"what do you want?"

A while back my roomie asked me, "what do you want?" Just in general, what I wanted. I blew off the question, because I didn't want to answer it just then. Besides, no one had ever asked me that, so really I couldn't formulate an adequate response just then. What do I want...? That's a loaded question, isn't it? I want for a lot of things, which makes me wonder just how much my life is really lacking.

I want to have a closer, honest, and open relationship with my family. My family is close knit. We look out for eachother. We have always been there for eachother no matter what. We've had our fair share of drama, true, but we remain very close. Still, I can't help but feel like my family doesn't know me. As a child I was always the quiet one, the well behaved one, the exemplary kid. Pretty much the kid that if you were a bad ass, you hated. It wasn't by choice that I was like that, though. I didn't set out to be the good kid, it's just that I thought that's what was expected of me. As a consequence, I was always the invisible kid. The kid who often went overlooked. I was never truly that kid, though. It was an act. An act I put on for my family, because that's what they expected of me. So, it's that same act that I find myself to this day still putting on when at home. My family thinks that I'm this serious person, uptight I suppose. When that couldn't be further from the truth. When around friends, I'm not very shy...actually not shy at all. Never have been...around friends. Yet when I'm at home, I still feel like it's expected of me and it frustrates me, because that's not who I am at all. If I talk shit at home, people are shocked that I have a sense of humor. And that really gets under my skin. I'd like for them to know how I truly am, but for some reason it's just difficult to break out of that tightly sealed shell.

I want to have a permanent job. I'm tired of the uncertainty of my financial standing. Currently I am employed on a temporary basis with an option to become permanent in July. Of course I'd have to reapply for my position and compete against, from what I can gather, some people who are VERY interested in my position and have years of experience on me. It would be nice to be certain of my employment status so that maybe I could start making some financial plans for the future. However, it's hard to do so when I don't know if I'll be looking for a job again come July.

I want to be okay with myself and by myself. Not to say I don't like myself. I rather enjoy my company, but there are some aspects of my personality that I suppose could use some tweaking. I'd like for my happiness to not depend on someone else. True, no one can truly be happy alone, but I'd like for me to be somewhat happy by myself. It's just this stupid notion that I have conjured up that the "right" person will come along and complete me. So far that hasn't been the case. Don't get me wrong, I've been in love and deeply in love. However, I don't think I've truly met the right person for me.

Finally, I want to meet the one person I can share my life with. The one person who will not be afraid of letting their guard down with me. And likewise the person I will not be afraid of letting my guard down around. I have so much to offer that person. At the risk of sounding conceded, I am a great person! I truly am, because I strive to be. When I love, I love whole heartedly and loyally. The person I seek should not be freightened away by that. On the contrary, the person I seek will love me more because of it. Is it a fantasy? Maybe, but if I never set out to find that one, then I'll never know.

This is what I want, then I'll be happy. This is all I ask for. It's not unreasonable.

What do you want?