Thinking Out Loud

Sept. 13, 2004 -- Sept. 19, 2005

2005-09-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I think the time has come to put this puppy down. I need to put this simple blog out of it's misery. It's been dying a slow death for a while now and I think it's best to just off it once and for all. Those few of you who drop by occasionally have undoubtedly noticed that the content has been somewhat blah lately.

Part of it has been that I've been neglecting it, but a bigger part of it is that I feel as though I can't express myself as I had set out to do. I have tons of post ideas, but I find myself practicing self-cencorship and I hate it. I feel as though, If I can't be honest when posting then why bother? It has gotten to the point where I go to create a new post with all these ideas on my mind, but then I stop because I can't say this or I can't say that...and finally, ah fuck it! Another post not created.

That's not to say that I'm giving up on blogging all together, oh no. Simply, that I'm killing this one and starting all over again. I think this blog represents a chapter in my life that is over and over for good. I need a fresh start. One in which I can feel like I can be honest not only with myself, but with you folks as well. So, if you were a regular reader and would like to really get to know me then shoot me an email and I'll share my new home's url once it's up and running. For the time being I have lots of old shit you all can check out, especially shit that I wrote toward the beginning of the start of this blog, just 'cause I had shit to say and for the most part it was me. Aight, take it easy...peace out ya'll.

it came and went, and nobody noticed...

2005-09-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

not even myself. Had only blogger abandoned all subtlety as in this cartoon.

Anywho Happy Bloggerversary to me!!! I guess Tuesday was the day, hell I didn't even notice till I realized tomorrow is Mexican Independance day. Viva Mexico!!!

I've made it to one full year, but just barely. I guess I need to spruce this joint up a bit. Maybe that'll get me back in the swing of things. I have tons of shit to write about, it's not that I'm a boring person. It's just a matter of getting into the right frame of mind and it'll all pour out.

So here's to my one year and looking forward to a better one.

it's over already....?

2005-09-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

Damn it! There's no way it was a three-day weekend. It just seemed hella shorter than my regular weekends. Fuck it all to hell!

Friday

Left work about an hour early. It was extremely slow, I had caught up, and I have a few hours of comp time just sitting there, so i decided to start my weekend a bit early. Not that I had any major plans for the weekend, but I just didn't want to be at work. Later that evening I had dinner with a friend and then caught a movie, Saving Face. Pretty good movie. That was pretty much it for Friday night.

Saturday

I got a late start, ran some errands and then just vegged on the couch for most of the day as I did laundry. See, I can multi-task. Sometime in the afternoon I fell asleep, for a long time. I woke up about 7pm and realized I was supposed to have been a friend's sister's wedding, which was still about an hour drive. As I sped to this little shindig I noticed my car was vibrating quite a bit. I almost just drove straight on through to my parents, but decided it would be rude since I had already said I would attend. So I drove out into the boonies where the reception was being held hoping my car didn't break down in the middle of nowhere, 'cause the moon wasn't out and it was pitch dark out. I had an idea that the vibration in my car was due to my tires needing to be balanced, so I thought at least it's not the motor again. I was at the reception for a couple hours before the clean up crew came out in full force. I took that as my sign to get ta' stepping. I still had about a 15 mile country road drive to my parents, in the middle of the night with my car driving really rough. The drive to my parents was certainly worth it, since my mom was preparing some Menudo for Sunday breakfast. Again, my mom's Menudo is the best ever!

Sunday

After devouring a huge bowl of Menudo for breakfast I set out to a neighboring town to have my car realigned and get the tires balanced. For some reason I thought it was Saturday, which of course it wasn't and all tire/car shops were closed. I took a trip to Kmart to look for a pair of flip-flops since in my haste to leave my place the day before I forgot to bring with me my flip-flops or an extra pair of shoes. Since I went straight to the wedding the night before the only shoes I had with me were a pair of dress shoes, which don't go good with shorts and a t-shirt. I had to jack my dad for a pair of sandals with were about a size too small, but had to hold me over. Being that we're nearing the end of summer I soon came to find that flip-flops have been replaced with slippers and house shoes...everywhere! I couldn't find a fuckin' pair of flip-flops anywhere and I didn't like any of the shoes I saw, so I spent all day Sunday in my dad's little sandals. It didn't matter though since I spent the rest of the day just lounging around at my parents'. We ended up bbq'ing later that afternoon, during which I gashed my head open with a fucking nail head that was protruding from one of the low hanging branches of a tree I nearly walked right into. I didn't duck low enough and the nail head caught me in the crown of my head. I'm bald so the cut and knot are on full display. Luckily it's not too bad, just a little cut really, but now it looks like I cut myself shaving. Oh well.

Monday

I returned to that neighboring town to have my car worked on hoping against hope that something would be open, of course there wasn't. I was beginning to feel like I might be stranded there for another day, and I wasn't having that. As I drove around, I called my luva' and contacted a Pep Boys in a town between my parents and my home that was open so I decided I would brave the drive there to get my car worked on. It took about two hours before my car was done, I spent that time walking around a small mall that was across the street from the place. First though, I went to Marshall's and bought myself a pair of shoes to wear, 'cause I was still wearing my dad's sandals...yeah, I know. When I got my car back, they told me that I should replace the two right tires, 'cause they looked like they were seperating (coming apart). I thought, hmm...I'm about 40 miles from home, I'll just drive home and get the tires there. I don't know why I just didn't have them replaced then, I just wanted to get home. Well, 10 miles out along the freeway I realize that the back right tire's thread was coming apart. The tire was still inflated and there was only a small chunk of thread gone, so I decided to drive the rest of the way home at about 55 mph on the freeway. It was a slow leisurely drive, but eventually I got to a tire shop and got them replaced. I ended up getting home five hours after I had set out.

Fuck, I guess it was a bit longer than I had thought. And now of course I'm back at work. Damn it!

my how things change in the span of a year...

2005-09-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

I came to the realization today that in a couple of weeks, September 13th to be exact, it will be a year since I started this little ol' blog. At the time I started it as a means to vent the frustrations I was dealing with and I can say that it helped me cope with what I was dealing with then. I posted recently about friends not understanding this whole blogging deal, but for me it's very obvious. It gave me an outlet to express myself candidly since at the time no one was really reading. Then slowly the regular readers, total strangers, people I had never met or even knew existed and even an old friend began stopping by. Then they would come back and offer advice or just words of encouragement. It helped having people seperated from my situation chime in, cause then I didn't feel prejudged or judged at all. In the span of a year I've made a few blogging buddies that I have enjoyed reading as well as enjoyed having stop by. Now all I gots to do is kick up my writing again. Lately I've been stressed and lagging.

now that my head's stop spinning...

2005-08-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

I would go through a whole recap of my week, but that would be incredibly boring. I'll spare you the details and simply say that it was a fuckin' week from hell! I had braced myself for the onslaught that is the first week of classes, but nothing would've prepared me. All fuckin' week I felt like I was being pulled in a thousand different directions and it drained me completely. Friday was the only day that I left work a little on time, a quarter after five. I think I had two days with an entire lunch break, usually I just grabbed something while I was running around. I made it to the gym just once and trust me I'm feeling it. When I would get home from work, I was just completely drained, no energy for anything. I just wanted to get home and crash out. All week I was completely stressed out, frustrated in every sense (yes, EVERY sense), and the weekend wouldn't arrive fast enough. Yesterday, I just vegged all damned day and it felt fuckin' fantabulous! Today, however I am back at work for a couple hours. Yes, working on Sunday...what a loser! Anyway, thanks to those of you who checked in on me from time to time and took the time to leave a comment even though you were coming back to the same tired post. In case that ever happens again, you can always read my old stuff...riveting stuff, trust me. My writing has somewhat gone down hill as of late. I'll work on that. Anyway, hope you all are enjoying your weekends, tomorrow back to work. Then of'course there is that three day weekend coming up...hell fuckin' yeah!

Aaahhhhhhh!

2005-08-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

That's all I got to say.

as today fades away...

2005-08-19T00:19:00.000-07:00

Before the sun sets and this day fades away,
There is just one thing I feel I must say,
Simply...that I love you.
- "quiroz" 2005

quick breather

2005-08-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

Aight everyone, just thought I'd post really quick to let you all know that I'm still alive and kicking. Work of course is still super busy, especially with school set to start Monday. No kidding I've been running around all morning, good thing is that it's almost noon. Hope you're all having a good day. Gotta run...

hell week

2005-08-14T00:48:00.000-07:00

Since I didn't post all week I thought I'd recap a bit...

Monday -

Right from the get go Monday turned out to be a very busy day. My phone must've rang about every 15 minutes all damned day long. Classes will be starting in about a week at the university. Therefore professors are coming back on campus from their summer vacations where apparently they've spent all their time downloading virus' and porn on their computers. By the time I got home I was beat so I took a little nap and ended up going to the gym later that night.

Tuesday -

No difference. More of the same shit. I hate when people think that they are special and should be at the top of your priority list. I support about 120 users, 95 of which are faculty and a few think they should always have priority. I've had to bring a couple of these people down a couple notches already. Calling every 10 minutes to make sure I'm working on their computer issue...fuck that! Wait your turn bitch! Got home hella tired, slept, went to gym.

Wednesday-

Fuck, is it Friday yet?! Work...same shit, getting pulled in different directions...deep breathes and pluggin away. Later that night I watched The Dukes of Hazzard. Mindless fun. I needed that mental check out after the week I was having at work.

Thursday-

Same shit...actually the whole week just blurs together now. I ordered DSL for home. Figured it was time to come up from dial-up. I'm now excitedly awaiting the 18th, my activation date. Later that night I got a call from my mom. Apparently my brother, who's living in Georgia and has recently wound up behind bars again, needs $500 to post bail. He gave my mom this song and dance, which sounds all too fishy to me, but I know it would make her feel better so what the fuck. It's not that I don't want to help out my brother. It's just that I know him, he's a pathological liar and I don't buy his story for a second. But I'm not going to refuse to help out, I'm glad that I'm able to now. I had hoped that he moving away from old crowds would mean him keeping out of trouble, but that hasn't been the case. The fucker is 30 years old now for fuck sake, you'd think he'd get his shit together. NO...instead he calls my folks once a month and it's usually only to aggravate my mother.

So Thursday night I'm talking to my mom about getting the money to him and she starts asking me how I'm doing, if I'm eating right. Suddenly she starts crying and I'm like what the fuck? She tells me that she just feels useless having my brother all the way over in Georgia, and me all the way over here (granted I'm only an hour from home). My mom suffers from depression, she has ever since I could remember. This little incident on the phone has led me to believe that she hasn't been taking her meds and I need to have a little chat with her. For some reason this really got to me. I don't know how many of you have ever known anyone dealing with depression, but there's a sense of helplessness. No matter how hard I try there is nothing I can do to make her feel better. When she has these little episodes it's like we have to walk on egg shells to not upset her and sometimes she takes advantage of that. There are many talks my mother and I haven't had, because of my fear of worsening her situation and I guess in some sense that angers me. Then I feel guilty for being angry at her...it's just that sometimes I wish she was a stronger person mentally, emotionally. Damn I hate being a momma's boy. In any case this conversation with my mom really upset me...afterward I was crying like a little bitch and I never cry. I guess it was a culmination of this and other family drama going on that I have no control over and that I had been trying to keep out of my mind. I guess suddenly I just felt overwhelmed and helpless being away from home. It was just one of those times you know you just need someone to be there for ya. Okay, enough of that I'm getting upset again, but I just had to get that out.

Friday-

Work wasn't too busy as far as getting too many phone calls, so I had the chance to get to a few projects I had put off till I got caught up with all the work requests. I couldn't believe Friday had come so soon, but I was glad it had. I had dinner with a couple friends at some Mexican restaurant I will not be visting any time soon. The service sucked a fat one and the food wasn't all that great. Our server was this very butch woman who at first glance I thought was a man. Were it not for the unsuccessfully concealed breasts I would've thought it was a man. Hell even her voice was very manly...it was odd. Afterward, we hit the theatre and watched Four Brothers. It was pretty good. The characters' interaction was hilarious and there was plenty action throughout.

Well, that was my week in a nut shell. I would elaborate more, but really there isn't much more to it and it's 1:45 am as I'm sitting here typing this. I apologize for those of you who came back here often throughout the week only to find I hadn't posted. I'll try to be better at that.

just another f'd up monday...

2005-08-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

I knew I was dreading this day for a reason. My weekend hardly seemed long enough and now I am at work where my phone hasn't stopped ringing since I got here and my student assistant is on vacation the whole week, so I'm here fielding all these calls by myself. Oh, there goes my phone again...son of a f'in c$%K sucking whore!

why ask why?

2005-08-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Recently over drinks and a little buzz I was talking to a friend about blogging. She was curious as to what was so appealing. What do you get from it? I don't care what's going on in people's lives that I don't even know. Like, I don't care what goes on during your day. If I don't know you, why should I care? Interesting... Why should I care? Why do I care? She's certainly not my only non blogging friend who doesn't get it. I don't know what the appeal is for me. I just enjoy it. I enjoy posting as well as reading except lately I've been doing more of the latter.

I began blogging as a way to vent my frustrations, anger, thoughts, kill some time productively (right, ha!). I never thought it would be a vehicle to meeting new people. That part of it has been a welcomed surprise and not many people outside of blogger get that. Why would anyone want to keep tabs on someone they've never met and probably will never meet? With the exception of maybe a couple of my readers I've never met any of you personally. Yet, every morning I make my rounds through my numerous regular reads, which by the way seems to increase every week. I'm just intruiged by people. Some blogs grab my attention, because the author is like me. Others blogs grab my attention, because the author is sooo different than me. I don't know how many of you have ever had the time to sit and people watch. I wonder where people are heading, where they're rushing off too, or where they're dreading returning to. Well, reading strangers' blogs fills some of that curiousity. You get a glimpse into people's lives that you wouldn't otherwise. In doing so you find that you have a lot more in common with these strangers you see out and about than you think. But of course you'd have to initially have that curiousity, othewise you'll be like my friend and honestly not give a damn. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Some people just don't have the time to get to know a complete stranger, especially when there's reading involved. I've just always been a curious person and I don't mind the reads. I guess you just have to be "special". Either that or a dork. I've got both those bases covered.

"it okay now"

2005-08-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

I was just at a user's office working on a printing issue. I walked over, it's hot out, I HATE the heat, so I was a little heated when I got to his office. I was fuckin' with his printer settings as he loomed over my shoulder. Once success was mine and his printer started looking lively again he let out an unexpected giggle. He was a little man, I think he might've been Korean and he had a heavy accent. He was standing behind me, I imagined him holding a hand to his mouth as he giggled like a little school girl. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing outloud. Once I was done and announced it was all ready to go he asked, "it okay now?". Without thinking, what came out of my mouth was, "it okay now." I didn't do it to be condescending, it's just the first thing that came out. Right after I said it I hoped no one had heard, 'cause I realized how that could've sounded like I was making fun. But I wasn't, honest...I wasn't.

"i can't live without my welfare check!"

2005-08-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

I watched Million Dollar Baby this weekend. Well sort of. The movie was playing while a houseful of children screamed and cried and my sister kept on giving away parts of the movie.

sister: "Oh, oh...watch, trip out on this part."
me: Shut up and let me watch the movie. Biting my tongue.
sister:"Oh, watch this is funny what she tells him."
me: OMG, I thought my nieces and nephews were bad, SHUT UP!

I was back at my folks' for the weekend. Needless to say, I caught snipits of the fuckin' movie. Fuck, I'm gonna have to rent it and watch it at home. One of my biggest pet peeves is having people talk during a movie. It's especially annoying if someone has already watched it and they are telling me about it as I'm watching it. I feel like just shutting the movie off and having them tell me the whole story.

Anyway, the title of this post - a line from the movie, has just been in my head all day and it makes me chuckle.

warm summer night

2005-07-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

It was a soft whimpering that slowing tore me from a deep sleep. Sleepily I laid in bed half awake half asleep, listening. Nothing. I reached for my old cell phone, who's sole purpose now is to be my alarm clock. My eyes strained to focus as I checked the time. 3:33 am. What the fuck? I laid there motionless feeling a little sticky as the summer night's heat had apparently caused me to break a sweat as I slept. I quickly turned onto my back as to allow my oscillating fan to cool me down. I laid that way, spread-eagle, for a few minutes before I began to doze off again.

Just as I was drifting back into sleep I heard it again. A soft whimpering. At a distance at first, but as I slowly came to it seemed closer. I sat up and scooted over to the edge of my bed. There it was again. At first I thought it was coming from my roommate's room, but as it grew louder I realized it was coming from outside my window. During the summer months I tend to leave my window open to allow for a little breeze into my room. My window just so happens to be facing a busy intersection and is only a few feet away from the sidewalk, so I am used to hearing people walking by at all hours of the night. This whimpering, however, seemed to be coming from right outside my window. As I sat at my bed I found it a bit odd that someone would be standing outside my window as there is a bit of lawn and some ivy ground covering just outside my window so it is not easily accessible from the sidewalk. Besides the noise of someone stepping through the ground covering would surely have woken me up. Yet there it was seemingly right outside my window, a constant whimpering. I debated for a second whether to investigate the matter. Fully awake then, I stood up from my bed and slowly approached the window so as to make no noise. As I crossed the bedroom and neared the window I realized someone was definitely standing just outside. The soft moonlight projected a shadow onto my drawn blinds. As I reached the window the whimpering suddenly stopped. I stood still, frozen - listening. Seconds later the whimpering continued.

I stood at my window for a long time trying to work up the courage to peer through the blinds. A knot formed in my stomach as the whimpering increasingly became more desperate. I could tell it was a woman and it seemed she was in quite some pain. Suddenly images of "La Llorona", an old Mexican folk story shared with children to scare them, ran through my head. I imagined pulling open the blinds and staring into a demon face. A pair of red eyes. Hell, even the thought of staring into some deranged woman's face standing right on the other side of the window screen sent chills down my spine. As all these images raced through my head I just stood there not quite sure what to do. After a few moments I decided to bite the bullet and take a peek. I put my ear to the wall just to the left of the window so that I could steal a quick peek through the side of the blinds. All I could see was a black figure standing there. My heart began to race as I realized the person was pressed up against the window screen. The incessant whimpering was really freaking me out. Slowly I put a finger on one of the blind slats. I took a deep breath half expecting a hand to reach through the window screen and take a hold of my hand. I held my finger there for what seemed like an eternity as I worked up the courage to pull the slat down. I felt her warm breath brush passed my finger and I quickly drew it back a little startled. I could hear the breathing get a little heavier as she was now sobbing. I mustered as much courage as I could and finally just pulled a few slats down. I just stood there unable to move and staring right into the warm dark night. There was nothing. No ghoulish figure on the other side of the window, no red eyes, no woman. Slowly I leaned in closer to the window to peer outside. As my eyes frantically surveyed the street there she was sitting calmly on the bus stop bench under the street lamp across the street. She wore a black dress and a black shawl pulled over her head. Her pale face peered from under her shawl and she appeared to be staring straight at me. I pulled my hand back and the blind slats snapped back into position.

My mind was racing. What the fuck?! Was my only clear thought. It couldn't be her. How the hell could she have crossed the street so fast? I quickly pulled the blind slats down again and she was gone. I looked up and down the street but there was no sign of her. Just then I felt it...it was faint at first, I hardly noticed it. As I focused, I realized it was someone's breath on the back of my neck as if someone looming over my shoulder. Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood tall and at attention. I could feel someone's presence inches from my back. My stomach dropped, my groin tensed up and I jumped forward and spun around. My eyes strained to again become accustomed to the dark room and once they did there was nothing. I frantically surveyed my room, but I was alone. My heart was racing a million miles a minute and I realized I was all tensed up. I caught my reflection in the mirror from across the room and realized how silly I looked. Slowly I began to relax as I walked back to my bed. I jumped into my bed and as I pulled the sheet over me I felt someone grab my leg from the foot of my bed. Just then I jumped up from my dream.

I had been sleeping. My heart was racing and I was covered in sweat. I quickly drew the sheet over me and scooted over to the wall making sure my feet were nowhere near the foot of the bed. I just laid there trying to regain my bearings and convince myself that it was just a dream. It felt so real, but it was just a dream.

gym rat, gym rat...hoochie mama!

2005-07-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a whole 3 weeks since I have started hitting the gym. Now, I know you won't see results right away, but fuck me! I certainly haven't lost any weight. Well not any significant amount to speak of. I could easily lose interest, but fuck I paid nearly $300 for my year membership I'm gonna put it to use. Also, I remember last year when I was walking/jogging everyday I didn't see results for a long time and actually it was other people who noticed the results before I did. I guess since I see myself everyday I don't really notice small changes as much as people who don't see me on a regular basis. I'm hoping that's the case now as well.

I have been good at going at least 3 times a week. I have not really settled into a routine just yet. I'm trying to get a feel for when my workouts would be more productive. I've been in during the afternoon, late afternoon, and evening. So far I think my afternoon workouts are working out better for me. It used to be that as soon as I got home from work at about 3:30 I would go straight for a two hour nap, yes a two hour nap! That really didn't help, 'cause for some reason it only made me feel even more tired and I had a hard time sleeping at night. Lately I have forced myself to go to the gym right after work so as to cut out my nap from my routine. Once I get to the gym and start getting my heart pumping I start getting into it and by the time I'm done with the weight lifting part of my session I'm all pumped and ready to continue my day. At night, when I used to lay in bed and toss 'n turn for a couple hours before actually falling asleep, I'm now out like a light usually as soon as my head hits the pillow. So I guess in that respect I'm seeing results. Now I need to work on getting to bed a little earlier to get at least 7 hours of solid sleep as opposed to my 5 hours I'm getting now.

Also recently, I was offered the permanent position for my job, which I quickly accepted of'course. Oh yeah, I guess I haven't posted about that either. I have a permanent job now! With full benefits! A good thing too, 'cause I really need to go see a doctor AND a dentist. Funny thing is that I'm actually looking forward to seeing a dentist. Anyway, that was a tangent...I mention it only because lately I've been feeling a little light-headed throughtout the day. It began before I started working out, so I know that's not the cause. I'm hoping to be able to put my benefits to use and see a doctor about that soon. I don't want it to affect my being able to workout. I don't want to pass out at the gym or anything...THAT would suck a fat one.

Anyway, my aspirations are to eventually become a gym rat. Okay, maybe not that extreme...but I'd like to be able to make going to the gym part of my everyday routine. Well, I guess that would make me a gym rat wouldn't it? It's funny while I'm at the gym to pick out those few who go there religiously. They're easy to spot...they're the ones who's entire workout session takes place in front of the mirror. I guess it helps to get the kinestetics of the exercise down, but there are some people who make a grand performance out of it. Making a lot of noise while moving equipment about as to make sure they get others' attention. Then there's the occasional, I must admit rare, hot chick who's obviously there to get some attention, not so much to work out. She's the hoochie mama, making sure her hair is always in place even while walking semi-briskly on the treadmill. Constantly dabbing at her face with her towel as to not show that she's perspiring. I guess it could be worse...she could be working out with a face full of makeup, that would be a sight.

I'm starting to like this gym thing. The only hard part about it is forcing myself to get there, 'cause once I'm there I'm in the zone...along with all the gym rats and the hoochie mama.

horsing around during the eulogy

2005-07-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'd hate to be the one giving this guys eulogy. Can you imagine?

Joe Schmo loved animals very much. *snicker* He could spend hours on the farm just "horsing around" with his favorite buckin' bronco. He loved to ride bareback and could ride for hours. *smirk* He kept his horses big and strong in order for them to keep up with his "riding" habits. We will all miss him dearly, but not as much as his pets will. I hope he is riding into the sunset in that great green pasture in the sky.

So how did your dad pass away? What an awkward question that would be to answer.

ghost town

2005-07-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

Life has long abandoned this town I once called home,
Now forgotten dreams roam its empty streets,
Dreams that once shown bright and full of promise,
Now litter the gutters and choke the very water ways that once brought life,
Those who knew better fled this abyss,
An exodus of higher learning, higher earning,
Yet for those less fortunate,
Their own forgotten dreams now roam among them, taunting them,
Dreams of a life on stage - actor, actress, ballet dancer, performer,
Dreams of being a doctor, a lawyer, a chief executive officer,
Dreams of being President,
Dreams of being a fireman, a cop, a prince, a princess,
Dreams that have died a horrible death giving way to the nightmares of reality,
A reality that drives many to a potent inhilation,
Intravenous subjugation,
To escape this lifeless obligation,
Of a life null of reason or motivation,
And the ones I love the most,
Call it home, this town of ghosts,
So I keep hope alive,
That soon there will breathe new life,
In this ghost town I once called home.
--"quiroz" 2005

it's hot out in this biatch!

2005-07-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

We are smack dab in the middle of a fuckin' heatwave! Aaarrrrggg! Have I mentioned how much I hate the heat? I hate it with a passion! I become very irritable when it's hot out. I can take a mild heat, hell I grew up here in the infamous San Joaquin Valley. It's just that when temperatures soar in the triple digits I am not a happy camper. All day I have to be walking around all sweaty balls and shit. That's not cool. Maybe I can outfit myself in a pair of assless chaps. Let the boys frolick freely in the open air. Gah! That's an ugly sight. Maybe I can stuff a bag of frozen veggies down my pants. No, I'd probably get accused of trying to stuff my bulge...don't want that reputation. Fuck, there really isn't much you can do to get comfortable in this fuckin' heat! What's that? Take a dip in the pool you say? Ha! I tried that shit Sunday evening and the water in the pool was hotter than the warm breeze. For a minute there I thought I had just jumped in to a jacuzzi. That was nasty! Sweating while you're swimming...not cool! We had been pampered too up until this month. Late June was still nice. Excellent weather...then all of a sudden it seemed like the next damned day it was 100 degrees and the temperatures have just climbed and climbed. I guess I should be thankful though, I spoke with my mother the other day. She's been in Indio for the past month and she told me it was 124 degrees out the day I talked to her. Fuck that! Motha fucker would shoot someone! 124 degrees, I can't even imagine what that would feel like. It's funny how you could live in an area all your life and never get used to the heat. It's days like this that make me have much respect for my parents, 'cause they worked for years out in the fields picking grapes in this helllike weather. Sitting here in this airconditioned building, in front of this computer...I almost feel ashamed for bitching about the weather. But damn it...it's fuckin hot out in the biatch!

mtv...wtf?

2005-07-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Hello, all you cool dudes and chicks. I hope you all are having a groovy time! Okay cool kats and kitties, I want to share an observation I've recently made. MTV is tripping out! It used to be far out, now it's so square. Definetely not shagworthy!

I ran home for lunch today, I live across the street, hehe...and okay I drove across the street I didn't actually run. Fuck that! It's hot outside. Anyway, as I sat down to enjoy my sa'mich I flipped the channel to MTV. So shoot, sometimes they have good programming on there, but those times are rare. In any case, I caught a bit of some stupid ass show called The 70's House. What the fuck?! That's all I have to say about that. Last night as I was fighting sleep and flipping through channels I caught some of The Andy Milonakisishiil;kmvasfh (however you spell that retarded kids last name). Then it hit me, they must be giving these shows away at MTV. First come first served. If you want a show on TV all you have to do is ask MTV. It's becoming the next public access channel. Who the fuck in their right mind would give this stupid ass kid a show?! Who?! I am usually a passive person, there are few people who's very sight make my blood boil, but I have to say this kid does it. Maybe it's because even in promotional spots for his show I feel his stupidity insults my intelligence. Whatever it is, the very sight of him makes me want to reach through the tube and beat him upside the head. Okay, I must stop talking about this, 'cause I am getting all worked up. It's just that I've cut back my watching of television because of stupid shit like this. I'm tired of reality TV! How about all those writers get off their asses and start writing smart shows for people to watch. Okay, damn I'm getting old.

feeling burnt out

2005-07-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

I need a vacation! I just feel tired! I'm sure the fact that I couldn't fall asleep last night had something to do with it too. I'm glad it's fuckin' Friday!!!!

tag that...

2005-07-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd give this a whirl.

10 years ago... I was in high school and working at KFC...hated it!

5 years ago... I was in college counting the years till I graduated.

1 year ago... I was just graduated from college and stressing about finding a job.

Yesterday...I was bummed about returning to work from my 3 day weekend. I went to the gym with a friend and worked out for about an hour. Baby steps people, baby steps!

Today... I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be from my workout yesterday.

Tomorrow... will be Thursday.

5 snacks I enjoy... smoothies, tweenkies, raisins, cookies, blueberry muffins.

5 songs I know all the words to... Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen; Making Memories of Us, Keith Urban :) ; Thunder Rolls, Garth Brooks; Sunday Morning, No Doubt; Run, No Doubt. I know these are pretty random.

5 reality television shows I watch... American Idol, Real World, Road Rules, Made, Fear Factor.

5 television shows I watch daily... I don't watch television daily.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000... I would sprinkle flowers all over the world so that...ah hell, I'd buy my parents and siblings each a house, I'd buy myself a house as well as vacation homes, I'd by myself a few cars, travel the world, quit my job and work doing what I love.

5 locations I would love to run away to... Italy, Hawai'i, Bahamas, hell anywhere tropical.

5 things I like doing... writing, drawing, traveling, drinking, sex (but that's a given).

5 things I would never wear... speedo, thong, make-up (unless I become famous), a hair piece, a Sean John article of clothing ( I hate P.Diddy!)

5 recently seen movies I like... Crash, Batman, War of the Worlds, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The Longest Yard, Madagascar, Cinderella Man...oh wait.

5 famous people I'd like to meet... Gwen Stefani, Julia Roberts, Vin Diesel, Al Pacino, Britney Spears (so I can smack her upside her head), .

5 biggest joys of the moment... family, friends, my luva'!.

5 people to tag...I would say the five people that read my blog, but you've already done this. I guess I'd have to say Amber_Sun, Sal (post something biatch), and...anyone who has a few minutes to kill and would like to do this.

man in the mirror

2005-07-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

You ever look in the mirror and just have to look away in disgust? Well, okay maybe disgust is a harsh word, but you know what I mean. Lately, I have been feeling really, REALLY unhealthy. Physically, I've just been a wreck! I am so uncomfortable with myself that I have become extremely self-conscious. I am at a breaking point (my seams that is) and I need to do something quick. "Stop the insanity!" Remember Susan Powers? I think that is her name, that fitness chick with the crew cut and that infomercial? Anyway, that's how I feel right now. I have to stop the insanity. I am at my all-time heaviest right now and it's about damned time I do something about it. It's like you know when you see those morbidly obese people on those talk shows and you ask yourself, How did they allow themselves to get that big? Well, I look at myself and I have to ask, How?! What the fuck?! I mean, I'm not morbidly obese, but you know when you have all this extra weight that you're not used to, you just feel so uncomfortable. Well, I used to be good about working out at least twice a week, but lately I haven't worked out at all. On top of that I have been eating horribly unhealthy! I know this and haven't done much to change it. It soon became one of those oh I'll start tomorrow, but here I am a couple months later and still...nothing. Well, recently (a few days ago) my roomie and I decide to join a gym. We haven't been yet. Actually, today will be my first day at the gym...a gym. I'm a little excited, as well as a little apprehensive because I've never been so I know I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb. I have no plan other than to go there and maybe work the treadmill, bicycle, and maybe the stepper. I'm a little ify on the whole weight lifting only because I really want to lose weight before I start lifting. I want to slim down then start bulking up. Maybe, I'll grab one of the trainers and ask for some pointers. Hell I don't know. All I know is that I've tried the whole unorganized work out and it hasn't helped, so I'm hoping having paid for membership and having a couple friends to workout with will be motivation enough. You all are welcome to nag me on my progress periodically, just to make sure I keep on my toes. I hope I don't pass out or fall flat on my face or ass today...that would suck. I want to be able to look at the man in the mirror and get turned on. Hey big boy, how YOU doin'? *wink*

4th of july weekend!

2005-07-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah baby...three day weekend! Hope you all have a great weekend. B-b-q, swim, rest, drink, drink lots, watch the fireworks, make your own fireworks (in bed) have fun!

home is where the heart is

2005-06-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

I want to return home,
My home, before all the changes,
Before it all became so cluttered and clusterphobic,
When the back door led to the back yard,
Instead of the narrow hallway seperating the second dwelling,
When my mother's flower bed grew wildly just below the kitchen window,
I long to return to that home, which on weekends bathed and drowned,
In the music that was the eightees,
When Madonna joked she remembered what it was like,
To be a virgin,
When Prince started his "Revolution",
With the crying of the doves,
Back when watching the WWF was a family event,
Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Tito Santana -- the instigators of playground injuries,
The latter, instigator of my sisters' swooning,
I want to return to my home across the street from flourishing crops,
Alfalfa, cotton, and corn fields were my childhood playgrounds,
But those crops no longer flourish there,
They've been replaced by the upcrop of new developments and single family dwelings,
I want to go back to my home that in winter greeted me everyday after school,
With the smell of homemade flour tortillas and my mothers warm embrace,
Take me back to that home packed with six children and two parents,
Trying their hardest to keep us all afloat,
I long to return to that home,
But know it no longer exists, not how it used to exist anyway,
Now in my age I must start my own home,
And I haven't the slightest clue of where to begin.
--"quiroz" 2005

unconditional

2005-06-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

When all has been said.
Then too when all has been done,
You are still - the one.
--"quiroz" 2005

missing utah boy

2005-06-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you have been following this story or have even heard about it. But, is it just me or does this kid not look terribly happy to be back home. Turns out he was hiding from volunteer searchers when they would come near him. I don't blame the kid, his family apparently regards him as an idiot. In news stories during the search they often described him as being extremely shy around people, having a bad sense of direction, being a complete moron. Okay, I added the last one, but they fell very short of saying that. Well, lookie here bitches he survived nearly 4 days out in the wilderness by himself. Maybe being out in the wilderness without his family he saw his opportunity to make a run for it. Figured he'd take a chance on being raised by a pack of wolves rather than be at home. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he was found alive. After the third day I was beginnning to think the worst, but what if he had tried to get away...damn, that would suck.

did i miss the memo?

2005-06-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last week I started noticing my supervisor bringing his daughter in to work. At first I thought, maybe it's Bring Your Kids To Work day or some shit, but he brought her to work everyday of the week. So then I thought, well fuck maybe it's Bring Your Kids To Work week. Now it's what, Thursday of the following week? Today he also has his son with him...umm should we expect the wife and in-laws in tomorrow? Not that it bothers me, hell we're not even in the same office space, but it just seems a bit odd. Last week sometime he called me up and asked me to take a look at a computer in his office, because it wasn't playing DVD's. So I drop what I'm doing, go over to his office...turns out he was trying to put a DVD on to keep his daughter entertained. Um, dipshit...this computer doesn't have a DVD drive. That's probably why it won't play DVD's. Of course I only thought that while I smiled and excused myself.

smell my finger...

2005-06-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

My index finger smells like fish. Guess what I was doing...no, that's dirty! I just finished eating a tuna sa'mich for lunch. I went to scratch my nose and...*gag* yack! I can imagine what my breathe smells like now....Hhhhello! Great, now I'm gonna be all self-conscious about my breath when talking to people for the rest of the day. Hell, maybe that'll keep them from bothering me with their computer problems.

'i do'

2005-06-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Take this ring,
And take my hand,
Love me as I am.
Flawed, complex, and jealous,
But love me as I am.

Take my love,
And take my heart,
Say we'll never part.
Not today, not tomorrow, or the next,
Just say we'll never part.

Take this life,
And make it yours,
For soon it will be ours,
Yours, and mine, and then the kids,
Yes, soon it will be ours.

Take me now,
To be your love,
For all I need is you,
And I'll take you now,
Right as you are,
With a resouding, strong -- 'I do'.

--"quiroz" 2005

nothing to say...

2005-06-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am met today, as I have been in recent days, with this same intimidating blank screen and words continue to escape me.

one-eyed monster

2005-06-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

No, not that one...dirty. My allergies have been acting up today, you know runny nose itchy eyes. The runny nose is annoying, but it's the itchy eyes that are killing me. Moreso, because I wear contacts. So I was rubbing my eyes (I know, that's unsanitary) when all of a sudden I notice that my vision is blurred in one eye. Fuck, my contact! So I touch my face to make sure it didn't pop out and it's stuck on an eye lash or something. Nope, nothing. I start to frantically look around...my keyboard, my shirt, my jeans, the floor...nothing. Fuck! This had happened to me before, but I was at home where I have my back-ups. I'm thinking, fuck it's barely 1:30, two more hours to go can I work with one good eye? By now I'm annoyed as all hell, so I go to the restroom to check out my eye. I'm standing there looking into the mirror, poking around in my eye in hopes of finding it when my supervisor walks in...fuck! I leave the restroom and head up to the second floor where that restroom is used a little less frequently. I walk in and I'm there poking around when I notice that it's folded in half and jammed into the corner of my eye. As I'm trying to fish it out one of my collegues walks in and looks at me a little funny. This mirror is on a wall perpendicular to the urinals. I'm thinking, great this motherfucker is gonna think I'm waiting around to get a glimpse of someone's package. I finally manage to fish it out and pop it back in my eye. I felt I should say something so he wouldn't get the wrong idea..."I nearly lost a contact there. Was flying blind for a minute there." I said with a nervous laugh. "That's why I don't wear those things. Something about seeing them go to the back of your eye scares me." He said laughing and walking out. Whfew! Cool...he didn't suspect anything. I have to get control of these damned allergies, damn it!

twilight-zone-like

2005-06-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

It's almost Monday noon and not one of my regular blog reads has posted. Is today some kinda holiday that I'm unaware of? Where'd everyone go? Grace? Nora? Cindy-Lou? Anyone?....I'm scurred...

"good luck in the real world. don't ever change!" signed, your BFF

2005-06-06T15:36:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a high school nostalgic experience this weekend. I attended my niece's graduation. As I sat there all the little high school shit ran through my mind and I couldn't help but to smile, 'cause it was all so...dumb!

Anyway, Friday afternoon I drove down to my folks' for the weekend. Actually, I drove straight to my little niece's high school graduation. Nothing like having a niece graduate from high school and turn 18, to make you start feeling old. Eighteen! In a couple weeks she'll be legally able to vote...WTF! That's almost depressing...I say almost 'cause in my defense my sister started young (15 yrs. old, young). I was in third grade when I became a tio, so really I'm not that old. Now where was I? So I arrive at the graduation, which was held at my old high school's football stadium, about half an hour late. That place looks so much smaller than I remembered. It was packed too. There was no parking anywhere near the fuckin' place. I ended up parking about a block away. My sister, mother, and grandmother were already there and had been saving me a seat. After exchanging a few heated words with the rent-a-cop at the front gate, who wasn't letting me in even with my damn ticket in my hand I called my sister. She came down and had them let me in. Bastards! I made it to my seat just in time to catch the validictorian's tearful, sobsful speach. Poor girl, she could barely get her words out as she was apparently overcome with emotion. As fake as it was. Fuck, get on with it! The sobbing was cute at first, but no one is buying it anymore. It was funny to watch this little girl up on stage so full of dreams, aspiration and cliched wise words to offer her peers. Almost cringe inducing cliched filled speech.

I realized I have become a little jaded or cynical about life, as I nearly busted up laughing out loud as she urged her peers to go out into the "real world" and use all the knowledge they had gained in high school to change the world. I imagine most those kids were thinking MTV's the "Real World" rather than the jobs, bills, and taxes real world we normal people live. But it struck me how full of life high school students are. How full of life I was once too. Now, though I'm still full of life...the realities of it have worn it's shine just a bit. But as I sat there at my high school graduation I remember how invincible I felt, how I could do anything, the possibilities were endless. I was oblivious to the big "real world" that lay outside the little bubble I had known as my universe up until then. All I had done throughout high school seemed so important. I had accomplished it all. I had damn near figured out the meaning of life. Of course, it didn't mean shit. None of it. Well, not in comparison. All I have accomplished in my life since high school, personally and academically, but moreso personally, is far greater than anything I could've dreamt up in high school. So I think back to that little girl on stage Friday night and I wonder how different her views will be in say...five years even.

Sitting here eight years after my high school graduation I know that luck has nothing to do with how you do in the "real world" and that the only way to survive is to change and adapt. But maybe that's just to complex for the high school Class of 2005 to grasp, so I bid them luck out in the real world and I hope they don't ever change. --TCCIC (Take Care Cause I Care.)

bitch better have ma money!

2005-05-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

Runaway bride to cough up some dough for search.

and...I'm off!!!

2005-05-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

Aight everyone, hope you all have a safe and fun weekend. Remember to get tore the fuck up! I will and I'll recap.

sweet summer schedule

2005-05-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

This Monday we started our summer hours schedule, which is sweet. Well...if you don't mind waking up a bit earlier. Now, I'm not a morning person...not in the least, but once I get used to it I'll be cool. I begin my day at 7am and end at 3:30pm with a half hour lunch. The half hour lunch sucks, but I'm done at 3:30 and I have sooo much day light left to burn. Lately, though, I've been burning it by napping when I get home from work. That'll change once I get used to waking up so early. Anyway, that's all for now. I know not too exciting, but I'm tapped out for blogging ideas for now...besides I'll be going home in about 15 mins. so that's hardly enough time to start a meaningful blog.

Hope you're all doing good and stay out of the heat...damn it!

weekend recap

2005-05-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been gone for a bit. Really...wha, you didn't notice? Yeah well. Last week was just chaos here at work, but I did manage to sneak in a few quick hellos. Anyway, as usual it seemed like too short a weekend.

Friday night was dinner and a movie with my roomie, the hobagg, and another friend. We had dinner at T.G.I.F.s and as costumary as of late to have a drink or two with dinner I purused the cocktail menu. I decided on the Ultimate Hawai'i Volcano Something. From the description it sounded like it would a Hurricane knock-off, so I said what the hell? Boy was I embarrassed when the server plopped down this big-ass fruity looking concoction in front of me. I nervously looked around...had anyone noticed this huge fruity drink I had mistakingly ordered? I was tempted to snap at the server and pretend as though he had gotten my order wrong. What the hell is this?! I didn't order this fruity ass drink! What are you trying to get at here buddy?! Take this shit away and bring me my tall mug of Guinness! Okay, maybe not Guiness that shit is nasty...I'm not too keen on drinking motor oil. But of course I played it cool, sipped on my drink as manly as possible and even ate the cherry. I then ordered the Ultimate Long Island. Oh yes...I should've gone with that initially. The bartender didn't fuck around with the liquor in that bitch. It was a huge goblet of buzz inducing perfection. I was feeling very relaxed after that. Afterward, we went and caught House of Wax on the big screen. I know, I know, but I had already watched every good new movie so get off my back! Maybe it was the little buzz I developed over dinner, but it actually wasn't all bad. Sure, of course it had the usual teen horror flick formula. Group of teens get stranded in the woods and get offed one by one. Nonetheless, it had some entertainment value. The way the characters got offed was cool to watch. Especially seeing Paris get killed. That's hot! Now, of course we didn't pay the 9.50 to watch it, 'cause we got hooked up so that's probably why I can find entertainment value in it. I surely wouldn't recommend it, but if you're ever bored out of your mind, you find that you've watched all the good movies that are current out, or you simply want to watch Paris bite the big one then you might consider watching this. It's certainly not Catwoman bad, but it's not great.

Saturday was graduation day so I was at the graduation ceremony as a number of friends were graduating. Fresno State has the biggest Latino Commencement Celebration in the nation. It's a graduation ceremony specifically for Latinos. It's cool to participate in, I participated when I graduated last year. They have Mariachi playing right before the program starts, usually a fokloric dance troupe performs, they recognize your parents as you're crossing the stage...it's cool. Anyway, after that I had planned to meet up with a buddy who had been partying all day long at some house party. I called him up and he mentioned that they were leaving the house party and going to some bar and asked if I wanted to meet him there. The name of the bar should have tipped me off that it was not going to be my scene. And not that I have a scene, I'm not that cool, but I should have known that I would not fit in at JimBo's. Sure enough, as I pull up to the place I notice a few guys outside wearing them some tight wranglers, cowboy boots, trucker hats...the whole shabam. So I call up my friend who is already inside and ask him, Is this a honky tonk bar? He asures me it's not. Not that I have a problem with honky tonk bars, I can enjoy me some country now and then, but fuck can I get some warning? I walk into this bar...mind you I'm wearing a Guayabera (Mexican Dress Shirt), some jeans and some spit shiners. Fuck, I was coming from a Latin celebration and now there I was, a dark, bald Mexican standing in the middle of a room filled with white folk in either their cowboy getups or plain t-shirt and jeans, shorts, tank-tops, flip-flops...hell everything, but guayaberas? I felt the beads of sweat sqeazing past my pores as I tried unsuccessfully to blend in. It was definetely not a fucking Where's Waldo? scene let me tell you. There was no blending in. I don't recall ever feeling as uncomfortable as I did that night. I was glad to be out of that motherfucker as soon as possible.

Sunday, I went over to a friend's house. He was one of the graduates and his family threw him a graduation party. It was nice to sit around, relax and bullshit with some friends after a hectic week. It was hot as hell though! Fuck, summer is finally here and it's going to be HOT! I hate the heat by the way, makes me irritable. So I'm not too elated about it. So that was my weekend in a nut shell. Hope you all had a good one.

wish me luck!

2005-05-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have a job interview today and I haven't been too nervous about it till just this morning. Wish me luck!

slow motion

2005-05-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is this damned week going by so slow? I keep thinking it's Thursday and then I regrettably remember it's only Wednesday. I think it's because I'll have to work this weekend and I just want it to be over with already. Damn it!

quick hello

2005-05-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

With the semester winding down work has been a bit busy. Just wanted to say hello right quick. Hope all is well.

friday the 13th

2005-05-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hey all, just wanted to note that it's FRIDAY....yes, fuckin' finally!!! I've been looking forward to the weekend all week long and now it is upon us...mwahahaha. Okay, I'm just delirious. Not feeling too good, need some sleep, allergies acting up, feeling nauseus, nausious, naucious (how the fuck do you spell that?). Ah, hell you guys get my drift. But it's okay, 'cause it's FRIDAY!!! I might just have to call it a day a bit early today though, 'cause I don't feel too good. :(

busy humpday

2005-05-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

I just checked out the blogs I frequent and realized I'm not the only who appears to be swamped at work. Good thing too, I was beginning to think I was maybe missing out. IT'S ALMOST FRIDAY!!!

life's too short...

2005-05-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I had been working on putting together a program for one of the many graduation commencement ceremonies which will be taking place here next week.

Friday, I finished one of the many final drafts and took the program file over to our Print Shop for their review. I met with the press designer and a couple of the press printers. They all appeared well enough, I mean physically, healthwise, you know. Well, yesterday I spent about an hour late in the afternoon with the designer making a few small changes to the program. He seemed preoccupied though, as though his mind was somewhere else. He mentioned that his co-worker, one of the press printers I had met the other day, was in the hospital battling a very bad post-op infection. Hearing him speak of this co-worker I got the sense that he was really concerned for him...they must've been pretty good friends.

Well, I just got back to my office this afternoon and I received an email sent out to the campus staff community stating that that press printer I met the other day, who seemed well enough, passed away last night. I had never met the man before Friday and still this news kinda upsets me.

Just makes you think that life is always too short. So, I'd like to tell my friends...personal and blog world alike...I got nothing but love for ya.

somehow it's just never long enough...

2005-05-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

The weekend is over and a new work week has begun against my wishes...damn it!

Friday night I went to watch Crash with a friend...oh man, can I just say that that movie was fuckin' awesome! I caught myself a few times during the movie being all tense and shit...it's really good. After watching that I needed to get out for a drink. Well, that and the fact that I didn't drink the night before for Cinco de Mayo, so I needed to make up for that. My friend's bestfriend was in town from southern cali, so we went out to the club. We be clubbin'. It was coo, not as coo as the last time I was there, but it was good. At first, I thought we had accidentally wandered into a new lesbo bar or something, 'cause there was nothin' but girl on girl action from wall to wall. Well, in the hip-hop dance room anyway. I felt lost and confused...where am I? Mommy, why are those two girls kissing on the lips? But after my second drink I came to my senses and realized exactly where I was. After about my fifth drink I was shakin' my ass out on the dance floor and apparently very well, 'cause now I'm all sore. My legs and arms are a bit sore and I'm thinking...okay really, 'cause it's already Monday. I guess that means I need to really start working out. Oh yeah, when I was outside taking a break from the ass shakin' some girl had her ass all up on the glass. One of the walls surrounding the dance floor is a series of large glass windows and this chick was puttin' 'em on the glass like no one's business. It was all ass cleavage for all to see. So I did what any normal drunk person with a camera phone would do and got a shot of that right quick. I'll share soon. All in all it was a good night. A good winding down after a busy week.

Saturday, I drove down to my folks' for a visit. I had spoken to my mother earlier in the day and she said she was preparing some chicken mole.
"Oh cool, but wait is it homemade mole from scratch?"
"Yes, it's homemade mole."
Suspiciously I conceded, "Okay..."
See, the last time I was back home I noticed these mole mixture crap my mom was keeping handy in the freezer. And I was almost tempted to hide them or throw them out, 'cause I new she would be using them eventually. Against my better judgement, though, I let them be. So I get home having skipped breakfast and passing on lunch 'cause my momma was making homemade mole and as soon as I uncover the pot of mole I new she had lied to me! Nooooo! I didn't even have to taste it, just the coloring gave it away. It was decent enough, but I was very dissapointed to be eating some pre-packaged, uncomparable to the real thing mole. Geez, what's up with this lady lately? I'm going to have to sit her down and have a serious chat with her. This fake, generic, pre-packaged stuff is just not cutting it! Next thing I know she's just going to stop cooking all together and just start ordering in and I ain't having that!

A friend from NYC was in town for the weekend so I was really excited to be seeing her again. I hadn't seen her for a few months. Ended up kickin' it with her and a few other friends all night. I was the odd man out, though. See this group of friends all went to highschool together out of town. I didn't come along until their college years. It was one of those, I met a couple of them in college became really good friends with them and so met their friends and so on and so forth. In any case, whenever they all get together they do the whole catching up on the high school peeps gossip and I'm left just twidling my thumbs, 'cause I don't know these people their talking about nor do I care to know about them. But now if I ever run into someone from their high school I can pretend I went to school with them and drop all these names and give them all these updates. Anyway, all that's neither here nor there. We didn't do much that night, just kicked it and talked shit as usual and somehow sometimes that's just as much fun as if we had gone out and done something on a Saturday night.

Sunday, mother's day was cool. My family went over to one of my sister's house and we bar-b-qued, talked shit, and I napped. I hadn't eaten all day, 'cause I slept-in all morning so I was fuckin' hungry. So I had myself a nice heapin' helping of b-b-q and all the fixings. Of course after I devoured my food, my heavy unhealthy food, I felt my eyes start drooping. I had a seat on the couch...ooohhh, the big comfy couch and that was it for me. Amid the kids' shouting, the excitement over at the dinner table with the live game of "La Loteria", mexican bingo, and the oldies' playing over the radio I was out for the count and it felt soooo good. After my nap it was time for me to head on home and I made my hour trek back to Fresno.

And now here I am back to work on a Monday morning and the weekend, somehow it's just never long enough.

cinco de mayo fest or bust

2005-05-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Unfortuneately for me last night...it was a bust! All my party/drinking buddies either flaked or were out of town. And since I'm not one to go out to a bar or club on my own...I stayed home. Although, I did get some laundry done. Hey...I'm trying to find the silver lining here. Ah well, it's just the same. I'll just go out and party tonight instead.

happy cinco de mayo!

2005-05-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

So far Cinco de Mayo has me all wet...and not in a good way. It's been raining here all fuckin' day! Not that I'm complaining mind you, 'cause I fuckin' love the rain. But I just hope it's not raining tonight. I don't have any solid plans as of yet, but I'm hoping to be able to go out tonight for some fun, drinks, and a little freaky deaky on the dance floor. All in the name of honoring my ancestry, of course. If anything exciting happens tonight I'll be sure to keep all yous posted tomorrow. Have a good one!

because you can't be here with me

2005-05-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

I sit here listening, listening to the minutes tick away, to the deafening stillness outside my window, to the quiet wakening life outside as I sit here - listening. My heartbeat breaks the silence as I sit here alone. The solemn overcast light breaks through my window blinds revealing a new day. Outside, the heavy clouds rain on the earth on this late spring morning. The scent of dampened earth reaches my senses and I am taken back to younger days, when I ran and frolicked in these late spring rains. Silent rain drops dance on slick wet leaves outside my window. Water and foliage melding together forming beautiful music, soothing music - soothing my soul. The gentle breeze kisses the leaves of the gentle giants that stand guard outside my window. Whispering so only I can hear, they tell me it will all be okay, they tell me to tell you too, that it will all be okay. You see, these late rains have come to wash away your troubles. So dry those tears you have unsuccessfully fought back, because it will all be okay...trust that it will. And because you can't be here with me, I capture this moment so that we can be together if only in our mind's eye.

i'm still here!

2005-05-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

Damn it! This week's been crazy busy here at work. I have a lot of stuff to blog about, but everytime I sit to start bloggin something else comes up or I'll lose interest in what I'm writing, 'cause I'm thinking about all the shit I have to do here at work. So don't count me out just yet...

is it 5 o'clock yet?

2005-05-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

*yawn*

I'm dying over here. I'm sooooo damn tired, and hungry. I'll be looking forward to the end of the day all damned day long, which of course will only make it seem that much longer.

have a great weekend!

2005-04-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

Aight all...have a fuckin' fantabulous weekend. Get your drink on, your dance on, your freak on...but be safe! If you're having fun take pics.

oh...the gays

2005-04-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me how many characters you can find at the local gay club. Last night was "Latin Night" and the club was hoppin'. You run the full spectrum of gaydom at this place. From the flamin' queens straight on through to the hardcore, semi-closeted, gangsta' gays. You have the lone middle-aged white man sitting at the end of the bar gauking at all the little latino boys. The couple of guys who apparently flipped through the latest issue of Details, GQ, In Style, or Latina magazine for inspiration for their "outfit". There's the grey haired rico, suave latin man on the prowl. The little, cute, spiky haired lesbian weaving through the crowd with pitcher of beer in tow. The big, manly, butch, can probably kick my ass lesbian. The oh so hot, cleavage baring, beautiful, can make a gay guy sport a chubby, lipstick lesbian. The paranoid, uh...this is my first time at a gay club, I hope I don't run into anyone I know, questioning gay guy. The hanging on to the girlfriend for dear life straight guy. Of course, the I'm only here for the music deeply closeted gay guy. The, is that a male or female? The, that's a fugly ass male/female...who is he kidding? Full spectrum I tell ya...people watching here is priceless. There's weaves and wigs, low riding jeans, hip hugging jeans, skirts and thongs, bearded women, lee press on claws, sneakers, shoes, high heals, clogs, see through shit, painted on shit, army fatigues, leather and chains, body jewelery, body glitter, fake eyelashes, all kinds of shit. All good fun.

Last night also happened to be "Madonna Madness". Woo Hoo! OMG...some of these fuckers love them some Madonna or Madge or Mo....whatever the fuck, I call her whore. But they had a midnight show of Madonna impersonators...funny ass fuckin' shit! My friend and I were laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. I gotta give these guys props though, they really got into character. I think that made it oh so much funnier, to see that they appeared to be channeling Madonna. They performed Like a Prayer, Material Girl, and some of her new shit I've never heard before. The last performer took the cake though, literally...I think she must've inhaled an entire cake just before her performance. It was a sight for sore eyes, her performance was. Her belly was hanging over her tight leather pants and her belly button appeared to be screaming a big silent "Oh!". Good times, good times.

Oh yeah! Guess there's a new gay anthem at the club, 'cause as soon as the beat started the crowd went wild, I just covered my ears and made a bee-line straight for the outdoors, 'cause guess what it was.... "Uhuh, that's my shit. All my girls stomp your feet like this." Nooo!

After the Madonna show, I had had all the excitement I could handle for one night and so I headed on home. Oh...the gays, so much fun.

my new little toy

2005-04-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

Nokia 6230

I finally broke down and got myself a new phone. My old phone was just...well, old. It was pissing me off all the time and I've had it for about 3 yrs. now so I figured it was about time to upgrade. Being the Nokia whore that I am, I had held out for this particular phone to come out, so I'm happy. Still haven't had the chance to fully fuck around with it, but I can take pictures and record video, which I could think of a few instance where that might come in handy. *wink, wink*

And plus it's Bluetooth capable, so who knows it might also get hacked into and all my dirty pics and videos will get plastered all over the web. Or maybe I'll just do that myself just for the hell of it.

the 7th happiest place on earth!

2005-04-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

I nearly fell off my fucking rocker! Are you kidding me the 7th happiest city in the nation?! Well...goes to show, what the fuck do I know. I knew I liked living here, though sometimes I just need to get the fuck out.

what she smokin'...?

2005-04-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm a No Doubt fan. I think Gwen is hot! I dug her first two solo singles...I know, I know that's gay, but that's besides the point. And I can respect the fact that she has to be different from everyone else, I suppose in her profession you have to be.

But did she just go retarded all of a sudden?! I mean, what the fuck is up with her Harijuku girls...I read somewhere that it's in their contract that they are not allowed to speak english in her presence. This girl can sing, she's definetely unique, she's hot, she doesn't need a fuckin' gimick. She has something most pop stars lack...talent. And now her latest single is in heavy, HEAVY rotation on the radio and it's just so fuckin' stupid! I tried to like it, I really did, but it's just not happenin' for me. "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" WTF?! I'll have to call up my friend from back home and give her shit for that one. The first time I heard that song I thought it was the stupidest shit. A couple days later I call up this friend from back home who swears she's the biggest No Doubt fan and what song is playing on her voicemail? Yeup, this stupid ass song. I don't know what Gwen is smoking, but I she's able to quit that shit soon. OR maybe I need to start smoking whatever she is so that I can tolerate this shit.

helpful office assistant

2005-04-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me this via email, thought I'd share.

Gotta love that little paper clip...he thinks of everything.

i'd make a killin'

2005-04-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

For the past month or so I have been feeling as giddy as a fuckin' school girl. I can't explain it. I hadn't even realized it until a friend pointed it out to me. She had asked why I was all smiles and happy. If you are one of the few brave folks who regularly read my shit you had probably noticed that I had been down for so long, it seemed like. I don't know what turn of events have brought this new found feeling on, but fuck I'm running with it. I'm not going to question it, 'cause I've needed this for sooooo damn long.

You don't understand. It had gotten to the point where I would wake up each morning and be like, ah fuck another day. And I hated that I was like that. I felt as though I was bringing people down around me and it irked me. Now, I wish I could rub some of what I feel off on those around me. It's like a natural high and I just want to share it with those I care for and know are feeling kind of how I used to feel. I had been afraid to mention it before for fear that I'd jinx myself. I had had brief periods of this euphoric feeling before, but I've been riding this high for about a month now. I'm hoping it isn't a phase. I had posted before on what I want and it seems that I have one down and about three to go. For now, it would appear I'm finally happy with myself and by myself.

And if I could bottle up and sell the excitement, unexplainable happiness, and enjoyment I have been feeling for the past month...I'd make a killin'!

sluggish hump day

2005-04-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

Me this morning...and still this afternoon

words of wisdom...

2005-04-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

"Our Lives Begin to End the Day We Become Silent About the Things That Matter."
--Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

taking her out for a spin

2005-04-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

Yet another example of why the elderly should be required to hang up their keys for good. I'm sure it's happened to many of you before, where you're driving behind an ancient driver and all of a sudden they will do something stupid on the road. Then they have the nerve to wave it off as if saying, "Oops, it's because I'm old." Exactly, all the more reason you should be driving a scooter rather and than your huge Buick or Cadilac.

Like that old man a few years back that plowed through a crowded farmers market in L.A., killed a woman and injured countless others. Then he's on the news as he's being released from jail later that afternoon with a huge embarrassed smile on his face for the news camera. What the fuck?! He's had just killed a woman and there he was a few hours later on his way home.

After a certain age the only thing the elderly should be driving is driving their caretakers crazy with their griping.

on my procrastination

2005-04-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

While I was going to school, I somehow managed to become the biggest procrastinator. There was no assignment too big or too small that I couldn't manage to put off till the last minute. There was just always something else I would rather be doing -- something on TV, someone to talk to, or sleep with (j/k), somewhere to go...hell, anything other than what I was supposed to be doing. I think that is how I brought on a great deal of my own stress as a student. Procrastination is the devil! As a result, though, I never fully enjoyed any activity I opted for instead of the task at hand. Kind of ironic. That overwhelming feeling -- you know, that combination of guilt and fear always weighed heavily on my mind. That's my damned conscience for you.

You would think that the lessons of my youth would serve some purpose now that I am older. However, that is not the case. That's why I found myself last night at the local Best Buy purusing the available tax return software. And that's why I was up till 1:30 this morning completing my taxes, when my W-2 forms had just been sitting on my desk for months. But as I was having dinner last night I realized the deadline is this Friday, well tomorrow, so I figured I'd better get on it. The cashier at the store metioned he hadn't done his taxes either, and that should have made me feel more at ease. And I guess it would have, had he not been just a couple days passed his 16th birthday. He seemed very pre-pubescent...18, at most. Somehow I felt a tad bit ashamed I was on the same boat as this kid. I should have my shit together, shouldn't I? I mean, fuck, I'm twenty-something now! I should have already spent my tax return. I guess now I have something to look forward to. I know I have a check due me sometime soon. Yay! Or as Special Ed would say, "Yaaaaaay......!!!"

in my haste

2005-04-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

I had gotten used to wearing no hair and so I had kept it that way for a long time. Then after my college graduation I decided to let it grow out, thinking it would be more professional-like. So, up until recently I had my little hairdo, but was growing really tired of it. I decided that when the weather warmed up I would shave my hair off again. Therefore, I waited and waited for a small semblence of spring warmth. When we got a few consecutive warm days I jumped the gun and shaved my head, breathing a sigh of relief.

Only lately the weather's been tricky and it's cold as fuck in the morning and warm in the afternoon. This morning, for instance, I walk out my apartment and it's hella windy and cold! Where did I feel that coldness first? Yes, my bare head. And fuck me if I can't seem to find any of my damned beanies. I must've given them all away. Of course it being spring time, no damned store has beanies out anymore.

So it would appear that in my haste, I have done fucked up!

curse you allergies!

2005-04-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

I went home to visit my folks this weekend and I was greeted with really bad allergies. Damn it! I was fine here in Fresno before I left Saturday afternoon, but once I got to my folks - my nose was runny, my eyes were watery and itchy, and my nose felt like it was on fire.

Damn it! Fuck it all to hell! The majority of Saturday evening was spent squinting my hurtin' eyes and sneezing. Sunday was no better. My brother hooked me up with some Tylenol Severe Allergies, but that shit didn't do anything for me. I didn't even spend much time with my family, 'cause I had to keep running to the room for quick naps, my eyes were hurting so bad.

Today, I feel a little better. My sinus' still feel a little sore, but at least my eyes aren't itching and my nose isn't runny. I do feel hella sleepy, though. Of course it doesn't help that I went out for a few drinks last night and stayed out late. I didn't wake up with a hangover, but I do feel hella sleepy!

I just wanna go home and sleep.....

this one's dedicated to the one I...love

2005-04-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

A merry little song for the FCC.

*Disclaimer: might be inappropriate to listen to at work. So lower the volume, or tell the boss, "Fuck you too...so very much."

mother nature is a ragin' lunatic!

2005-04-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

For the past few days the weather here in Fresno had been beautiful. Almost as though the Southern Cali weather had followed me home. But damn it if I don't wake up this morning and it's cloudy, windy, and cold outside. What the fuck?!

save yo' drama fo' yo' momma!

2005-04-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

My work cell was blowing up this morning before I even got to work, so I knew it was going to be a fun day. Once at work, I didn't even get a chance to get to my office before I was spotted in the hallway and quickly was bombarded by a million questions and work requests. God damn it! I just got here, let me clear my eye crusties before you give me your bitchin'!

I got right to work, knocking two work requests out right off the bat. While I was finishing up the third work request a user (Sandy), a chairwoman for one of my departments, walked up to me requesting a word. She seemed a bit heated. Apparently, she was having an issue with an administrative assitant (Betty) from another department not wanting to divulge the password for some computer system I had set up. She wanted me to give her the password or login for her at that workstation. I wasn't aware that the workstation was a shared computer and that she should have access to it. We talked to my supervisor (Bill) and he agreed to have me login for her so that she could have access to it. Whatever, lady drama.

I walked over with her to the workstation and was about to log her on when that administrative assistant came over in a rage wanting to know what the hell we were doing.

"I'm going to log her on to the computer." Not really thinking much of it.

"Why?! I already told her she couldn't use it!" Talking to me about Sandy as though she weren't standing right next to me.

"Betty, we talked to Bill and he okay'd him to log me in." Cockin' her head with full on attitude.

"Well I don't know why the hell you had to go talk to Bill about it when I had already told you, no!" Sounding like a five year old.

Easy there granny no need to get your diaper all in a twist. Betty is an older lady, probably mid to late fifties. She always seemed so...sedated, so it was kind of weird to see her acting up like this. I figured she had just forgotten to take her meds. Whatever it was, I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.

"Betty, why are you being such a bitch? It's a shared computer." Sandy trying to sound as condescending as possible and succeeding quite admirably.

"Don't take that tone with me young lady!" Reaching out and slapping Sandy across the face.

What the fuck?! Oh hell naw...that shit was funny as hell. I'm thinking, did she just slap her? Crazy! Sandy's left cheek was bright red and the tears had started to form in her eye from the sting. Now that was a bitch slap if I ever saw one. At this point I'm thinking, do I say something, do I go call for back up...wtf?! Next thing I know Sandy shoves Betty as hard as she can sending her flying across the room, arms flailing, glasses flying across the table as she lets out a surprised shriek and lands on a chair.

I'm just standing there stunned, not quite sure what to do. I'm trying my hardest to keep a straight face, 'cause the old lady flying across the room was hilarious! All this is going on in a little conference room, where it's just us three and the door is closed. No one outside can see any of this.

"Okay, everyone calm down." I urge as Betty surprisingly sprung to her feet and rushed toward Sandy. By then they're going at it. Slapping eachother, calling names. My heart was racing. Suddenly I was reminded of a good old-fashioned high school cat fight. Pull off her shirt, pull off her shirt...I mean lift up her skirt, lift up her skirt! Then I remembered they'd be old shriveled breasts...*chills*. They're now rolling around on the floor and I say, okay fuck this.

I turn to leave the room to get some help when all of a sudden I feel someone tugging at my leg. What the fuck?! I look down and it's Sandy grabbing on to my leg trying to prevent me from leaving the room. Fuckin' great! I'm shaking my leg trying to break free, still not believing this shit is happening. But she just keeps pulling on my leg, pulling on my leg...kind of like I'm pulling yours.

Okay...so they didn't fight. But they did have a little unfriendly exchange of words. My story was a bit more exciting though.

i read my first chapter...woohoo!

2005-04-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

Words cannot begin to convey the utter joy that I felt hearing my name called, then proudly walking across that stage after receiving my empty diploma case. A closure to those passed seven years of higher education. No more books! No more tests! No more class! Hell fuckin' yeah!!!

That sheer joy was short lived, though. See with every day that passed I felt less and less productive. Months passed and I had not so much as picked up a book. In fact I hadn't read a book, just for fun, in ages. Maybe even since high school. While I was in college I never read. Well, of course I read while taking my general education courses, but after that it was just skimming. Technical degrees don't require much reading. Most of it was math, physics and applying that to the world around. Never reading, per se, and definetely not fun reading.

So I told myself a while back, self, your bitch ass needs to start reading again...you're getting dumber every day. We cool like that, so I can call myself a bitch. However, every trip to the bookstore left me dumbfounded. I mean, there are just so many books at these book stores. How is such an indecisive person as myself supposed to make a decision? Needless to say every trip to the bookstore was a lost cause. I would return home empty handed, feeling defeated once again. Fiction, non-fiction, biographies, autobiographies, classics, suspence, thrillers, suspence-thrillers, hobbies, humor, cultures, history, it's just mind numbing! It is like dragging an alcoholic to a liquor store and making him choose only one bottle in the entire store.

Last week, though, I went to the bookstore on a wim to try to find the Frank Miller Sin City graphic novels the movie is based on. However, they only had one and if ordered the other two wouldn't be in before I was to watch the movie. So I said, fuck it. Since I was there I thought I'd make an effort to look for a book to start reading. I wandered around like a lost child feeling overwhelmed with the cases and cases of books. Some authors were familiar, some were not. Feeling the urge to give up again I just about ran out of the store, but I contained my anxiety and trugged along. I came upon a section of Dean Koontz' books. I had read a book of his, Mr. Murder, when I was younger and I remembered how I had gotten so into it. Searching through his many titles I decided to go with Intensity. From the blurbs it promised to be "a very electrifying read", "his best work yet!", "another masterpiece from the master". I mean how could you pass on a book so highly recommended? Of course, his other titles had very similar if not exactly the same blurbs, so how could I miss really?

Proudly I brought the book home, feeling as though I had achieved an enormous step in my quest to start reading again. I placed it on my desk where it sat for nearly a week as I was too busy goofing off online, watching television, partying it up in So Cal. Last night, however, as I was flipping through the channels bored out of my mind I thought, what the fuck? So I picked up the book, sat and began reading. Wow, it was like riding a bike...I hadn't forgotten how to do it. I devoured page after page until the first chapter was done. Had I not been so tired I would have continued. All in moderation, though. I am just glad that I was able to get through that first chapter. And what a first chapter it was, that Koontz fella is good.

no laughing matter

2005-04-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

As most of you I'm sure already know, the Pope has died. For those of you who have been under a rock this weekend, he has...so now you're in the know. Admittedly, I was unaware of this until last night when my roomie, the hobagg, pointed it out to me.

"Did you know the Pope died?", he asked.
"No, I didn't. When did this happen?"
"Saturday." Looking at me with a grin on his face.

Umm...is that a joke? A late April fools perhaps? He just stared at me with this grin on his face. Am I supposed to say something...? Apparently, he was expecting me to have some smart ass, sarcastic, or cynical comment to make. Perhaps with our devout Catholic friend there he was trying to set me up to say something stupid in his presence, but I didn't think it was a laughing matter.

See, among my friends...I'm the atheist. Not because I don't believe in God, but because I don't believe in the church. I have my reasons, which I won't go into here. I don't have time to write that novel. But most my friends are devout Catholics, in that they observe lent, go to church...on holidays, and well they're Catholic. I do have a couple friends that go to church on a regular basis, are in the know about the church, observe all holidays, drink the wine, eat the bread...you know, all that stuff. Sure they've faltered here and there, but they confess, so they're squared away...right?.

In any case, while I might not agree with a lot of the church's beliefs and teachings, I do respect them. You have your beliefs, I have my beliefs. We can agree to disagree, just do not try to tell me my beliefs are wrong. Do not tell me that because I do not believe what you believe, I will not be "saved" and am condemned to hell. Do not tell me about, 'he who is free of sin cast the first stone', then turn around and judge and sentence me to an eternal vacation of fire and brimstone. Over the years, I have become a bit cynical about religion, true. I guess I have just never had that requisite blind faith. I question everything, it is in my nature.

So the Pope has passed. Am I elated? No. Am I in mourning? No. I simply respect the passing of a figure loved by many...and no, it is no laughing matter.

hurray, it's the weekend!

2005-04-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

I'm counting down the minutes until my weekend officially starts. Today has been non-stop at work, fuckin' nuts! It was good though, because the day just flew by. I figured the day would just drag on since I would be excitedly awaiting 5 o'clock so I can begin my trek down south to Long Beach. Luckily, that wasn't the case. Oh man, it's going to be nice to get out of town again for the weekend. And this time alone. Some people don't like driving long distance alone, but I love it. It's about a 3 1/2 hour drive to Long Beach from here. So I get a lot of thinking done, get to sing as loud as I want, can space out without having to worry about making conversation with anyone, but myself. I'm looking forward to going to the beach and just taking in the sun and the people watching. But first things first, I'm going to drag my friend to the local Long Beach cineplex to watch Sin City. Then it's let the so cal partying begin, I hope.

Well, hope everyone has a good, safe and sane...well, a good and safe weekend. Be good or be good at it!

hump day treat

2005-03-30T16:57:00.000-08:00

cheese cake, lemon swirl cake...yum

My boss woman has just been offered her permanent position as...well, my boss. It was also her birthday when she got the news, so good for her. Possibly good for me as well, 'cause she's really pushing to get me hired on here permanently too. In any case, as a celebration we had cheese cake and lemon swirl cake at the main office...fuckin' delicious!

lazy ass bitch

I walked over to a neighboring building this aftertoon to help out a user. The entrance to this building is a glass double door. There's a big round button on the wall that activates the automatic handicapped door. There was a lady walking ahead of me toward the entrance. She suddenly stopped and pressed the automatic door opener and stood there waiting for the slow ass door to open. I just rolled my eyes and pulled the door open ahead of her. Move bitch...get out the way, get out the way! She walked in behind me, looking a little embarrassed, but then turned and hit the button for the elevator. I'm thinking, bitch it's a two story building! Maybe if your chain smoking ass wasn't outside smoking a cig all the time you wouldn't be afraid to climb these stairs.

feast for the gut and the eyes

I did lunch with my roomie, the hobag, today. I don't know why I have to differentiate him as the hobag, he's my only roomate. But he's still a hobag. In any case, we had lunch at the Dog House Grill...our university's mascot is the bulldog. Bulldogs!! Anyway, though my tri-tip sandwich was good, bitch filled me up, I was more interested in the meat that was walking around. Fuckin' ey...I gots to go there more often. Hoot, hoot!!

$2.99 the first minute, then $1.99 each additional minute

I called up a user today, 'cause her printer was "printing gibberish". My first mistake was to ask her what the problem was, because she went on this little rant about how her printer has been printing "gibberish" for the past week and how she had just been feeding it paper hoping that whatever "it thought it was printing" would be over soon. Okay, word to the wise...printers don't think. Her voice was kinda sexxxy though. She suggested I could stop by her office on Monday afternoon and greeted me with a "Okay Edward, I'll see you then..." in a very sexy soft-like voice. Hell, had me reaching for my credit card. Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do to me then? Oh yeah, I've been a very bad boy.

state holidays rule!

Tomorrow my ass gets to sleep in or wake up early and just lounge...um, I mean clean my room. Tomorrow is Cesar Chavez day. A California state holiday. I'm a state employee, yay! No work for me tomorrow...that is fucking awesome! Did I mention it is awesome...okay, but it's so fuckin' awesome! But then I have to come back on Friday...that licks nuts. In any case...Happy Cesar Chavez day California state employees!

sugar daddy ogle

2005-03-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was supposed to meet with a user to fix some email issue for him. I had never actually met him personally only spoken to him on the phone. As I was walking down the hall to his office I walked passed this old professor who had a huge grin on his face. Being polite I acknowledged him and greeted him with a hello, which he responded by ogling me up and down still smiling. Not really tryin to be subtle about it at all. I'm thinking what the fuck?! I hope that wasn't him. So I get to his office and of course he's not in there. I call his office and leave a message on his voicemail asking he call me back. He called me later on in the afternoon and I agree to meet him in his office this morning, which I did. Low and behold guess who opens the door...the same old perverted professor who had ogled me like some piece of meat the day before. At this point I'm already all apprehensive thinking, I hope this is a quick fix, damn it! Meanwhile, he's being very polite...offering me a Snapple, "No thanks." You probably spiked them. I didn't want to wake up a couple hours later with an unexplainable sore ass, no thanks! I sat at his computer and quickly did what I needed to. Thankfully it was a quick fix and I was outta there as soon as he could say "bend over". Very uncomfortable situation. On the bright side, if I ever need a sugar daddy I know where to go. I can be a house boy for a bit.

"what do you want?"

2005-03-29T17:44:00.000-08:00

A while back my roomie asked me, "what do you want?" Just in general, what I wanted. I blew off the question, because I didn't want to answer it just then. Besides, no one had ever asked me that, so really I couldn't formulate an adequate response just then. What do I want...? That's a loaded question, isn't it? I want for a lot of things, which makes me wonder just how much my life is really lacking.

I want to have a closer, honest, and open relationship with my family. My family is close knit. We look out for eachother. We have always been there for eachother no matter what. We've had our fair share of drama, true, but we remain very close. Still, I can't help but feel like my family doesn't know me. As a child I was always the quiet one, the well behaved one, the exemplary kid. Pretty much the kid that if you were a bad ass, you hated. It wasn't by choice that I was like that, though. I didn't set out to be the good kid, it's just that I thought that's what was expected of me. As a consequence, I was always the invisible kid. The kid who often went overlooked. I was never truly that kid, though. It was an act. An act I put on for my family, because that's what they expected of me. So, it's that same act that I find myself to this day still putting on when at home. My family thinks that I'm this serious person, uptight I suppose. When that couldn't be further from the truth. When around friends, I'm not very shy...actually not shy at all. Never have been...around friends. Yet when I'm at home, I still feel like it's expected of me and it frustrates me, because that's not who I am at all. If I talk shit at home, people are shocked that I have a sense of humor. And that really gets under my skin. I'd like for them to know how I truly am, but for some reason it's just difficult to break out of that tightly sealed shell.

I want to have a permanent job. I'm tired of the uncertainty of my financial standing. Currently I am employed on a temporary basis with an option to become permanent in July. Of course I'd have to reapply for my position and compete against, from what I can gather, some people who are VERY interested in my position and have years of experience on me. It would be nice to be certain of my employment status so that maybe I could start making some financial plans for the future. However, it's hard to do so when I don't know if I'll be looking for a job again come July.

I want to be okay with myself and by myself. Not to say I don't like myself. I rather enjoy my company, but there are some aspects of my personality that I suppose could use some tweaking. I'd like for my happiness to not depend on someone else. True, no one can truly be happy alone, but I'd like for me to be somewhat happy by myself. It's just this stupid notion that I have conjured up that the "right" person will come along and complete me. So far that hasn't been the case. Don't get me wrong, I've been in love and deeply in love. However, I don't think I've truly met the right person for me.

Finally, I want to meet the one person I can share my life with. The one person who will not be afraid of letting their guard down with me. And likewise the person I will not be afraid of letting my guard down around. I have so much to offer that person. At the risk of sounding conceded, I am a great person! I truly am, because I strive to be. When I love, I love whole heartedly and loyally. The person I seek should not be freightened away by that. On the contrary, the person I seek will love me more because of it. Is it a fantasy? Maybe, but if I never set out to find that one, then I'll never know.

This is what I want, then I'll be happy. This is all I ask for. It's not unreasonable.

What do you want?

one

2005-03-29T17:10:00.001-08:00

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
You say one love, one life
When it's one need in the night
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again

You say love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life with each otherSisters, brothers
One life but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One
One

Artist: U2
Album: Achtung Baby

george carlin's views on aging

2005-03-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions."How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out there's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

northern cali

2005-03-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

Carmel, CA - 2004

I was going through some pics the other night and I ran across this picture of the beach in Carmel. God, I love the California coastline...it's fuckin' beautiful. My friends and I are planning a trip to the coast next month, I can't wait!

happy birthday hoebagg!

2005-03-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

Today is my roomie's birthday. He's turning 26 and we're expecting his facial hair to sprout sometime soon. Just kidding...I know you have facial hair, as sporadic as it is, it's there. Enjoy the day bitch and you gotta have a drink tonight at dinner. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

movie: robots

2005-03-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

Far beyond the Toy Story days, the CGI animation in this film is awesome! The Robot City scenes are a great testament to how far computer animation has come in a few short years. So much attention was put into the details that it is hard to believe you are watching an animated film. Aside from the breathtaking animation, this movie was good fun. Some of the humor is lost on the older crowd, but hits big with the children and vice-versa. It is a PG flick afterall.

Dreaming of greatness, young inventor Rodney Copperbottom (Ewan McGregor) journeys to Robot City in hopes of wowing tycoon Big Weld with his inventions. Immediately upon arrival in Robot City Rodney meets Fender (Robin Williams), a wacky tourist photog who also sells "maps to the stars". Their trip across town on the public transportion system is nothing short of an animation masterpiece. It bares repeating that the animation in this film is awesome. The plot revolves around the seemingly unavailablity of spare parts and the sudden push by Big Weld headquarters for the newer more expensive "upgrade" parts. Rodney soon learns of Big Weld's sudden and mysterious unavailablity and that the corporation is being run instead by Phineas T. Ratchet (Greg Kinnear), a shady character. He inlists the help of Cappy (Halle Berry) as well as his "out mode" buddies to get to the bottom of it all.

As I mentioned before, it is a good movie. Especially for the kids. Lots of things going on within each scene to keep even the worst of ADD cases seated and fixated on the film.

fuck spring break!

2005-03-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

That is of course because I don't have a break! Damn, these grown up responsibilities such as work. I arrived to work this morning, I work at the university, and for a moment there I thought I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. The campus was deserted, there was no one in sight. Then I remembered most students were probably at home still asleep or hungover at some resort beach location, bastards! I suppose if in all my years in college I'd actually done something for spring break I wouldn't feel so bitter about it. I could instead look back fondly at all the fun and hijinks that were my spring breaks, but no. See, my friends and I always said we would go to Baja for spring break, but of course never did. We were either too broke or just too broke. So in all my years in college all I ever did for spring break was take the opportunity to work full-time the whole week. Now that I have money, I have to work...ain't that a bitch? Maybe I'll turn out to be one of 'em old folks hanging out at spring break trying to relive, or in my case live, the wild life of a spring breaker. I was watching some spring break shit on MTV the other day and all I could keep on thinking was, lucky ass mutha fuckers! Fuck Spring Break!

hint, hint...

2005-03-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was preparing to drive off to work, I noticed a CD tucked under my windshield wiper - it was titled "Hillsong-United, More Than Life" with a black sharpie. I thought, what the fuck? At first, I thought it was some kind of software left behind by a friend. Then I thought, well maybe it's a compilation of love songs from a secret admirer...ooooh. So, I grabbed it from the windshield and threw it in my car. I figured I'd play it in my office. When I got to work I considered just tossing it, but curiousity got the best of me and so I popped it in my CD drive. Some music starts, well this might be promising. Sounded a bit rock, alternative - I thought, I hope this CD rocks! Just then the first verse starts, by the third verse I realize this band is a Jesus Rocks! band. I don't have anything against Christian music, it's just not my cup o' tea.

I'm thinking wow these Christian folk have moved up with technology, forget flyers now they're distributing CD's...that's cool I guess. However, earlier I was chatting with my roomie and I asked if he had gotten a CD on his windshield as well, which of course he hadn't. So now I'm thinking someone might think that I'm in need of some saving. Lord help me!

misuse of sharpies can be hazardous!

2005-03-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

CHOLAS WITH SHARPIES

red and yellow make GREEN!

2005-03-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

No, I am not wearing green today, 'cause my dark ass is obviously not Irish. Though you can still feel free to kiss me. I said kiss me!! I've never gone out on St. Patty's day and gotten shit faced, though I often wished I would have. But it always landed on a school night, and I was a good boy in school. Okay...a good enough boy in school. However, this year a pint or two of green ale doesn't sound half bad. I might just have to run out and have me a couple drinks tonight.

Now, you might be wondering about the title to this post. Yes, I know red and yellow don't make green, but some people get confused with the color wheel. Such was the case with a good friend of mine a few years back. And since he's such a "good friend", he hasn't forgotten it since. See, it was St. Patrick's Day 19/20...fuck I don't remember what year it was, that's unimportant. A group of us friends were standing around bs'ing as usual, all wearing some green item; blades of grass, leaves...something stupid, when along comes this friend wearing his cool red, yellow, blue, and white Hilfiger windbreaker. Preparing to pounce and pinch, we pointed out he wasn't wearing green, to which he replied, "Hello...red and yellow make GREEN!" pointing to the red and yellow patches on his windbreaker very matter-of-factlike. Took him a second to realize what he said and soon his face was just as red as the colored patch he had just pointed to. Ah, my friends...gotta love 'em.

Happy St. Patty's Day!...go out there and get tore the fuck up. Then let me know all about it.

my weakness

2005-03-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

I wish the days away,
So that I might see you sooner,
To kiss your lips,
Hold your hand,
Or feel your warm embrace.

When I awake each day,
I long to have you by my side,
To hold you close,
Feel your warmth,
Or caress your sleeping face.

I'm weak, I guess it's true,
But I'm in love, and my weakness is you.

--"quiroz" 2005

hurry up and wait DVD's

2005-03-16T10:15:00.000-08:00

I was at the video store last night and I noticed that it looks like I'll be making a few movie purchases in the next few weeks, as some great movies are coming out on DVD soon:

Finding Neverland - March 22
Closer - March 29
Sideways - April 5
Spanglish - April 5

movie: be cool

2005-03-15T02:44:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you what would be cool; is if this movie hadn't been such a huge dissapointment! I watched Get Shorty a few years back and I thought it was a great movie - smart and funny. So, you can imagine my dissapointment with the few forced chuckles this movie provoked. I think I might have laughed a couple times just to try to convince myself that it was actually funny. That didn't work. I had high hopes for this movie too. Alas, not even the couple of Long Island Ice Teas I had before hand hightened the experience. The PG-13 rating should have tipped me off.

The movie begins and quickly we learn that Chilli Palmer (John Travolta) is bored of the movie bizz. Longing for something new, music bizz, he steals a female performer (Cristina Millian) from a white pimped out manager (Vince Vaughn) and the fun ensues. Okay, well not quite. The basic plot of the movie, and the plot is very basic, is a fight over Cristina's character's contract. Throw in lots of big name actors and a huge rock star (Steve Tyler) and what you have is two hours down the shitter. I thought The Rock as a gay bodyguard might be fun to watch, but his take on the stereotypical flaming gay man complete with the "three snaps in z formation" was just annoyingly bad. With big names and a great movie to sequel, it had a great deal of promise. Unfortunately, it didn't deliver.

Watch it if you must. Hell, some people will probably think it's hilarious. But I'll be willing to bet if they do that they must have smoked a big ol' blunt right before. If only I'd had that foresight, this review might be completely different.

spongebob's sex video is distroying the "family"!

2005-03-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

With the recent popularity of celebrity sex tapes going public (i.e. Paris Hilton, Fred Durst) it kind of makes you wonder, who's next? Well, not to be outdone SpongeBob Squarepants now has appeared in a sex tape too...well, kind of.

The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) along with the We Are Family Foundation have teamed up to produce a video promoting tolerance geared towards children. According to some "traditional family" defenders, however, the video also promotes homosexuality. As if that wasn't bad enough, the teacher's video guide also encourages the prodding of children to assess the roles that make up a family unit beyond the father, mother, brother, sister roles. You know...the untraditional families with, say, single parents or (shudder at the thought) two daddies or two mommies.

Is it wrong to prod children to rethink the familty unit? Hell, no! What is wrong is trying to feed today's children these antiquated notions of what a familty should be. Children are growing up in a different society, from say, when I was growing up. The norm is now simply a term that seemingly changes meaning every day. Who's to tell these children from single parent homes or gay households that their family's value is less than that of the "traditional family"? Seems to me the more these children are made to feel like part of this society, the more they are likely to grow up to be beneficial to it.

it's friday again, yay.....!

2005-03-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

Damn, this week flew by so damned fast. Not that I'm complaining, simply making an observation. It's Friday! And muthafucka is huuuuungry!

movie: diary of a mad black woman

2005-03-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

So I watched this movie last night and I have to say that it was really good. I hadn't really paid much attention to it. From the previews it looked like it might be another Big Momma's House type comedy, with a man playing the big momma bit. And while it did have the obvious man playing the big-boned grandmama it wasn't overly done. The bit added much comedy relief to an otherwise serious drama.

The movie follows the main character, a young black woman, as she struggles to deal with the end of her 17 year marriage to a man who seemingly dispised her. Sufice it to say, she was treated like shit. Having been totally dependant of her husband throughout the marriage, she slowly learns to become independent and eventually find her self-worth. Of course, she has a little help from the requisite attractive male co-star; who happens to be in tune with his emotions, has also been hurt in love, is romantic, knows what he wants, has a job, prefers to be intimate rather than jump right to the sex...basically he's a figment of every straight woman's imagination. This movie deals with being hurt by the one you love and finding the courage and strength to forgive, let go, and move on.

Don't get me wrong, though. It might sound like a serious movie, but there's plenty of comedic relief to move the movie right along. There were a few hidden and not so hidden references to other movies scattered throughout this one. A couple examples: the great uncle reciting some dialogue from The Color Purple, "Hawpo...who is dis woman? Who is dis here woman hawpo?" (The Color Purple is my favorite movie, damn it!) ; then Grandmama finding a wire clothes hanger in the closet and angrily shouting, "Nooo wire hangers, ever!!!" (from Mommy Dearest...okay I've watched way too many movies.) There were a few others that had me chuckling by myself. The scenes at the church made me wish I attended a baptist church growing up. It just seems like so much fun. Instead I had to endure the constant sitting and standing and kneeling the Catholic mass had to offer.

Great movie. Two thumbs up. Good date movie.

lesson learned

2005-03-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him in the face and orders, "Go show your father!".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother!"

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says, "Mira abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?"

To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans."

it's hump day...

2005-03-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

...so why ain't anyone humpin'?!

who'd of thunk it?

2005-03-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Last night was like any other Monday night. I was sitting there in front of the television rotting a few brain cells, feeling very lathargic. Just like any other night I suppose. I was suddenly overcome with the feeling of disgust. I have become what I said I would cease to be once I finished school...a lazy ass! I realized that I come to work, go home, watch TV, then go to sleep. How fuckin' sad is that?! WTF?!

I had said that once I was done with school and I had a regular schedule that I would start working out regulary. It had been difficult for me to do while I was in school, because it seemed like something always came up or I had to do some last minute studying. Well now I have been out of school for almost a year and I have yet to start my workout routine. Sure, I was doing good there for a bit. I was jogging every morning and I was seriously seeing the benefits. But that only lasted for about two and a half months.

The other day my roomie and I went for a jog at the park and I was seriously feeling the effects of my hiatus from jogging. I have to get back on the ball here. I feel unhealthy. Just generally unhealthy overall. This is why last night I decided to workout. Well, that and the fact that I received an issue of Men's Health yesterday with the usual ripped male model on the cover; as if taunting me. So I went all out - balls to the wall, no holds barred...really worked out. I opted against the usual begin slow and increase the workout route, because I had to gauge how bad I was. I decided to go with the workout I learned while taking a kickboxing class at the university. It is a bit physically demanding. I found myself having to slow down a few times, but I held out for an hour. So that's not too bad right? A non-stop hour of cardio? I know I still have lots of work to do. Mainly, I want to be able to go through the day without feeling tired thoughout most of it. After my workout and shower last night, wouldn't you know it I was able to sleep throughout the night. I even woke up this morning before my alarm went off and I didn't feel tired. I guess a little exercise goes a long way...who'd of thunk it?

not quite what i expected

2005-03-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever just had your heart set on something, but once you get it you're very dissapointed? Well, such was the case with my lunch this afternoon. A friend and I decided we would do lunch today since he was in town. We decided we would have some chinese cuisine. There is is this chinese buffet I used to frequent quite a bit. I know you're thinking...chinese buffet, ewww. But it's really good...well, it used to be really good. When I used to be in college a friend and I used to hit up that place once a week. For a buffet, the food was good. I know I keep reiterating that the food was good, but it was. Was, being the operative word.

I knew something was up when we walked in through the front door and the usual little chinese lady had been replaced with a taller lanky chinese woman with a mouthful of food trying to give directions to a customer. That shit was fuckin' nasty. Here she is with a pad in her hand, scribbling down someshit and occasionally covering her mouth as pieces of whatever the fuck she had in her mouth flew passed her chompers. Then as we served ourselves we had this other chinese woman looking over our shoulders as if accounting for what we put on our plates. Watchful eyes, watching everything...job must suck. After that, I had little hope for this place. Sure enough, the food was horrible. Rice was hard, most the food was kinda cold, and just tasted nasty. Needless to say I'm not going back there anytime soon.

from good cause to fashion fad in 60 seconds

2005-03-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

I suppose it was only a matter of time before the yellow wristband turned into a fashion fad. It started out as a good cause by Lance Armstrong in support of people around the world living with cancer. Being a cancer survivor himself, he started this campaign. Each yellow band costs $1, which in turn benifits the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

This weekend, however, as I was catching up on some spanish television I caught a piece on the latest in fashion trends. Apparently these wristbands are now being mass produced and sold as the latest in fashion. They are being produced in different colors and with different "inpirational" words inscribed on them. I'm thinking, what the fuck?! I mean, granted those yellow wristbands had turned into a fad long ago. But at least those people jumping on the yellow wristband-wagon were inadvertently contributing to a good cause. Now the only cause benifiting from this latest fashion trend will be the greedy mo fo's who saw dollar signs on countless yellow wristband wearing wrists.

I guess it just gets under my skin that something with such a worthy cause can be exploited and turned into a fashion statement.

dos locos

2005-03-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

El tiempo no ha logrado que te olvide.
No ha borrado las huellas de tu amor.
Todavia siento el sabor de tus besos en mi boca.
Todavia siento tus manos acariendome la piel.

Y yo no quiero seguir asi, estando con ella y pensando en ti.

A mi me esta pasando igual, no dejo de pensar en ti.
Hay dia que me levanto contigo en la cabeza, lo llamo por tu nombre.

Y yo no quiero seguir asi, estando con ella y pensando en ti.

Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y amandonos.
Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y aun amandonos.

Y yo no quiero seguir asi, estando con ella y pensando en ti.

A mi me esta pasando igual no dejo de pensar en ti.
Hay dia que me levanto contigo en la cabeza, lo llamo por tu nombre.

Y yo no quiero seguir asi, estando con ella y pensando en ti.

Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y amandonos.
Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y aun amandonos.

Todavia no me acostumbro ni al cafe hecho por sus manos.
Me sabe mal, no es como el tuyo.
Y yo, cuando siento sus caricias, cierro los ojos y pienso en ti.

Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y amandonos.
Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y aun amandonos.

Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y amandonos.
Que tontos que locos somos tu y yo, estando con otros y aun amandonos.
Que tontos.

Artist: Monchy y Alexandra
Album: Confesiones

is it friday, really?

2005-03-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

Damn...don't people go home early on Friday's? Why is that every Friday people here at work tend to seem to want to work the hardest? In the past 2 hours I've gotten about 10 calls with users having issues with their computers. I'm thinking, damn it's Friday go home! I have one and a half hours left to go then the weekend starts. Only right now it doesn't seem soon enough. I think I would've pulled out what little hair I have left if it weren't for this CD that I'm listening to and have been listening to all day long. It's "Bachatas De Oro 2002", a compliation of popular Bachata songs. Last night I went Salsa dancing with a friend and the DJ slipped in a couple Bachata songs. So I'm feeling the music right now. It's helped keep me calm all day long.

Anywho...it's Friday! Hell fuckin' yeah! Hope everyone has a good and safe weekend. Remember, Be good or be good at it.

you're getting sleepy, sleeeepy....

2005-03-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

I pulled off the whole day today on two and a half hours of sleep. I don't know what the fuck the problem was last night. My mind and body felt tired when I lay in bed, but that's all I did just lay there wide awake all damned night. I decided to shower at about 3 am to see if maybe that would help and it did a little, but I still didn't end up falling asleep till about an hour later. I got to work this morning feeling like I had gotten a whole night's sleep, though. But when I got back from lunch I started feeling a little tired and now...now, I'm seriously about to just fucking lay down here in my office and go to sleep. It's almost six, so I suppose I should just go home and try to not nap too long. Otherwise, I'll just have another sleepless night again. Although, I feel like I could get home, fall asleep, and not wake up till tomorrow morning.

relationship troubles keeping me awake

2005-03-01T18:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, last night I decided I was going to be good and go to sleep early. I had bitched yesterday about feeling tired all day, so I thought, Aight, I'll try it. Just as I pressed my ear to the pillow at 10:00 pm my phone rings. 10pm, I can't remember the last time I've gone to bed so early. Anyhow, it was a friend wanting to talk, 'cause he had just broken up with his "baby". Now, I could've fell fast asleep, 'cause I was that tired, but I thought....fuck it. I'm not one to turn a friend away.

So anyway, he's telling me his drama that just went down and I can tell he's really bummed out. As I'm trying to console him and give him the "everything is going to be alright" shpill I'm thinking, Wait a minute, just last week you text me just to tell me how happy you were. This guy would text me out of the blue, just to tell me that he and his "baby" were good and that he was happy and that I will find someone too, blah, blah, blah. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was trying to rub it in my face that he was in a "blissful" relationship and I was single again. That always made me think, damn did I do that to him? Did I rub it in his face that my relationship was good? I don't think I did. I certainly never text him just to let him know. I mean when he would asked how my relationship was going I simply told him the truth. Fuckin' fantabulous! Great! Awesome! I didn't exaggerate, really my relationship with my ex was fuckin' great! That is one thing that I am grateful for. It was my first relationship and it was healthy. We got along great, we understood eachother's humor and sarcasm, we could talk for hours on the phone everynight, we both were able to express ourselves to eachother, for the most part. I mean it set the bar high, which is why I am now cautiously looking. Before that relationship, I didn't know what I was looking for in a relationship. Friends would ask and my list always came up short. Now, I have a definite list of what I want and don't want.

Now back to my friend. See, when I was with my ex he was single. Everytime I talked to him he was always bummed out about being single. When my relationship ended he began his, so we kind of transitioned roles there. Obviously, fresh out of my relationship I was bummed out, but I took comfort in knowing that at least he was happy now. I thought, that's fuckin' cool. But then he began going outta his way to let me know that he was really happy. Okay fucker...I get the point. Whatever, more power to him. Now turns out things weren't as peachy with he and his "baby" as he had led on for months. If this was so, what exactly do you suppose he was trying to prove by making me believe that he was in relationship bliss? Maybe nothing, maybe he wasn't trying to make me believe how great his relationship was...maybe he was trying to convince himself.

In any case, his gloating made me a little self-conscious. I mean, did he see that in me and so he was paying me back. I've never been one to toot my own horn, I'm just not physically that flexible. All kidding aside, though, it's just not me. I don't know maybe that's just how he is, he had a good thing and he wanted to share that. Every fuckin' chance he could. Anyway, I hope all works out for him. He's a good kid. I can say that 'cause I'm old now. Speaking of which, I will try the early bed time again tonight.

monday zombie

2005-02-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

WTF?! I am sooo tired this morning. I feel like I didn't get any sleep last night. You'd think I would've had a crazy ass weekend with no sleep, but that was sadly not the case. I was good this weekend. Now how the hell am I gonna get through the day. I've only been here 2 hours and I'm ready to go home.

the angry vagina

2005-02-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have never seen The Vagina Monologues, I highly recomend it. Especially for you women out there. I believe I've seen the actual Broadway performance on DVD one time at the video store. As a male, of course I can't relate to alot of the topics discussed in the performance, which is as the title suggests all about vaginas. However, I can appreciate and understand the message it puts out.

I have to say that I was part of only a handful of guys at this thing last night. Which, really didn't surprise me. It was funny picking out the guys that you just know their girls dragged along to this thing. Directly in front of me were seated a black couple. The guy just stuck out like a sore thumb, and not only because most the people at the performance were white. I mean I'm a little dark...okay, I'm alot dark. He stuck out, 'cause he just looked so damned uncomfortable sitting there. He must've been one of those guys that are just too cool to be seen at an event like that. After awhile though, he got into it and was rollin' throughout the "angry vagina" monologue. Then rollin' throughout the professional sex worker monologue and her impersonations of the many different female sex moans. That bit is just fuckin' hilarious, what with the "clit moan", "vagina moan", the "combo clit-vagina moan", the "almost moan", the "african-american moan", the "doggy moan"...on and on and fuckin' hilarious! The performance also has it's poignant moments that make you realize that there is alot of crazy violent shit that women and girls go through in this world.

It was cool to go out on a Friday night and do something different from the usual Movie, Club, Bar thing. I believe being cultured helps you be a better person. Living in Fresno doesn't offer too many opportunities for that, so I tend to jump at any opportunity to attend an event where I'm outside my comfort zone. Vaginas are somewhat outside my comfort zone.

vaginas, vaginas all around...

2005-02-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

Throughout the past month the university has been having events promoting the fight against violence on women. It's called VDay (vagina day). I came upon a flyer today on past events and I couldn't help but to chuckle a bit. One event was called "The Big Vagina Party"...oh the images that run through a twisted mind when reading that. Yesterday, apparently they had "The Vagina Games" in the free speech area. Again, the images. Tonight a few friends and I are attending a presentation of the "Vagina Monologues" here on campus. A couple years back they had presented the same play and I must admit that it was really good. I attended that year expecting to see some feminist, male hating play...actually I don't know what I expected to see I'd never heard of the play. But it was hilarious! The thing that cracked me the fuck up the most was seeing the sign language interpretor up on stage signing what the performers were saying. I mean seeing her, this heavy set, kindergarden teacher look-alike, pretending to diddle herself as the performer described her masturbation session was pure comedy. It helped that she was really being animated in her signing. Hilarious! Needless to say I'm looking forward to catching that performance again today.

i took a quiz voluntarily...wow

2005-02-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

1) WHAT ARE YOUR RANDOM 10 SONGS?
"Run" - No Doubt
"What You Waiting For" - Gwen Stefani
"My Dream Land" - Third World
"Since You Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson (yeah...I know)
"Maps" - Yeah Yeah Yeah's
"Best Friend" - Tim McGraw
"Sin Sangre En Las Venas" - Ramon Ayala
"Breakin' The Habit" - Linkin Park
"Sunday Morning" - No Doubt
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" - Green Day

2) WHAT IS THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF MUSIC ON YOUR COMPUTER
5 GB

3) THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Ray Charles Soundtrack

4) WRITE DOWN 5 SONGS YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OR MEAN A LOT TO YOU
"Run" - No Doubt
"My Dream Land" - Third World
"Inevitable" - Shakira
"One" - U2
"Hard Times" - Ray Charles
***************************************
1) WHAT IS THE GEEKIEST PART OF YOUR BOOK COLLECTION?
Book collection...what book collection?

2) WHAT DID YOU DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Not a damned thing. Well, besides work.

3) WHAT DID YOU GET ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
Haha...funny.

4) WHAT IS YOUR SECRET GUARNATEED WEEPING MOVIE?
Now if I shared, then it would no longer be a secret.

5) IF YOU COULD HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Nothing really.

6) DO YOU HAVE A COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL FEAR?
To be alone.

7) WHAT IS THE LITTLE PHYSICAL HABIT THAT GIVES AWAY YOUR INSECURE MOMENTS?
Looking around.

8) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
Sure.

9) WHAT DO YOU CARRY WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES?
My cell phone

10) WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT BEING A KID?
Being ignorant to the realities of the world.

11) WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU WERE LISTENING TO?
"She Will Be Loved" - Maroon 5

12) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLAY?
Once, when I was a kid.

13) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Once...and it hurt like a bitch.

14) DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?
I love myself! And I believe in myself, except for the occasional bout of self doubt.

15) DO TRANSIENT, HOMELESS, OR STARVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES ANNOY YOU?
Yeah, sometimes. "I don't need to know your life story, just tell me how much money you want."

16) WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY?
Guitar. Will be picking one up soon.

17) FAVORITE FABRIC?
Cotton...hell, I don't know never really thought of it.

18) WHAT'S ONE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO LEARN?
French.

19) WHAT DO YOU ORDER AT A BAR?
Rum and Coke, Jack and Coke, Sam Adams, Bud Light...depends on the mood.

20) HAVE YOU EVER PIERCED YOUR BODY PARTS?
Yes.

21) DO YOU HAVE TATTOOS?
No, they're too permanent for me.

22) DO YOU DRIVE A STICK?
Oh yeah, baby.

23) FAVORITE TRAIT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Umm...well, gotta say eyes, lips, ass.

24) MOST FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE?
...tough one....

25) WHAT ARE YOU BEST AT COOKING?
Meat.

26) WOULD YOU EVER GO OUT DRESSSED LIKE THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Probably not...that would be scary.

27) WHAT'S ONE CAR YOU WILL NEVER BUY.
Honda Element

28) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ?
Suspense Thrillers

29) IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Pay off debt, for myself and family members and friends. Move away!

30) DO YOU CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?
No...besides I'm not a crier. Wish I were, it would be alot easier to relieve some feelings

31) WHAT'S ONE THING YOU LIKE TO DO ALONE?
Drive.

32) ARE YOU A GIVER OR A TAKER?
Lol...um...a little of both.

33) WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last year sometime...

34) HOW MANY DRINKS BEFORE YOU'RE TIPSY/SLEEPY?
Tipsy...I'd say about 6.

i could've swore I had nails this morning...

2005-02-24T14:17:00.000-08:00

Stress and bad habits are a bad combo. I try my hardest to not bite my nails and I'm usually really good about it. Actually, I had kicked that habit for a long time. Today however...they're all gone, all of 'em bitches. It's been a non-stop shit pile all damn day today. And it's not Friday yet!!!! I'm taking a little breather right now, 'cause I haven't had lunch, my head is pounding (probably 'cause I haven't eaten), and I'm a little irratable (also probably 'cause I haven't eaten). I swear if I get one more work request before I finish what I have to do...nigga is gonna cut somebody!