Thinking Out Loud

Friday, December 31, 2004

good-bye '04...and good riddance!

This year has brought the end to alot of important things in my life it's only fitting that it too should come to an end. I began this year with a sense of optimism. Looking forward to my final semester of college, enjoying a growing relationship, and a feeling that everything was going to work out great. Well, I was soon snapped back to reality as all I looked forward to began to not work out as planned. My final semester of college had to be extended through the summer, my growing relationship hit a snag and the ex decided to jump ship and suddenly all was not working out so great. I wrapped up college and soon realized that the job outlook for a new engineer in a not so healthy technical economy was not looking so hot. I had hoped to be able to put an end to my broke ass college student career, but that has not been the case. This year has seemed to have flown by and dragged on all at the same time. So many things have happened to me this year that it seems impossible that they have all happened in the span of only one year. If nothing else, it's been a very eventfull year. Alot of which I probably could've done without. But fuck it! That's life, right? Next year will be better to me, because it has to be. I will make it so. I will land that great job, I will finally be able to help out my family, I will know stability, and I will know love once again. Today will be spent on letting go of all ill feelings, all bad memories, all excess baggage I have accumulated over the year, because I refuse to drag it along onto the new year. The new year will be my own with no room for what's in the past. See, I too know what I need to do to make my life easier, better, and it's about damn time I do it. So good-bye '04...and good riddance!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

sudden bout of tourettes

Fuck. Shit. Mother Fucker. Son of a bitch. Stupid fuckin' cock sucking hoe. Dick. Cunt. Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck! Pussy. Hijo de puta. Ass sucking bitch ass trick. Puta madre! Tits. Cock. Pendejo. Pinche. Puto. Suck my dick. Cono. Verga madre. Whore. Chupa farros. Dick head. Vete mucho a chingar a tu madre, hija de verga. Chingate. Wanker. Puta. Bollocks. Bullshit. Mierda. Joder. Cojer. *Deep Breathe* Fuck you, you stupid, mother fuckin', cock sucking, full of shit, bitch ass, tricking, good for fuckin', masterbating, animal raping, sorry as fuck, trick bitch!

*sigh* Now what was I saying?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

the act of...

Eyes shut,
A whispered word,
To break the silence,
Break the tension,
Breathed onto your neck,
Goose bumps,
Down your back,
As your body comes to life,
A warm caress across your face,
A gentle kiss upon supple lips,
Lips exploring,
Traversing your body,
Neck, shoulder,
Nipple, navel,
Weighted breathe,
Heavier and heavier...
Growing tension,
Heavier and heavier...
Loss of reason,
Heavier and heavier until...
--"quiroz" 2004

home sweet home

I was back home this weekend, I really needed that. I had to get away from this place for a bit. I was just stressing over some stupid shit that I really shouldn't be stressing over. All last week I got no sleep. No matter how tired I was, no matter how delirious I got I just tossed and turned all night long. You know those nights when it feels like you have just fallen asleep then your alarm goes off? Well, that was the case for me all last week. I was a walking zombie all day at work. Not good. Especially, when people are asking your advice on how to connect a gas dryer.

Mom Hooked It Up
Back home, though, I was able to get some much needed rest and visit with my family. I'm already looking forward to going back for Christmas. I hadn't planned on going home this weekend. Mo'fo' was broke. However, I spoke with my mom Friday night and she told me that if I went home she would make some Menudo. Now how am I supposed to say no to that? I might be biased, but my mom's Menudo is the best fuckin' Menudo I have ever had, ever! Still, I was a little hesitant about getting my hopes up about actually having Menudo, because my mom has pulled a fast one on me before. One time on a visit home she asked me what I would like for her to make for dinner. I love my moms homemade mole, so that was my choice. All day long I anticipated having mole for dinner. Just thinking of it made my mouth water. That afternoon my sister decided to take my mom shopping. Now, when my mom and my sister get together and say they are going shopping it is over. They are gone all day long. So they returned from their shopping in the evening with some take-out chinese food. Chinese food is not mole. Very dissapointing. So you can imagine my dismay when I arrived home this Saturday night and she hadn't yet bought any of the Menudo ingredients. She usually cooks the meat over night, so I was certain Menudo for Sunday breakfast was out of the question. So much for that, I thought. I awoke Sunday morning and my mom was already cooking her Menudo. We didn't have it for breakfast, but fuck it...Menudo is good any time of day. We ended up having it for a late lunch, then I for a after lunch snack, then again for dinner. Oh man, I ate so much was addicting. I love my momma's Menudo. Delicious! I even had it for breakfast the following day. Mom hooked it up real good.

Watch Out Star Search
I have two Godsons (nephews) and one Goddaughter (niece). This weekend my Godsons showed off their talents for me. My oldest Godson is 7 and he doesn't know embarrassment. This is a kid who for 4th of July, stripped butt-naked for firecrackers. My sister thought it would be funny to see what he would do for a firecracker. Well, he stripped without an ounce of bashfullness so he could run around the yard with his sparklers, butt-naked. Funniest sight in the world. So anyway, he's a dancer. He's always coming up with a new dance and he's never too embarrassed to show it off. Sunday night, he was over my parents house and my sister told him, "Show your nino your new dance mijo." "Okay," he said walking to the middle of the room. All of a sudden, with no music mind you, he busts into an arm flailing, foot shuffling, hip girating, head spinning, cross between break-dancing and epileptic attack routine. "Wow, mijo that's awesome!", I said after his performance. "I have another dance", he said. "Okay, lets see it." LMFAO. The second routine was pretty much the same as the first only with an added spin at the end for added flare. Then of'course to top off his performance he had to do his "sexy" dance. This is his male burlesque, stripper dance, which no one knows where he picked it up from. The kid is 7. So either he is going to be a dancer when he grows up, or he's going to be a "dancer". He's definetely not bashful by any means, so the entertainment biz would suit him fine.

My youngest Godson is four and he's in pre-school. He hated pre-school for the first 6 months of it. He cried every morning and his teacher said he cried most the day, the kid dreaded Mondays. He's a smart boy, though. He talks all kinds and you can't say anything inappropriate around him, 'cause he picks up everything he hears. You can have a full conversation with this kid and wouldn't think that he's only four. By the time he was three he knew how to work his DVD player. I'm talking about changing the TV to the right channel, loading the disk, fast forwarding to his favorite part in the movie or simply skipping to a scene he wanted to show you, rewinding a scene he got a kick out off to watch it over and over again. Smart boy. Anyway, I guess at school he learned a few songs. My mom, after some convincgin eventually got him to sing them for me. This Godson is a bit shy or pretends to be sometimes. But he was belting them songs out eventually. You know once you get them started it's hard for them to stop. He sung his songs and I think might have even made some up off the top of his head. Freestyle. My Goddaughter, she's three, hasn't expressed any entertainment talents yet. But she's a big bully, so I guess she can be their bodyguard.

All in all it was a good visit back home. Awww....home sweet home.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

quote of the day

The impossible is only so if we believe it to be.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

puff, puff, pass...

As I was walking up to my apartment just a bit ago I noticed a guy standing around smoking. Didn't think much of it, but as I passed by him...this mutha' fucka' was straight sparkin' it up like no one's business. What I thought was a cigarette he was sucking on turned out to be a big ol' blunt. I hate the smell of weed, hate makes me sick. Which is probably why I never got into it, 'cause Lord knows it was always readily available in my hometown. But this bitch was just chilling out in the parking lot puffing away leaving a trail of stench as he walked. I'm thinking, where's Twiddle-Dee and Twiddle-Dumb when you need 'em, that's what I call the two security officers that patrol my apartment complex because they're goofy looking mo'fo's. Anyway, I was forced to inhale the foul stench of weed all the way to my door. Luckily for me I was carrying my dinner in my hand, 'cause contact high munchies are a biatch. I was at a Metallica concert once and mutha'fucka' was getting hungry. Seemed like the entire row below me was tokin' it up. Anyway, I'm feeling very relaxed now and I'm about ready for a nap. Should've stopped and kicked it with him for a bit, puff, puff, pass mutha'fucka'!

fuckin' ey, it's raining

Finally, the weather men have guessed it right. After almost a week of expecting rain, it's finally raining. I awoke this morning to the sound of rain drops, so I just lay in bed for awhile relaxing. Then of'course I had to run to the restroom...thought my bladder was going to burst. So I've been sitting at my computer this morning for awhile staring out my window and I swear, Fresno people can't drive for shit! Now add some heavenly water to the road and their shitty driving is just worse. The scary thing is that I'm gonna be heading out to work soon and I'm gonna be on the road with these idiots. Wish me luck.

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Yeah I know I'm just trying to sike myself out.

Monday, December 06, 2004

"don't ask, don't tell"

A lawsuit was filed today challenging the Pentagon's 11 year-old policy against openly gay service members in the military. This "don't ask, don't tell" policy allows gays and lesbians to serve in the military as long as they don't reveal their sexual orientation or engage in homosexual activities. Why? What would be the implications of allowing openly gay service members in our military? Would there really be a loss of comraderie among our service men and women? Would there suddenly be all out sex orgies in the barracks, because everyone knows gays are promiscuous, sex crazed creatures? I hardly doubt that.

Gays have served in our military since it's inception. Some of our Founding Fathers were probably gay. This country's greatness has been built on the blood soaked backs of all the men and women who have laid down their lives for their country. Some of whom, have no doubt been gay. Why then, would someone who has chosen to protect this country be asked to refrain from being who they are? It makes no sense. These men and women are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Would bible-belt America sleep bettter at night knowing that their cozy existence does not lay in the hands of an evil gay? An evil gay, who knowing that back home there are those who despise his/her very existance, yet chooses to lay down his/her life just the same. Where's the fairness in that? Indeed, it does not seem to be fair at all.

After the first Gulf War I remember reading stories of service members' joyful return home from Iraq. There was one story in particular I remember reading that stuck in my mind. It was that of a decorated service member, who happened to be gay. He recalled the joyful celebration at the airport upon their return home. He remembered how his fellow service members all had family and loved ones waiting for them as they entered the gate. All around him there were joyful, tear-filled reunions and there he stood all alone. See, his parents had long passed away. He had no siblings and his only family was his partner of 10 years. However, his partner couldn't meet him at the airport for fear he would be found out and discharged from his hard-earned career. What a slap in the face that must be. To serve your country, put your life on the line, kill for your country...come home and not be able to have the person you love rejoice in your return amongst those you served with.

This policy seems outdated and is definetly filled with prejudice. There are so many issues facing this country today, that weather or not there are openly gay service members in our military should be a non-issue. With the lack of interest to volunteer for our military, you'd think they would be thinking up of ways to attract people into service, not bar them from it.

p.m.s. without the mess

Okay, so I used to think that it was just me going through some weird ass emotional roller-coaster lately, but I'm realizing I'm not alone. I've spoken to quite a few male friends lately and they have all expressed the same feelings. I don't know what it is. Could it be the weather? Could it be the time change? Or maybe just the winter blues? Maybe it is a stealth conspiracy females have conjured up to make us a little more sensitive.

Whatever it is I don't like it, not one bit. I mean it's not to say that I'm like most males, closed off to expressing my emotions. Because most of the time I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's just that most of the time I'm pretty capable of keeping my emotions in check. However, as of late that has not been the case. Even a menial task as watching TV will get me experiencing the full gamut of emotions in one sitting. I laugh, I cry (okay not really, I'm not a big crier, but that knot in my throat forms), I get angry, get irate...and at stupid shit. I'm like, ..."fuckin', what gives?!" "I wish I could just bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we could all just be happy." (Mean Girls)

I know it is not any one thing that is getting me down, I have pretty much dealt with whatever shit has been thrown at me as of late, but I know I'm not happy. I'm not depressed, that's not it. I know depression, we were tight back in the day. I'm just not happy, I mean content. I want much more than what I have right now, but I feel as though I'm at a stand still. And by more I don't mean material shit, that comes and goes. I mean I want more in my life...a real job, stability, to be able to help out my family, someone to know contentment. Contentment of the mind, body, and soul. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Hell, I don't know maybe I'm just not ready for all that right now. I tell you what I am ready for right now though, a big ass tall glass of beer! That would sure hit the spot. Maybe I'll find contentment at the bottom of that empty glass. No, I suppose then I'd just turn into a full blown alcoholic searching for contentment at the bottom of every glass. I don't know...and I'm tired of not knowing. Seems like lately I don't know shit. All I know is that lately I've been experiencing this thing that resembles p.m.s., that is without the bloating and bleeding, but still not pleasant. Can you imagine if we guys did have to go through the whole p.m.s. experience? We are such babies when we're sick that a monthly episode would have us begging for a quick death.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

four-ways and a christmas tree

This afternoon in the small town I work in there was a great celebration. Today was the annual Christmas tree lighting event. As an act of cruelty by the event coordinators they decided to set up the festivities right outside the store I happen to work at. The city closed off the street to traffic and there were food, crafts, and crap vendors lining the street. I felt like a grounded child forced to watch everyone else have fun from my window. Everyone outside seemed to be in high spirits as they awaited nightfall and the lighting of the big ass Christmas tree in the middle of the intersection. Okay, so I can get into the whole Christmas spirit thing, it is my favorite holiday out of the year, but sometimes you just have to be practical. The city is a small city with a population of only 4,000 or so. Their "downtown" area is about two blocks along the main street in the middle of town. Well, aparently every year they place this enormous Christmas tree smack dab in the middle of downtown's four-way stop. It is one lane either way and no center divider. So you literally have to round this huge tree to cross the intersection. Not very practical. Now granted it is a great photo op at night time, what with the old style downtown street lamps and a huge Christmass tree at the very center. But come on. Still, I can appreciate a small community coming together for an event everyone can partake in. Well, except those who don't celebrate Christmas. Never would you find such a community organized event going on in my raggety, old, small hometown. It was a good time had by all, all except I who was holed up at work forced to watch from the side lines. Eventually Santa Claus made his grand entrance into the festival atop a grand bright red sleigh, well okay...a bright red fire engine. The fire department just got a brand new fire engine, so they take advantage of every little opportunity to show it off. After work, I had planned to stick around to actually see the lighting of the Christmas tree, but it was fuckin' cold outside, and my boss man was under the assumption that since I had not gone home I was still working, so as to not be put to work I opted to head on home.

potty mouthed julia

I watched Closer tonight. Wow! Hearing Julia Roberts explicitly talk about sex was weird. Excuse me, he put it where and he did what down there and you did what two times? Somewhere in a port bar a few drunken sailors blushed. I mean Julia Roberts! Miss Pretty Woman for pete's sake. Definetely not the warm, fuzzy Mona Lisa Smile feelings here. I have to admit, the main reason why I wanted to watch this movie was Julia Roberts. I have a thing for Julia, I'll watch anything with her in it. I just think she's awesome and beautiful to boot. It was great to see her do something completely different from what we're used to seeing from her. In this movie she's not the shy, quirky, friendly, everyone loves me girl. No, not by any means. In this film she's deceitful, unfaithful, raw.

So, if you are like most people you are probably thinking, "What fuckin' movie is this fucker talking about?" Again the title is Closer. The Real love. Not the usual kind of love you find in movies. Not the kind of love that makes you want to be in love. Not the kind of love that makes you envious. No, it's the kind of love that makes you uncomfortable it's so real. Happiness. Lies. Boredom. Cheating. Guilt. Anger. Hurt. Lust. Loss. You know that kind of love. I don't recommend it to anyone who has ever been done wrong in a relationship, because I can imagine it would be quite biting. I also wouldn't recommend it as a date movie, definetely not. That is unless you guys are willing to uncomfortably sit through a rather long and explicit internet chat session scene, which pretty much lays out how we guys really think. Still, I think it was a great movie. But I'm biased. I enjoy movies that deal with the raw human condition, very thought provoking. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy explosions, car chases, and steamy love scenes too...I am a guy. It is good to exercise the brain at the movies sometimes too, that's all. Just a side note; this movie's explicitness is in it's language. Thought I would throw that in there, just so that no one would read this and excitedly run out to watch this movie expecting to see a porn flick, 'cause they'd be sadly dissapointed. Although, there were a couple scenes at a strip joint with the requisite topless shots. This movie was all dialogue, but real biting honest dialogue. Two thumbs up, definetely for me.

Weblog Commenting and Trackback by