having someone I'm not ashamed to cry in front of. Having someone I can talk to about anything. Having someone I can have a disagreement with and know they won't love me any less because of it. Having someone to bear witness to my existence. Having someone to share with a resemblence of wedded bliss.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

el vacío que dejaste (the void you left behind)

ahogado en un sueño (drowned in a dream)

me and ray

I watched Ray last week and I have to say it was a really good movie. Jamie Foxx has my vote for the Oscar. It's hard to think of him doing anything other than Lawanda from In Livin' Color, but the boy can act. So anyway, I had wanted to watch the movie since I first caught the trailer a few months ago. I was all excited the night I went to watch it and I wasn't dissapointed. The music in the film was awesome, so literally as soon as I was out of the theatre I walked over to the music store and picked up a copy of the soundtrack. Ever since then it's just been me and Ray. He sings me to sleep at night. And when I'm driving he's got shotgun.

I don't know if you've ever heard any of his music, but his voice is can feel it. You can feel his music, feel his words. It is as though his voice transcends your whole body and for that instant you feel his sadness, his happiness, his pain, his anger. You see the world as he saw it, in his mind's eye where everything is much more vivid than what the naked eye can see. I must admit, though, that listening to his music has drawn out some feelings I would have rather not have come out, but it's a good healing process I guess. I won't hold it against him. So anyway, he's been my ro' dawg. Lately it's just been me and ray.

preach it brotha', preach it!

Drown In My Own Tears
by Ray Charles

It brings a tear,
Into my eyes,
When I begin,
To realize,
I've cried so much,
Since you've been gone,
I guess I'm drowning in my own tears.

I sit and cry,
Just like a child
My pouring tears
Are runnin' wild
If you don't think
You'll be home soon
I guess I'll drown in my own tears.

I know it's true
Into each life
Some rain, rain must pour
I'm so blue
Here without you
It keeps raining
More and more.

Why don't you
Come on home
Oh yes so I won't
Be all alone
If you don't think
You'll be home soon.

I guess I'll
(drown in my own tears)
Ooh, don't let me
(drown in my own tears)
When I'm in trouble, baby
(drown in my own tears)
Oh, yeah, baby don't let me
(drown in my own tears)
I guess I'll drown in my own tears
Oh, mmmmm...

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

come sleep and take me away

Take me away from this place. Away from all I know. Take me to revisit the places you have showed me once before. So that I might soar once again in the midnight sky. So that I might bathe once again in the deep blue skies up above. Let me plumet to the earth from high atop a building or off the edge of a sidewalk's curb. Lead me through the forest to that misty cabin near the creek. You have lead me there many times before. Seduce me in a liquid dream, so that I might taste of love once again. Even if for just one dream. Carry me in your arms as I bid farewell to this life for the night. Come sleep and take me away.

Monday, November 08, 2004

excited about being excited

I awoke this morning in this same ol' bed, in this same ol' room, in this same ol' apartment, in this same ol' city. However, I awoke without the same ol' feeling that has greeted me every morning for the past few months. Outside an ordinary day in the life awaited me and yet I felt different. Yes, was a brand new day. I have a friend, who seeing that I have been down, has constantly tried to convince me that tomorrow brings a brand new day. And today has been that brand new day.

For the past few months my life has pretty much been in limbo. Experiencing an ultimate case of vertigo I have lacked direction with no sense of what is up and what is down. Up until today that lack of direction had frightened me. I have felt as though I should have it all figured out by now. I mean I am twenty-five, soon to be twenty-six. I have a college degree, an engineering college degree no less. Yet, I am not sure that is what I want. No, I am positive that is not what I want. I have bottled up this feeling deep inside, because I felt as though people (family) have expected this from me and I didn't want to disappoint them. I have kept it bottled up, because I have felt afraid to acknowledge that what I have worked towards for the past seven years is not what I want. However, today has been different. Today I feel excited. It has dawned on me, that I am only twenty-five. Twenty-five! I am single...single in every sense of the word. I have no strings attached. I have no deep roots holding me here. I could leave tomorrow if I chose to. I don't have to play an engineer. I can still be whatever I want to be. And I still have time to figure out what that is exactly.

Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with this excitement. I am excited about the prospects of what is yet to come. I am excited about being excited, again.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

the cost of beauty

When I was in high school...many, many moons ago I remember that for awhile there it was cool for people to wear colored contact lenses. I never fell for that fad, though I did wear prescription contacts and I still do. The only reason why I didn't wear the colored contacts is because I'm a little dark complected and I wasn't going to be fooling anyone. So anyway, I went back home this weekend to visit my family. This morning as I was walking to the restroom one of my nieces noticed that I was carrying my contact lens case and solution into the restroom. "I didn't know you wore contacts tio."
"Wha', who's there?", reaching out pretending to be blind and smacking her on the head.
"Ouch, tio...", looking at me with a your dumb look on her face.
"Oh sorry, yeah I wear contacts see I'm blind without them."
"Oh.", same your dumb look on her face.
Kids these sense of humor. Anyway, later in the morning my sister took my nieces and one of their friends to the "city". The "city" is what we call Delano, a neighboring town 7 miles down the freeway, because it has a Kmart and a brand new Home Depot. When my sister got back from the city my nieces practically jump out of the car all excited. "Guess what?! We bought some colored contact lenses!" Apparently you're now able to buy colored contact lenses at the local 99 cent store. I'm not quite sure how safe that is, but I wasn't gonna burst their bubble. So, I'm sitting in the living room watching Titanic, 'cause I hadn't watched it in years and I can hear my nieces and friend rush the restroom to try on their new contacts. These girls are about 13 years old, so they're all excited right? These are their first set of contacts. For those of you who have never wore contacts, let me just say that the first time you try to put them bitches in is hell. You're seeing your finger going straight for your eye so the natural reaction is to blink or shut your eyes. It's worse if you're having someone else try to put them in for you. So you can imagine a restroom full of little contact lens amateurs trying to help eachother get them cool colored contacts in. I'm sitting in the living room and I can hear them in the restroom. "How do you put them in?"
"Like this look, you have to put it on the tip of your finger."
"Wait, put some of the liquid on it."
"Like this?"
"Yeah, but hold your eye open."
"I can't get it."
"Well stop closing your eye, duh."
"Here you trying putting it on for me."
"Okay, keep your eye open..."
"Aow! That burns!"
"It's 'cause they're new."
"I got one in!"
"Is it supposed to sting?"
"That burns!"
"Damn, your eye is really red."
I was just sitting there laughing at the conversation I was listening in on. Then my nieces little friend walks out of the restroom, tears running down her face, "Eddie, is it supposed to burn your eyes when you put them in."
"No, it shouldn't burn at all.", chuckling to myself. At this point one of my sister's-in-law was also in the restroom trying to show them how to do it, 'cause she had bought some colored contacts awhile back too, so now she was the expert. I walk into the restroom to see what the hell they were doing and my sister-in-law's eye was bloodshot. "Haw, doesn't it burn the first time you put the contacts in?", she asks me.
"No, at least it shouldn't. What kind of solution are you guys using?", I ask trying not to laugh at my sister-in-law standing there with one bloodshot eye and tears running down her cheek trying to convince these girls that it's normal that your eyes turn blood red and sting like hell. So, they hand me the bottle of solution and I nearly doubled over laughing. They handed me a bottle with big letters on the label that read Disenfectant/Soaking Solution. Poor girls. Might as well have poured lemon juice in their eyes then tried to put the contacts in. After explaining how the discenfectant works and that it is not supposed to go in the eye I felt sorry for them and I let them use my contact solution. I figured they had went through all that pain to look cool, might as well help them out. So, they get them in and of'course run out into the sunlight to see how they look in the light. "Wow, they look nice."
Yeah, and they'll look even nicer when your eyes are not bloodshot. So I guess all the tears and stinging eyes were worth it after all. A small price to pay for beauty.

Friday, November 05, 2004

grumpy earl

I've been working at a friend's hardware store now for about a week. Yes, I know I have an engineering degree and I'm working at a hardware store. It's temporary...I hope. Just until I find a "real" job, 'cause nigga' needed some money. Plus I'm not too proud to work at a hardware store, it's a decent living. My co-workers have worked there for years and for a couple of 'em it's their primary source of income. I'll post about my new job at a later time, right now it's the characters I encounter at my job that I want to write about, and one of those characters in particular...grumpy Earl.

See, this hardware store is in the heart of a small backward farming town where everybody knows your name. Seriously, I've just been working there for a week and I have people come into the store who I haven't met and they already know my name. And no, I don't wear a name tag. News travels fast in these little towns...I'm the new guy, the only Mexican working at the store. But I digress. So, at the store we have the regulars who come in almost daily and for the most part they've all been pretty cool with me, especially being a "replacement". However, there are those few who don't particularly care too much for the "new guy", and I'm cool with that. I'm not there to make friends I'm just there to make some money. So anyway, yesterday afternoon I was kickin' it, ahem...I mean working up at the front with a co-worker and we were just chit-chattin'. As we're talking this white old man walks into the store sporting a red and white trucker hat ('cause Ashton Kutcher made them cool again, I'm sure) and a pimp cane... okay a walking cane. This old man must be in his mid sixties. He takes one look at us and his eyes just glaze over immediately almost in a rage. "They got more new people?! Damn it, they go through people like they go through underwear!"
Nervous, unsure laugh. Is this fucker fuckin' around or is he really mad? "Hello, can I help you with something?"
"Yeah, I need to pay ma' PGE bill!"
Okay, so he was really mad. So, I processed his damn bill as fast as possible so he could hurry and get ta' steppin'. All the while, my co-worker has got this smile on her face so as not to make him angier and she's hiding out behind the counter. As he's making his way out the door he grumbles, "Good luck trying to keep your poor bastards!"
I look at my co-worker with what must've been a what the fuck look, 'cause she starts to explain that his name is Earl and he's always like that. "He's always in a crabby mood. He always comes in here and gives the guys a hard time, but they give it back to him sometimes and he takes it. He's just not well...he's dying of cancer. I'm not trying to make any excuses for him, but I guess that's why he's always in a bad mood."

Wow...what it must be like to know that you are dying. I mean we all know that we're dying eventually, but to know that you are dying. How do you deal with that? I suppose anger is a natural reaction. I would definetely be angry. I would be angry at the fact that I have alot of dreams yet to realize. I have goals that I would like to accomplish. I have much love yet to explore. I would be angry at knowing that my time with those that I love is limited. That I have yet to become the man I am meant to be. That I don't feel I have left my mark in this life. I would be dying angry at a young age, because I have all this yet to do. Now, how angry would I be if I were dying an old man having accomplished all I had set out to do? Or would I be angry at all? I wonder about this when I think of grumpy Earl. I wonder if he's realized his youthful dreams or accomplished his goals in life. I wonder if he's known true love or if he's cherished what time he's spent with his loved ones. I wonder how great a man he was in his prime and if he feels as though he's left his mark in this life. Could he be an angry old man, because he is hanging on to regrets? Perhaps he's angry, because soon he will have to leave his wife behind, his one true love. Or hell maybe he's just always been angry. In any case, grumpy Earl has gotten me thinking about my life. There are so many things I want to do and so many things I should have done. I don't want to live with regrets and right now I have a few. I'm thinking I have to get on the ball and start living my life.

I had a run in with grumpy Earl again today. I was out back breaking down some boxes when I noticed him staring at me through the open back door. He was just standing there waiting on me to finish. I looked up at him like, yeah?
"Glue, I need some glue!", he shouted at me.
"Glue?!", I shouted back with an angry look on my face.
His demeanour changed immediately. "Yes, some glue for my wood cabinets.", in a neutral voice. So, I walk him over to where the glue is and he's talking to me normally. It was hard to image this was the same grumpy old man I had dealt with yesterday. I could have taken pity in knowing his situation and going out of my way to be polite. But Earl seems like a proud man, I'm sure the last thing he wants is my pity.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

things that I enjoy

sleeping in,
the winter time,
watching a good movie,
expressing myself through art,
driving around aimlessly by myself,
my friends' company,
dancing to some good music,
skipping town once in awhile,
a great kiss,
the affection of a loved one,
feeling needed,
great conversation,
sharing of myself with those that I love
--"quiroz" 2004

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

giant douche or turd sandwich...which to choose?

I awoke this morning to my cell phone ringing in my ear. Who the hell is calling so early?! Oh, it's already 8:30 am. It was my friend from N.Y. calling to remind me to vote today. Just your friendly reminder to vote. Normally, I would've been irritated with being woken up so early even though I had set my alarm for 7:30 am and had been hitting the snooze for about an hour. But it was my Nu' Yoka' friend! You know those people that can lift your spirits with just a simple conversation? That's my girl. And it's not to say that I was feeling down, hell I was asleep, I was feeling hella good. It's just that it was nice to wake up to a pleasant conversation. Plus I hadn't spoken to her for a minute. After speaking with her I was ready to start my day.

I had planned to go vote first thing in the morning, but by the time I was done with whatever I did this morning it was time to go to work. So, I put off voting till after I got out of work. Not too smart considering everyone else had the same idea. Therefore, I had to wait in line for about 40 minutes. "It's like waiting for a Disneyland ride", I heard an old man say. And it really looked like it too with the line curving its way into the polling place. Then there were all those overworked volunteers running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Why does it always seem like they intentionally try to invoke confusion in the masses? There was a list of names on a table and they kept shouting, "Has everyone in line checked to make sure your name is on the list? If it's not there you need to proceed to the front of the line!" Hell, I felt like saying my name wasn't on there just so that I could proceed to the front of the line, then I could just play it off like, "Oh, my name is bad, where's my ballot?" Everyone in line just kinda looked around at eachother and a few actually staggered over to the list and flipped through the pages in hopes of finding their names. Come on people we're just trying to vote here, not enter Heaven's gates.

So after what seemed like an eternity I was finally handed my ballot. I was at my booth half way through all the measures and city people when a woman and her two small children (a little girl and boy) took position at the booth right next to me. She ordered her children to sit under her booth and shut up. This lady meant business! Out the corner of my eye I could see the two children sitting on the floor and they just looked ancy. It wasn't long before they were smacking eachother. They hit one of the legs on the mother's booth and she quickly squatted under the booth taking a firm grip on the kids arms and scolding them through gritted teeth, "People are trying to vote and you two are being very distracting, now sit there and shut up!" Yeah, okay 'cause you ploppin yourself on the floor like that and manhandeling your children in front of everyone isn't distracting at all. These kids didn't head her warning, 'cause not two minutes later they were taking turns pounding on eachother's backs. They were hitting eachother hard too, I could hear the thump. But these kids must've been used to getting beat down, 'cause they were giggling and telling eachother, "Hit me harder!" The lady was out of there really quick, with both kids in tow. Feel sorry for those kids tonight. As I was leaving the polling place I ran into a friend who of'course asked who I had voted for. Well, I'm tired of the same ol' shit, so I opted for the Giant Douche!

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