Thinking Out Loud

Friday, April 29, 2005

have a great weekend!

Aight all...have a fuckin' fantabulous weekend. Get your drink on, your dance on, your freak on...but be safe! If you're having fun take pics.

oh...the gays

It never ceases to amaze me how many characters you can find at the local gay club. Last night was "Latin Night" and the club was hoppin'. You run the full spectrum of gaydom at this place. From the flamin' queens straight on through to the hardcore, semi-closeted, gangsta' gays. You have the lone middle-aged white man sitting at the end of the bar gauking at all the little latino boys. The couple of guys who apparently flipped through the latest issue of Details, GQ, In Style, or Latina magazine for inspiration for their "outfit". There's the grey haired rico, suave latin man on the prowl. The little, cute, spiky haired lesbian weaving through the crowd with pitcher of beer in tow. The big, manly, butch, can probably kick my ass lesbian. The oh so hot, cleavage baring, beautiful, can make a gay guy sport a chubby, lipstick lesbian. The paranoid, uh...this is my first time at a gay club, I hope I don't run into anyone I know, questioning gay guy. The hanging on to the girlfriend for dear life straight guy. Of course, the I'm only here for the music deeply closeted gay guy. The, is that a male or female? The, that's a fugly ass male/female...who is he kidding? Full spectrum I tell ya...people watching here is priceless. There's weaves and wigs, low riding jeans, hip hugging jeans, skirts and thongs, bearded women, lee press on claws, sneakers, shoes, high heals, clogs, see through shit, painted on shit, army fatigues, leather and chains, body jewelery, body glitter, fake eyelashes, all kinds of shit. All good fun.

Last night also happened to be "Madonna Madness". Woo Hoo! OMG...some of these fuckers love them some Madonna or Madge or Mo....whatever the fuck, I call her whore. But they had a midnight show of Madonna impersonators...funny ass fuckin' shit! My friend and I were laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. I gotta give these guys props though, they really got into character. I think that made it oh so much funnier, to see that they appeared to be channeling Madonna. They performed Like a Prayer, Material Girl, and some of her new shit I've never heard before. The last performer took the cake though, literally...I think she must've inhaled an entire cake just before her performance. It was a sight for sore eyes, her performance was. Her belly was hanging over her tight leather pants and her belly button appeared to be screaming a big silent "Oh!". Good times, good times.

Oh yeah! Guess there's a new gay anthem at the club, 'cause as soon as the beat started the crowd went wild, I just covered my ears and made a bee-line straight for the outdoors, 'cause guess what it was.... "Uhuh, that's my shit. All my girls stomp your feet like this." Nooo!

After the Madonna show, I had had all the excitement I could handle for one night and so I headed on home. Oh...the gays, so much fun.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

my new little toy

Nokia 6230
I finally broke down and got myself a new phone. My old phone was just...well, old. It was pissing me off all the time and I've had it for about 3 yrs. now so I figured it was about time to upgrade. Being the Nokia whore that I am, I had held out for this particular phone to come out, so I'm happy. Still haven't had the chance to fully fuck around with it, but I can take pictures and record video, which I could think of a few instance where that might come in handy. *wink, wink*

And plus it's Bluetooth capable, so who knows it might also get hacked into and all my dirty pics and videos will get plastered all over the web. Or maybe I'll just do that myself just for the hell of it.

the 7th happiest place on earth!

I nearly fell off my fucking rocker! Are you kidding me the 7th happiest city in the nation?! Well...goes to show, what the fuck do I know. I knew I liked living here, though sometimes I just need to get the fuck out.

Monday, April 25, 2005

what she smokin'...?

Okay, I'm a No Doubt fan. I think Gwen is hot! I dug her first two solo singles...I know, I know that's gay, but that's besides the point. And I can respect the fact that she has to be different from everyone else, I suppose in her profession you have to be.

But did she just go retarded all of a sudden?! I mean, what the fuck is up with her Harijuku girls...I read somewhere that it's in their contract that they are not allowed to speak english in her presence. This girl can sing, she's definetely unique, she's hot, she doesn't need a fuckin' gimick. She has something most pop stars lack...talent. And now her latest single is in heavy, HEAVY rotation on the radio and it's just so fuckin' stupid! I tried to like it, I really did, but it's just not happenin' for me. "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" WTF?! I'll have to call up my friend from back home and give her shit for that one. The first time I heard that song I thought it was the stupidest shit. A couple days later I call up this friend from back home who swears she's the biggest No Doubt fan and what song is playing on her voicemail? Yeup, this stupid ass song. I don't know what Gwen is smoking, but I she's able to quit that shit soon. OR maybe I need to start smoking whatever she is so that I can tolerate this shit.

Friday, April 22, 2005

helpful office assistant

A friend sent me this via email, thought I'd share.

Gotta love that little paper clip...he thinks of everything.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

i'd make a killin'

For the past month or so I have been feeling as giddy as a fuckin' school girl. I can't explain it. I hadn't even realized it until a friend pointed it out to me. She had asked why I was all smiles and happy. If you are one of the few brave folks who regularly read my shit you had probably noticed that I had been down for so long, it seemed like. I don't know what turn of events have brought this new found feeling on, but fuck I'm running with it. I'm not going to question it, 'cause I've needed this for sooooo damn long.

You don't understand. It had gotten to the point where I would wake up each morning and be like, ah fuck another day. And I hated that I was like that. I felt as though I was bringing people down around me and it irked me. Now, I wish I could rub some of what I feel off on those around me. It's like a natural high and I just want to share it with those I care for and know are feeling kind of how I used to feel. I had been afraid to mention it before for fear that I'd jinx myself. I had had brief periods of this euphoric feeling before, but I've been riding this high for about a month now. I'm hoping it isn't a phase. I had posted before on what I want and it seems that I have one down and about three to go. For now, it would appear I'm finally happy with myself and by myself.

And if I could bottle up and sell the excitement, unexplainable happiness, and enjoyment I have been feeling for the past month...I'd make a killin'!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

sluggish hump day

Me this morning...and still this afternoon

Monday, April 18, 2005

words of wisdom...

"Our Lives Begin to End the Day We Become Silent About the Things That Matter."
--Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friday, April 15, 2005

taking her out for a spin

Yet another example of why the elderly should be required to hang up their keys for good. I'm sure it's happened to many of you before, where you're driving behind an ancient driver and all of a sudden they will do something stupid on the road. Then they have the nerve to wave it off as if saying, "Oops, it's because I'm old." Exactly, all the more reason you should be driving a scooter rather and than your huge Buick or Cadilac.

Like that old man a few years back that plowed through a crowded farmers market in L.A., killed a woman and injured countless others. Then he's on the news as he's being released from jail later that afternoon with a huge embarrassed smile on his face for the news camera. What the fuck?! He's had just killed a woman and there he was a few hours later on his way home.

After a certain age the only thing the elderly should be driving is driving their caretakers crazy with their griping.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

on my procrastination

While I was going to school, I somehow managed to become the biggest procrastinator. There was no assignment too big or too small that I couldn't manage to put off till the last minute. There was just always something else I would rather be doing -- something on TV, someone to talk to, or sleep with (j/k), somewhere to go...hell, anything other than what I was supposed to be doing. I think that is how I brought on a great deal of my own stress as a student. Procrastination is the devil! As a result, though, I never fully enjoyed any activity I opted for instead of the task at hand. Kind of ironic. That overwhelming feeling -- you know, that combination of guilt and fear always weighed heavily on my mind. That's my damned conscience for you.

You would think that the lessons of my youth would serve some purpose now that I am older. However, that is not the case. That's why I found myself last night at the local Best Buy purusing the available tax return software. And that's why I was up till 1:30 this morning completing my taxes, when my W-2 forms had just been sitting on my desk for months. But as I was having dinner last night I realized the deadline is this Friday, well tomorrow, so I figured I'd better get on it. The cashier at the store metioned he hadn't done his taxes either, and that should have made me feel more at ease. And I guess it would have, had he not been just a couple days passed his 16th birthday. He seemed very pre-pubescent...18, at most. Somehow I felt a tad bit ashamed I was on the same boat as this kid. I should have my shit together, shouldn't I? I mean, fuck, I'm twenty-something now! I should have already spent my tax return. I guess now I have something to look forward to. I know I have a check due me sometime soon. Yay! Or as Special Ed would say, "Yaaaaaay......!!!"

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

in my haste

I had gotten used to wearing no hair and so I had kept it that way for a long time. Then after my college graduation I decided to let it grow out, thinking it would be more professional-like. So, up until recently I had my little hairdo, but was growing really tired of it. I decided that when the weather warmed up I would shave my hair off again. Therefore, I waited and waited for a small semblence of spring warmth. When we got a few consecutive warm days I jumped the gun and shaved my head, breathing a sigh of relief.

Only lately the weather's been tricky and it's cold as fuck in the morning and warm in the afternoon. This morning, for instance, I walk out my apartment and it's hella windy and cold! Where did I feel that coldness first? Yes, my bare head. And fuck me if I can't seem to find any of my damned beanies. I must've given them all away. Of course it being spring time, no damned store has beanies out anymore.

So it would appear that in my haste, I have done fucked up!

Monday, April 11, 2005

curse you allergies!

I went home to visit my folks this weekend and I was greeted with really bad allergies. Damn it! I was fine here in Fresno before I left Saturday afternoon, but once I got to my folks - my nose was runny, my eyes were watery and itchy, and my nose felt like it was on fire.

Damn it! Fuck it all to hell! The majority of Saturday evening was spent squinting my hurtin' eyes and sneezing. Sunday was no better. My brother hooked me up with some Tylenol Severe Allergies, but that shit didn't do anything for me. I didn't even spend much time with my family, 'cause I had to keep running to the room for quick naps, my eyes were hurting so bad.

Today, I feel a little better. My sinus' still feel a little sore, but at least my eyes aren't itching and my nose isn't runny. I do feel hella sleepy, though. Of course it doesn't help that I went out for a few drinks last night and stayed out late. I didn't wake up with a hangover, but I do feel hella sleepy!

I just wanna go home and sleep.....

Thursday, April 07, 2005

this one's dedicated to the one

A merry little song for the FCC.

*Disclaimer: might be inappropriate to listen to at work. So lower the volume, or tell the boss, "Fuck you very much."

mother nature is a ragin' lunatic!

For the past few days the weather here in Fresno had been beautiful. Almost as though the Southern Cali weather had followed me home. But damn it if I don't wake up this morning and it's cloudy, windy, and cold outside. What the fuck?!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

save yo' drama fo' yo' momma!

My work cell was blowing up this morning before I even got to work, so I knew it was going to be a fun day. Once at work, I didn't even get a chance to get to my office before I was spotted in the hallway and quickly was bombarded by a million questions and work requests. God damn it! I just got here, let me clear my eye crusties before you give me your bitchin'!

I got right to work, knocking two work requests out right off the bat. While I was finishing up the third work request a user (Sandy), a chairwoman for one of my departments, walked up to me requesting a word. She seemed a bit heated. Apparently, she was having an issue with an administrative assitant (Betty) from another department not wanting to divulge the password for some computer system I had set up. She wanted me to give her the password or login for her at that workstation. I wasn't aware that the workstation was a shared computer and that she should have access to it. We talked to my supervisor (Bill) and he agreed to have me login for her so that she could have access to it. Whatever, lady drama.

I walked over with her to the workstation and was about to log her on when that administrative assistant came over in a rage wanting to know what the hell we were doing.

"I'm going to log her on to the computer." Not really thinking much of it.

"Why?! I already told her she couldn't use it!" Talking to me about Sandy as though she weren't standing right next to me.

"Betty, we talked to Bill and he okay'd him to log me in." Cockin' her head with full on attitude.

"Well I don't know why the hell you had to go talk to Bill about it when I had already told you, no!" Sounding like a five year old.

Easy there granny no need to get your diaper all in a twist. Betty is an older lady, probably mid to late fifties. She always seemed so...sedated, so it was kind of weird to see her acting up like this. I figured she had just forgotten to take her meds. Whatever it was, I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.

"Betty, why are you being such a bitch? It's a shared computer." Sandy trying to sound as condescending as possible and succeeding quite admirably.

"Don't take that tone with me young lady!" Reaching out and slapping Sandy across the face.

What the fuck?! Oh hell naw...that shit was funny as hell. I'm thinking, did she just slap her? Crazy! Sandy's left cheek was bright red and the tears had started to form in her eye from the sting. Now that was a bitch slap if I ever saw one. At this point I'm thinking, do I say something, do I go call for back! Next thing I know Sandy shoves Betty as hard as she can sending her flying across the room, arms flailing, glasses flying across the table as she lets out a surprised shriek and lands on a chair.

I'm just standing there stunned, not quite sure what to do. I'm trying my hardest to keep a straight face, 'cause the old lady flying across the room was hilarious! All this is going on in a little conference room, where it's just us three and the door is closed. No one outside can see any of this.

"Okay, everyone calm down." I urge as Betty surprisingly sprung to her feet and rushed toward Sandy. By then they're going at it. Slapping eachother, calling names. My heart was racing. Suddenly I was reminded of a good old-fashioned high school cat fight. Pull off her shirt, pull off her shirt...I mean lift up her skirt, lift up her skirt! Then I remembered they'd be old shriveled breasts...*chills*. They're now rolling around on the floor and I say, okay fuck this.

I turn to leave the room to get some help when all of a sudden I feel someone tugging at my leg. What the fuck?! I look down and it's Sandy grabbing on to my leg trying to prevent me from leaving the room. Fuckin' great! I'm shaking my leg trying to break free, still not believing this shit is happening. But she just keeps pulling on my leg, pulling on my leg...kind of like I'm pulling yours. they didn't fight. But they did have a little unfriendly exchange of words. My story was a bit more exciting though.

i read my first chapter...woohoo!

Words cannot begin to convey the utter joy that I felt hearing my name called, then proudly walking across that stage after receiving my empty diploma case. A closure to those passed seven years of higher education. No more books! No more tests! No more class! Hell fuckin' yeah!!!

That sheer joy was short lived, though. See with every day that passed I felt less and less productive. Months passed and I had not so much as picked up a book. In fact I hadn't read a book, just for fun, in ages. Maybe even since high school. While I was in college I never read. Well, of course I read while taking my general education courses, but after that it was just skimming. Technical degrees don't require much reading. Most of it was math, physics and applying that to the world around. Never reading, per se, and definetely not fun reading.

So I told myself a while back, self, your bitch ass needs to start reading're getting dumber every day. We cool like that, so I can call myself a bitch. However, every trip to the bookstore left me dumbfounded. I mean, there are just so many books at these book stores. How is such an indecisive person as myself supposed to make a decision? Needless to say every trip to the bookstore was a lost cause. I would return home empty handed, feeling defeated once again. Fiction, non-fiction, biographies, autobiographies, classics, suspence, thrillers, suspence-thrillers, hobbies, humor, cultures, history, it's just mind numbing! It is like dragging an alcoholic to a liquor store and making him choose only one bottle in the entire store.

Last week, though, I went to the bookstore on a wim to try to find the Frank Miller Sin City graphic novels the movie is based on. However, they only had one and if ordered the other two wouldn't be in before I was to watch the movie. So I said, fuck it. Since I was there I thought I'd make an effort to look for a book to start reading. I wandered around like a lost child feeling overwhelmed with the cases and cases of books. Some authors were familiar, some were not. Feeling the urge to give up again I just about ran out of the store, but I contained my anxiety and trugged along. I came upon a section of Dean Koontz' books. I had read a book of his, Mr. Murder, when I was younger and I remembered how I had gotten so into it. Searching through his many titles I decided to go with Intensity. From the blurbs it promised to be "a very electrifying read", "his best work yet!", "another masterpiece from the master". I mean how could you pass on a book so highly recommended? Of course, his other titles had very similar if not exactly the same blurbs, so how could I miss really?

Proudly I brought the book home, feeling as though I had achieved an enormous step in my quest to start reading again. I placed it on my desk where it sat for nearly a week as I was too busy goofing off online, watching television, partying it up in So Cal. Last night, however, as I was flipping through the channels bored out of my mind I thought, what the fuck? So I picked up the book, sat and began reading. Wow, it was like riding a bike...I hadn't forgotten how to do it. I devoured page after page until the first chapter was done. Had I not been so tired I would have continued. All in moderation, though. I am just glad that I was able to get through that first chapter. And what a first chapter it was, that Koontz fella is good.

Monday, April 04, 2005

no laughing matter

As most of you I'm sure already know, the Pope has died. For those of you who have been under a rock this weekend, he now you're in the know. Admittedly, I was unaware of this until last night when my roomie, the hobagg, pointed it out to me.

"Did you know the Pope died?", he asked.
"No, I didn't. When did this happen?"
"Saturday." Looking at me with a grin on his face. that a joke? A late April fools perhaps? He just stared at me with this grin on his face. Am I supposed to say something...? Apparently, he was expecting me to have some smart ass, sarcastic, or cynical comment to make. Perhaps with our devout Catholic friend there he was trying to set me up to say something stupid in his presence, but I didn't think it was a laughing matter.

See, among my friends...I'm the atheist. Not because I don't believe in God, but because I don't believe in the church. I have my reasons, which I won't go into here. I don't have time to write that novel. But most my friends are devout Catholics, in that they observe lent, go to church...on holidays, and well they're Catholic. I do have a couple friends that go to church on a regular basis, are in the know about the church, observe all holidays, drink the wine, eat the know, all that stuff. Sure they've faltered here and there, but they confess, so they're squared away...right?.

In any case, while I might not agree with a lot of the church's beliefs and teachings, I do respect them. You have your beliefs, I have my beliefs. We can agree to disagree, just do not try to tell me my beliefs are wrong. Do not tell me that because I do not believe what you believe, I will not be "saved" and am condemned to hell. Do not tell me about, 'he who is free of sin cast the first stone', then turn around and judge and sentence me to an eternal vacation of fire and brimstone. Over the years, I have become a bit cynical about religion, true. I guess I have just never had that requisite blind faith. I question everything, it is in my nature.

So the Pope has passed. Am I elated? No. Am I in mourning? No. I simply respect the passing of a figure loved by many...and no, it is no laughing matter.

Friday, April 01, 2005

hurray, it's the weekend!

I'm counting down the minutes until my weekend officially starts. Today has been non-stop at work, fuckin' nuts! It was good though, because the day just flew by. I figured the day would just drag on since I would be excitedly awaiting 5 o'clock so I can begin my trek down south to Long Beach. Luckily, that wasn't the case. Oh man, it's going to be nice to get out of town again for the weekend. And this time alone. Some people don't like driving long distance alone, but I love it. It's about a 3 1/2 hour drive to Long Beach from here. So I get a lot of thinking done, get to sing as loud as I want, can space out without having to worry about making conversation with anyone, but myself. I'm looking forward to going to the beach and just taking in the sun and the people watching. But first things first, I'm going to drag my friend to the local Long Beach cineplex to watch Sin City. Then it's let the so cal partying begin, I hope.

Well, hope everyone has a good, safe and sane...well, a good and safe weekend. Be good or be good at it!

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