Thinking Out Loud

Friday, July 29, 2005

warm summer night

It was a soft whimpering that slowing tore me from a deep sleep. Sleepily I laid in bed half awake half asleep, listening. Nothing. I reached for my old cell phone, who's sole purpose now is to be my alarm clock. My eyes strained to focus as I checked the time. 3:33 am. What the fuck? I laid there motionless feeling a little sticky as the summer night's heat had apparently caused me to break a sweat as I slept. I quickly turned onto my back as to allow my oscillating fan to cool me down. I laid that way, spread-eagle, for a few minutes before I began to doze off again.

Just as I was drifting back into sleep I heard it again. A soft whimpering. At a distance at first, but as I slowly came to it seemed closer. I sat up and scooted over to the edge of my bed. There it was again. At first I thought it was coming from my roommate's room, but as it grew louder I realized it was coming from outside my window. During the summer months I tend to leave my window open to allow for a little breeze into my room. My window just so happens to be facing a busy intersection and is only a few feet away from the sidewalk, so I am used to hearing people walking by at all hours of the night. This whimpering, however, seemed to be coming from right outside my window. As I sat at my bed I found it a bit odd that someone would be standing outside my window as there is a bit of lawn and some ivy ground covering just outside my window so it is not easily accessible from the sidewalk. Besides the noise of someone stepping through the ground covering would surely have woken me up. Yet there it was seemingly right outside my window, a constant whimpering. I debated for a second whether to investigate the matter. Fully awake then, I stood up from my bed and slowly approached the window so as to make no noise. As I crossed the bedroom and neared the window I realized someone was definitely standing just outside. The soft moonlight projected a shadow onto my drawn blinds. As I reached the window the whimpering suddenly stopped. I stood still, frozen - listening. Seconds later the whimpering continued.

I stood at my window for a long time trying to work up the courage to peer through the blinds. A knot formed in my stomach as the whimpering increasingly became more desperate. I could tell it was a woman and it seemed she was in quite some pain. Suddenly images of "La Llorona", an old Mexican folk story shared with children to scare them, ran through my head. I imagined pulling open the blinds and staring into a demon face. A pair of red eyes. Hell, even the thought of staring into some deranged woman's face standing right on the other side of the window screen sent chills down my spine. As all these images raced through my head I just stood there not quite sure what to do. After a few moments I decided to bite the bullet and take a peek. I put my ear to the wall just to the left of the window so that I could steal a quick peek through the side of the blinds. All I could see was a black figure standing there. My heart began to race as I realized the person was pressed up against the window screen. The incessant whimpering was really freaking me out. Slowly I put a finger on one of the blind slats. I took a deep breath half expecting a hand to reach through the window screen and take a hold of my hand. I held my finger there for what seemed like an eternity as I worked up the courage to pull the slat down. I felt her warm breath brush passed my finger and I quickly drew it back a little startled. I could hear the breathing get a little heavier as she was now sobbing. I mustered as much courage as I could and finally just pulled a few slats down. I just stood there unable to move and staring right into the warm dark night. There was nothing. No ghoulish figure on the other side of the window, no red eyes, no woman. Slowly I leaned in closer to the window to peer outside. As my eyes frantically surveyed the street there she was sitting calmly on the bus stop bench under the street lamp across the street. She wore a black dress and a black shawl pulled over her head. Her pale face peered from under her shawl and she appeared to be staring straight at me. I pulled my hand back and the blind slats snapped back into position.

My mind was racing. What the fuck?! Was my only clear thought. It couldn't be her. How the hell could she have crossed the street so fast? I quickly pulled the blind slats down again and she was gone. I looked up and down the street but there was no sign of her. Just then I felt was faint at first, I hardly noticed it. As I focused, I realized it was someone's breath on the back of my neck as if someone looming over my shoulder. Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood tall and at attention. I could feel someone's presence inches from my back. My stomach dropped, my groin tensed up and I jumped forward and spun around. My eyes strained to again become accustomed to the dark room and once they did there was nothing. I frantically surveyed my room, but I was alone. My heart was racing a million miles a minute and I realized I was all tensed up. I caught my reflection in the mirror from across the room and realized how silly I looked. Slowly I began to relax as I walked back to my bed. I jumped into my bed and as I pulled the sheet over me I felt someone grab my leg from the foot of my bed. Just then I jumped up from my dream.

I had been sleeping. My heart was racing and I was covered in sweat. I quickly drew the sheet over me and scooted over to the wall making sure my feet were nowhere near the foot of the bed. I just laid there trying to regain my bearings and convince myself that it was just a dream. It felt so real, but it was just a dream.

gym rat, gym rat...hoochie mama!

It's been a whole 3 weeks since I have started hitting the gym. Now, I know you won't see results right away, but fuck me! I certainly haven't lost any weight. Well not any significant amount to speak of. I could easily lose interest, but fuck I paid nearly $300 for my year membership I'm gonna put it to use. Also, I remember last year when I was walking/jogging everyday I didn't see results for a long time and actually it was other people who noticed the results before I did. I guess since I see myself everyday I don't really notice small changes as much as people who don't see me on a regular basis. I'm hoping that's the case now as well.

I have been good at going at least 3 times a week. I have not really settled into a routine just yet. I'm trying to get a feel for when my workouts would be more productive. I've been in during the afternoon, late afternoon, and evening. So far I think my afternoon workouts are working out better for me. It used to be that as soon as I got home from work at about 3:30 I would go straight for a two hour nap, yes a two hour nap! That really didn't help, 'cause for some reason it only made me feel even more tired and I had a hard time sleeping at night. Lately I have forced myself to go to the gym right after work so as to cut out my nap from my routine. Once I get to the gym and start getting my heart pumping I start getting into it and by the time I'm done with the weight lifting part of my session I'm all pumped and ready to continue my day. At night, when I used to lay in bed and toss 'n turn for a couple hours before actually falling asleep, I'm now out like a light usually as soon as my head hits the pillow. So I guess in that respect I'm seeing results. Now I need to work on getting to bed a little earlier to get at least 7 hours of solid sleep as opposed to my 5 hours I'm getting now.

Also recently, I was offered the permanent position for my job, which I quickly accepted of'course. Oh yeah, I guess I haven't posted about that either. I have a permanent job now! With full benefits! A good thing too, 'cause I really need to go see a doctor AND a dentist. Funny thing is that I'm actually looking forward to seeing a dentist. Anyway, that was a tangent...I mention it only because lately I've been feeling a little light-headed throughtout the day. It began before I started working out, so I know that's not the cause. I'm hoping to be able to put my benefits to use and see a doctor about that soon. I don't want it to affect my being able to workout. I don't want to pass out at the gym or anything...THAT would suck a fat one.

Anyway, my aspirations are to eventually become a gym rat. Okay, maybe not that extreme...but I'd like to be able to make going to the gym part of my everyday routine. Well, I guess that would make me a gym rat wouldn't it? It's funny while I'm at the gym to pick out those few who go there religiously. They're easy to spot...they're the ones who's entire workout session takes place in front of the mirror. I guess it helps to get the kinestetics of the exercise down, but there are some people who make a grand performance out of it. Making a lot of noise while moving equipment about as to make sure they get others' attention. Then there's the occasional, I must admit rare, hot chick who's obviously there to get some attention, not so much to work out. She's the hoochie mama, making sure her hair is always in place even while walking semi-briskly on the treadmill. Constantly dabbing at her face with her towel as to not show that she's perspiring. I guess it could be worse...she could be working out with a face full of makeup, that would be a sight.

I'm starting to like this gym thing. The only hard part about it is forcing myself to get there, 'cause once I'm there I'm in the zone...along with all the gym rats and the hoochie mama.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

horsing around during the eulogy

I'd hate to be the one giving this guys eulogy. Can you imagine?

Joe Schmo loved animals very much. *snicker* He could spend hours on the farm just "horsing around" with his favorite buckin' bronco. He loved to ride bareback and could ride for hours. *smirk* He kept his horses big and strong in order for them to keep up with his "riding" habits. We will all miss him dearly, but not as much as his pets will. I hope he is riding into the sunset in that great green pasture in the sky.
So how did your dad pass away? What an awkward question that would be to answer.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

ghost town

Life has long abandoned this town I once called home,
Now forgotten dreams roam its empty streets,
Dreams that once shown bright and full of promise,
Now litter the gutters and choke the very water ways that once brought life,
Those who knew better fled this abyss,
An exodus of higher learning, higher earning,
Yet for those less fortunate,
Their own forgotten dreams now roam among them, taunting them,
Dreams of a life on stage - actor, actress, ballet dancer, performer,
Dreams of being a doctor, a lawyer, a chief executive officer,
Dreams of being President,
Dreams of being a fireman, a cop, a prince, a princess,
Dreams that have died a horrible death giving way to the nightmares of reality,
A reality that drives many to a potent inhilation,
Intravenous subjugation,
To escape this lifeless obligation,
Of a life null of reason or motivation,
And the ones I love the most,
Call it home, this town of ghosts,
So I keep hope alive,
That soon there will breathe new life,
In this ghost town I once called home.
--"quiroz" 2005

it's hot out in this biatch!

We are smack dab in the middle of a fuckin' heatwave! Aaarrrrggg! Have I mentioned how much I hate the heat? I hate it with a passion! I become very irritable when it's hot out. I can take a mild heat, hell I grew up here in the infamous San Joaquin Valley. It's just that when temperatures soar in the triple digits I am not a happy camper. All day I have to be walking around all sweaty balls and shit. That's not cool. Maybe I can outfit myself in a pair of assless chaps. Let the boys frolick freely in the open air. Gah! That's an ugly sight. Maybe I can stuff a bag of frozen veggies down my pants. No, I'd probably get accused of trying to stuff my bulge...don't want that reputation. Fuck, there really isn't much you can do to get comfortable in this fuckin' heat! What's that? Take a dip in the pool you say? Ha! I tried that shit Sunday evening and the water in the pool was hotter than the warm breeze. For a minute there I thought I had just jumped in to a jacuzzi. That was nasty! Sweating while you're swimming...not cool! We had been pampered too up until this month. Late June was still nice. Excellent weather...then all of a sudden it seemed like the next damned day it was 100 degrees and the temperatures have just climbed and climbed. I guess I should be thankful though, I spoke with my mother the other day. She's been in Indio for the past month and she told me it was 124 degrees out the day I talked to her. Fuck that! Motha fucker would shoot someone! 124 degrees, I can't even imagine what that would feel like. It's funny how you could live in an area all your life and never get used to the heat. It's days like this that make me have much respect for my parents, 'cause they worked for years out in the fields picking grapes in this helllike weather. Sitting here in this airconditioned building, in front of this computer...I almost feel ashamed for bitching about the weather. But damn's fuckin hot out in the biatch!

Hello, all you cool dudes and chicks. I hope you all are having a groovy time! Okay cool kats and kitties, I want to share an observation I've recently made. MTV is tripping out! It used to be far out, now it's so square. Definetely not shagworthy!

I ran home for lunch today, I live across the street, hehe...and okay I drove across the street I didn't actually run. Fuck that! It's hot outside. Anyway, as I sat down to enjoy my sa'mich I flipped the channel to MTV. So shoot, sometimes they have good programming on there, but those times are rare. In any case, I caught a bit of some stupid ass show called The 70's House. What the fuck?! That's all I have to say about that. Last night as I was fighting sleep and flipping through channels I caught some of The Andy Milonakisishiil;kmvasfh (however you spell that retarded kids last name). Then it hit me, they must be giving these shows away at MTV. First come first served. If you want a show on TV all you have to do is ask MTV. It's becoming the next public access channel. Who the fuck in their right mind would give this stupid ass kid a show?! Who?! I am usually a passive person, there are few people who's very sight make my blood boil, but I have to say this kid does it. Maybe it's because even in promotional spots for his show I feel his stupidity insults my intelligence. Whatever it is, the very sight of him makes me want to reach through the tube and beat him upside the head. Okay, I must stop talking about this, 'cause I am getting all worked up. It's just that I've cut back my watching of television because of stupid shit like this. I'm tired of reality TV! How about all those writers get off their asses and start writing smart shows for people to watch. Okay, damn I'm getting old.

Friday, July 15, 2005

feeling burnt out

I need a vacation! I just feel tired! I'm sure the fact that I couldn't fall asleep last night had something to do with it too. I'm glad it's fuckin' Friday!!!!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

tag that...

Thought I'd give this a whirl.

10 years ago... I was in high school and working at KFC...hated it!

5 years ago... I was in college counting the years till I graduated.

1 year ago... I was just graduated from college and stressing about finding a job.

Yesterday...I was bummed about returning to work from my 3 day weekend. I went to the gym with a friend and worked out for about an hour. Baby steps people, baby steps!

Today... I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be from my workout yesterday.

Tomorrow... will be Thursday.

5 snacks I enjoy... smoothies, tweenkies, raisins, cookies, blueberry muffins.

5 songs I know all the words to... Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen; Making Memories of Us, Keith Urban :) ; Thunder Rolls, Garth Brooks; Sunday Morning, No Doubt; Run, No Doubt. I know these are pretty random.

5 reality television shows I watch... American Idol, Real World, Road Rules, Made, Fear Factor.

5 television shows I watch daily... I don't watch television daily.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000... I would sprinkle flowers all over the world so that...ah hell, I'd buy my parents and siblings each a house, I'd buy myself a house as well as vacation homes, I'd by myself a few cars, travel the world, quit my job and work doing what I love.

5 locations I would love to run away to... Italy, Hawai'i, Bahamas, hell anywhere tropical.

5 things I like doing... writing, drawing, traveling, drinking, sex (but that's a given).

5 things I would never wear... speedo, thong, make-up (unless I become famous), a hair piece, a Sean John article of clothing ( I hate P.Diddy!)

5 recently seen movies I like... Crash, Batman, War of the Worlds, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The Longest Yard, Madagascar, Cinderella Man...oh wait.

5 famous people I'd like to meet... Gwen Stefani, Julia Roberts, Vin Diesel, Al Pacino, Britney Spears (so I can smack her upside her head), .

5 biggest joys of the moment... family, friends, my luva'!.

5 people to tag...I would say the five people that read my blog, but you've already done this. I guess I'd have to say Amber_Sun, Sal (post something biatch), and...anyone who has a few minutes to kill and would like to do this.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

man in the mirror

You ever look in the mirror and just have to look away in disgust? Well, okay maybe disgust is a harsh word, but you know what I mean. Lately, I have been feeling really, REALLY unhealthy. Physically, I've just been a wreck! I am so uncomfortable with myself that I have become extremely self-conscious. I am at a breaking point (my seams that is) and I need to do something quick. "Stop the insanity!" Remember Susan Powers? I think that is her name, that fitness chick with the crew cut and that infomercial? Anyway, that's how I feel right now. I have to stop the insanity. I am at my all-time heaviest right now and it's about damned time I do something about it. It's like you know when you see those morbidly obese people on those talk shows and you ask yourself, How did they allow themselves to get that big? Well, I look at myself and I have to ask, How?! What the fuck?! I mean, I'm not morbidly obese, but you know when you have all this extra weight that you're not used to, you just feel so uncomfortable. Well, I used to be good about working out at least twice a week, but lately I haven't worked out at all. On top of that I have been eating horribly unhealthy! I know this and haven't done much to change it. It soon became one of those oh I'll start tomorrow, but here I am a couple months later and still...nothing. Well, recently (a few days ago) my roomie and I decide to join a gym. We haven't been yet. Actually, today will be my first day at the gym...a gym. I'm a little excited, as well as a little apprehensive because I've never been so I know I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb. I have no plan other than to go there and maybe work the treadmill, bicycle, and maybe the stepper. I'm a little ify on the whole weight lifting only because I really want to lose weight before I start lifting. I want to slim down then start bulking up. Maybe, I'll grab one of the trainers and ask for some pointers. Hell I don't know. All I know is that I've tried the whole unorganized work out and it hasn't helped, so I'm hoping having paid for membership and having a couple friends to workout with will be motivation enough. You all are welcome to nag me on my progress periodically, just to make sure I keep on my toes. I hope I don't pass out or fall flat on my face or ass today...that would suck. I want to be able to look at the man in the mirror and get turned on. Hey big boy, how YOU doin'? *wink*

Friday, July 01, 2005

4th of july weekend!

Yeah baby...three day weekend! Hope you all have a great weekend. B-b-q, swim, rest, drink, drink lots, watch the fireworks, make your own fireworks (in bed) have fun!

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